Life is a mess

[Optimisticpessimist1]

Where to start?

I always wanted a family, was extremely careful with contraception until I had several month long periods and have my implant removed. Immediately after my first period I fell pregnant from a very drunken one night stand with a friend I had know around 3 months.

Couldn't decide what to do, ultimately kept pregnancy and was happy with my decision. During the pregnancy me and one night stand friend started dating very naturally, got along amazing, he ended up slowly moving in and things were looking so promising.

Baby boy is born and he is amazing, first few months and we are a real team.

Around 4-5 month mark me and partner start struggling bad, engaged in couples counselling and much better again. Have some ups and downs but nothing too bad.

Decide to buy a house together (I already own mine this is just essentially adding his name and moving somewhere bigger).

We both wanted another child and for our kids to be close together. Get pregnant extremely quick again.

Ever since we have been a real bad mess. I think ultimately we are such different people, the conflicts are never resolving and always escalating. Im struggling so much (currently 7+5) and haven't been able to do the usual housework, taking care of son, work that I usually would which is stressing me beyond belief, on top of trying to keep house move going. My partner doesn't really give empathy and struggles to emotionally support me but he tries to take on extra duties and is a wonderful Dad. We just don't get along so much, arguments are becoming more toxic and bitter. The comment's, the resentment. I don't know if it's time to end things? And I feel just so awful because unlike the first pregnancy, I wanted this one from the start but now I am starting to think it's not right and I can't bring a baby into this environment. My mum's severely disabled, I have very limited support outside my partner. Baby boy (now 1 year old) has never spent the night away as no family in a position or willing to help in this way. My Dad is great and will have the baby for a couple hours from time to time. But ultimately without my partner I'm going to really do this alone.

I don't know why I'm posting this, I guess I feel so alone and hoping for someone who may have any similar experiences at all to share their insight.

In the space of less than two years you’ve gone from not knowing this man to moving him in, giving birth, buying a house together, having a rough patch and needing therapy and then getting pregnant again. I think any relationship would be under strain.
is he actually wonderful? Why isn’t he supporting you? Why are you both arguing in such a toxic way?
Who is paying for everything - your comment about putting him on the deeds to a house you own was worrying.

if neither of you are willing or have the tools to have a healthy mature relationship then this can’t work. If you actually just don’t know how and want to learn and are both putting in real effort maybe it can improve. It’s hard to say without more info. However if you think a step back from the pressure, ending the pregnancy and taking time to either separate or work on your relationship is best then that sounds sensible.

You're right, it's been a crazy two years and of course I know it has all been because of my own actions, I think after I accepted pregnancy perhaps I just tried to create the life I had always pictured (the family, the partner, the home), just doing it backwards and quickly. I'm not sure.
Wonderful Dad yes, 100%. I have joked since the day my baby was born that my partner is basically my baby's Mum, he has always done his fair share and just always coped better than me when things get tough with the baby, for the hands on daily care of our son he does his absolute fair share. But I'm still the Mum that has the mental load, remembering to get this or that, tracking introducing foods, getting to baby groups, sort out next clothes, drs appointment, arranging nursery for work and so on. This all makes sense as I'm the organised one but I think that's where part of the source of arguments start, when I can't cope, I guess it causes me to start conflict. I don't think I'm managing being a Mum as well as I hoped and balancing everything well just doesn't happen so then I default to stress.
We pay bills proportionally (based on income), I am selling my house to buy somewhere bigger, on a quiet road (I have nightmares currently about my son running into traffic where we live, it's so busy), since having my son I work part time and would not get approved for larger mortgage alone, so partner will be joint on mortgage with my deposit protected through sale. When we started this process it was September we were in a better place and I guess it was just a practical decision based on what we need. But if we were to separate I have made sure I could afford new property alone and partner knows it would effectively be "mine".
In terms of the other conflicts/ toxicity I think when the baby was born my partner just kind of tapped out of being my partner so yes he is there for our baby always but for me, no? No attempts to make plans to spend literally any quality of times together, always repeating myself as he doesn't listen when I speak, not considering me in his decision making, spends countless hours staring at phone / TV when baby not there, I guess I never really feel wanted in this relationship which causes another source of conflict. Really basic issues in a relationship that I guess I complain and complain about and it just doesn't resolve. But then add to that pregnancy hormones, nausea and exhaustion and he just can't seem to sympathise/ take a minute to try to understand, gets defensive if I try to explain etc. thats where this toxic, resentful environment is coming from i think, some things just escalate and often end up in shouting matches. I don't know, I'm starting to question if we can try and make things work or if we're simply not compatible. Its so hard to explain everything in a message sorry things aren't clear.

But I'm still the Mum that has the mental load, remembering to get this or that, tracking introducing foods, getting to baby groups, sort out next clothes, drs appointment, arranging nursery for work and so on.
soo…he’s not doing his fair share then?
i think we’re very quick to excuse men and be grateful for whatever they offer. If you saw a mum was doing as much as him, would you think she was doing enough or being a bit slack? And if you didn’t do what you do, would your dc be ok or would they perhaps go without?
perhaps it’s that cognitive dissonance, between saying how good he is and giving him credit for being the ‘mum’ meanwhile you’re the one actually doing things, is what’s building resentment. Whilst he thinks he’s doing more than most men and is being congratulated all the time and can’t see what your problem is.

it’s not really going to work though if he won’t listen to you or sympathise and shows no interest in spending time together. What did/does your therapist suggest?

So I think I often flip flop on this topic because it obviously causes resentment and comes up a lot that I do this or I'm responsible for that and without me X wouldn't get done. But there is also a problem with my personality that I can't leave things that need doing or I get stressed so everything has to be done yesterday, which is where I do cut my partner some slack in this department because he I am sure would do more of these tasks if I just took a step back. So he is still a great Dad but I do still have resentment for being the person responsible for more but it's also partly my own fault 🤦🏼‍♀️

I do agree we praise men for doing less than a lot of Mum's or for doing better than shitty Dad's. I don't think it's like this with my partner if anything I may be hard on him considering what he does actually do, again I don't know, it's so difficult because of the kind of person I am.

But yes the listening to / quality time thing has just always been a problem. When we had counselling it made my partner have to communicate with me more which I think just got us through the rough patch, but I never thought it was particularly good or value for money (so dubious about doing again), it was great that he was kind of forced to communicate and I think the fact he was just willing to go made me feel like he did want me and therefore relieved some of our other issues. But the general things we were left with don't seem to work without the pressure of an appointment and a person making us talk / controlling the situation. I try to communicate how I feel, what I think the issues are but say we had 10 difficult conversations probably 7 would escalate, 2 would be left open and unresolved and perhaps 1 lead to some kind of resolution.

Also, can I just thank you for taking the time to reply. It's almost like a relief talking to someone impartial and help me question what's going on, whether what I write is more emotional or factual etc.

@Optimisticpessimist1 sorry you find yourself with these difficult questions about your relationship. It seems to me that both you and your DP very quickly fell in love with the idea of being a family, and were both very invested in that side of things. What you've never really had, is much time to be together as a couple, just the two of you, to find your own baseline and rhythms without the chaos of babies thrown in the mix. And I imagine that would be really tough!

DH and I were together 7 years - married for one of those - before our DS came along and although he had a daughter already, we were never full-time parents during that time because she obviously spent lots of time with her Mum too. That gave us loads of time to work on being a couple and sort through some stuff that came up before kids were a thing. And then parenting together has changed the dynamics too. I think the statistics of separations are amongst their highest for couples with kids under 3 because there is so much overwhelming change during that time, and less time for each other, and tiredness etc making communication challenging.

Not sure if any of that is helpful as such, but just to say, you have been on a whirlwind journey together and gone through some massive life changes together and it's understandable that you are feeling the way you do!

I would say that what you need to work out at this point, is whether the relationship between the two of you has substance to it if you take co-parenting out of the mix. Do you both want to invest in each other as well as the 'family'? It seems you very much feel he's not interested, and he will definitely need to buck up his ways if you're going to have a chance of it working. But you will also need to be honest with yourself. Do you want to invest in him. Can you see the two of you being happy and finding stuff to share and talk about together when the kids have left home. Do you still have moments of looking at him and just being overwhelmed by how lovely he is and how lucky you are to have him? Are there things that make you both laugh, or catch each others eyes in a shared moment of glee etc .. and if not, can you imagine working to get that back?

Pregnancy is a funny old time for making us question out futures anyway, and hormones are very much in the mix. You have an awful lot going on right now. Could you manage to find a babysitter for a date night, or just go on a family walk etc together and have a chat whilst your son is asleep and see if you can find some hope in the situation? Sending you a big hug and best wishes for working your way forward. 💗

Wow
You need some time to relax

Some people aren't good at talking about their feelings or picking up cues.
Tell him what you need help wise, and lower your standards a little regarding everything
Delegate things as much as possible
I hope it works out you sound very capable x

@SnookyPook thank you so much for your insights. You have certainly given me a lot to think about and I definitely will be thinking. You're right we need to work out if there's anything beyond co-parenting. There's a lot to discuss. This thread so far has really helped me get a lot together in my head. I always find when we're struggling in our relationship or when I'm struggling with parenting that existing Mumsnet threads really help me and now that I feel at rock bottom I am so glad I asked for some help myself! This is really a great resource.

No real advice, but, DH and I had two babies 18mths apart and it pushed our marriage to breaking point, just because its bloody hard work having kids being responsible for two living breathing human beings 24/7…however we’d been together 12 years before we had kids so we knew we got on okay it was just the strain of circumstance. I’d say it took a good while to return to our normal happy harmonious life, maybe once the kids were 7/8 and fairly independent.
Kids are grown up now, and DH and I are good, 30 plus years now.

can you pick a few things to work on together?
so could you have a conversation, and say you’re struggling a bit, maybe you’ve both been a bit toxic, both been a bit defensive etc. Could you start a fresh. And put some rules/plans in action.
so for example agree that if you argue, keep it focused on one point, don’t go off to other things keep it focused. No one can shout or name call, and at the end you reach a resolution of how you will move forward. It doesn’t need to be a perfect solution, it could be ok, I’ll try to not zone out when you’re talking and if I do, you can calmly tell me and I won’t get defensive. Or ok I won’t do everything really quickly and then get annoyed that you haven’t done it when I haven’t given you chance. Whatever the resolution is, you both feel like it’s a positive step forward to the argument. Then you actually have to do it though - and make sure it’s not you constantly changing and him doing nothing.

be open that you feel he’s less interested in you and you’re finding that hurtful (but you understand he doesn’t mean it that way, he isn’t doing it on purpose or whatever else so it’s clearly not an attack) and that you’re not looking for an argument about it, you’d just like to establish firstly does he want to spend time with you, and secondly what does he think quality time is. Maybe sitting on your phones on the sofa is quality time for him. If that’s the case, then you can look at that time differently but also you could ask for one a week/fortnight that you do it how you’d like. That could be as simple as you hold hands whilst you look at your phones, or you eat dinner together at the dining table and talk about your day or whatever.

if you are getting quality time and being less toxic, the other things may become a bit more manageable?

Love these ideas 💕

@user1469908676728 that makes perfect sense. I'm very glad you got through it all and are happy together!

@Pumpkindoodles you should be a relationship counsellor. Yes I will try this, I have kept to myself today to try to not escalate anything further and clear my mind. I will try opening communication and follow what you've suggested 100%

good luck op, I think the most important thing to establish is if you want to make it work and keep the family together, and if you care about / love /respect each other. if you both agree you do to all of that, then arguments are about finding a way forward where everyone’s as happy as they can be. It’s not about one of you winning the argument, or being more right or proving the other is more wrong.
In that case Neither of you want to break up, neither of you are setting out with the intention to hurt one another, so it’s about better communication, not hurting each other.
that only works though if you both have that approach, otherwise one of you will be stepped on every time as one of you tries to win.
Also if you still feel it’s not right and you don’t want to go ahead with the pregnancy that’s completely an ok decision, even if you want to work on the relationship but not go ahead with a pregnancy until you’re sure that’s ok too. Good luck