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Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

Original poster

Regretting this pregnancy

14 replies

ladybug101 · 29/02/2024 13:36

I hope this doesn’t come out as too insensitive but I am just needing some space to share my thoughts.

I have two sons whom I adore. One is from a natural pregnancy and the other is as a result of IVF (own eggs) done 10 years ago which left me with two unused embryos, a male and a female. Because we already had two sons, we chose to transfer the female embryo but sadly this did not take. To complete our family I really wanted a daughter so I opted not to use my remaining male embryo.

The longing for a daughter led me to pursuing a fresh IVF cycle one more time, but due to diminished ovarian reserve the cycle didn’t work. The doctor suggested donor eggs and I quickly jumped on. I guess it was my love for a daughter that fueled me on. We did one cycle with donor eggs and it was successful. Only to find out that we are having another son.

Where I come from the Doctor is not allowed to reveal the gender (first time we found by accident as he sent the doctor’s PGT report instead of the patient’s). We trusted our Doctor and had carried on with the process based on the understanding that he knew of our request.

I am now 20 weeks pregnant and really struggling. I feel like I made such a terrible decision and I should not have pushed things this far. How do I reconcile having my own embryo on ice while carrying this pregnancy. I feel like my desire to have a daughter ruined everything. I don’t know how I will ever get over this regret.

I am sorry for the long rant but I guess I just needed someone to talk to.

OP posts:
AngieR87 · 29/02/2024 13:57

ladybug101 · 29/02/2024 13:36

I hope this doesn’t come out as too insensitive but I am just needing some space to share my thoughts.

I have two sons whom I adore. One is from a natural pregnancy and the other is as a result of IVF (own eggs) done 10 years ago which left me with two unused embryos, a male and a female. Because we already had two sons, we chose to transfer the female embryo but sadly this did not take. To complete our family I really wanted a daughter so I opted not to use my remaining male embryo.

The longing for a daughter led me to pursuing a fresh IVF cycle one more time, but due to diminished ovarian reserve the cycle didn’t work. The doctor suggested donor eggs and I quickly jumped on. I guess it was my love for a daughter that fueled me on. We did one cycle with donor eggs and it was successful. Only to find out that we are having another son.

Where I come from the Doctor is not allowed to reveal the gender (first time we found by accident as he sent the doctor’s PGT report instead of the patient’s). We trusted our Doctor and had carried on with the process based on the understanding that he knew of our request.

I am now 20 weeks pregnant and really struggling. I feel like I made such a terrible decision and I should not have pushed things this far. How do I reconcile having my own embryo on ice while carrying this pregnancy. I feel like my desire to have a daughter ruined everything. I don’t know how I will ever get over this regret.

I am sorry for the long rant but I guess I just needed someone to talk to.

What are your reasons for wanting a girl? Do you think your relationship with your son would be different to one with a daughter?

Springcat · 29/02/2024 14:01

Use your embro on ice after this pregnancy
Then the guilt will go away

MeMyCatsAndMyBooks · 29/02/2024 14:05

Just wait till he's born, the love will come.

I wouldn't suggest more pregnancies though like other posters have said.

teaandtoastwithmarmite · 29/02/2024 15:00

Sorry it is pretty insensitive to those of us that never had this luxury. All the best

Strawberrycheesecake7 · 29/02/2024 17:04

I’m sorry you’re having a hard time. Gender disappointment can be very normal and lots of parents experience it. I think you need to try and separate your desire for a daughter from this baby. It’s not really that you don’t want him, it’s that you’re upset that you won’t have a daughter if this is your last pregnancy.

I also think part of the problem is that you are seeing this baby as “different” to your other children and maybe less than the embryo you have frozen because he’s not genetically related to you. Honestly there’s no real difference. Babies in the womb have no idea who their biological parents are. By the time he’s born he’ll know your voice and your smell and will feel safest with you. You’re the only mother he’ll know.

If you’re feeling guilty about your last embryo being left frozen you could consider having another child in the future. Or if you’re not in a position to do that you could donate it to help another family have a child. In no way am I telling you to do either of those things. I’m just saying that there are options if you would like to give it a chance at life as well.

Mammma91 · 29/02/2024 17:12

Sorry you’re having such a hard time OP. I’m sure you will still have so much love for this little boy too, but it doesn’t help how your feeling now. Are you under the peri-mental health team? Gender disappointment is very real, you can and will get through this, hormones won’t be helping how you’re feeling. Let the emotions run their course and seek out help if you’re struggling.

Luckylooloostar · 29/02/2024 17:32

Sorry you are going through this. It must be a horrendous feeling knowing you are carrying a child that isn’t biologically yours when you still had a boy egg.
No one can say anything that will make it better but I’d feel the same.

HVPRN · 29/02/2024 17:39

You are carrying your son. Your third son. The situation chose you. This egg 'took' to your body. Your body 'took' to this egg. He was meant to be. This is your journey. You are his mummy 💛

GodspeedJune · 29/02/2024 17:42

Are you not in the UK? It all sounds really unethical to be honest. I can’t understand why your doctor suggested donor eggs when you still had one frostie remaining, regardless of your desire for a girl, it’s a strange choice.

overthinkersanonnymus · 29/02/2024 17:45

I do feel sympathy for you, as you're obviously distressed.

But what the actual fuck? You do know you had a 50% chance of another boy when you transferred the donor egg embryo, right?

MaryActsLikeSheDontCare · 29/02/2024 17:54

I think you need to access counselling, really urgently

TruthorDie · 29/02/2024 18:00

Thems the breaks. It was a request from you, rather than a guarantee by the clinic. It’s 50/50 chance at the end of the day

HVPRN · 29/02/2024 18:01

MaryActsLikeSheDontCare · 29/02/2024 17:54

I think you need to access counselling, really urgently

I second this. Please talk to your midwife for a referral for all the support x

howmuch5 · 29/02/2024 18:27

I'd also go for counselling op. It's a complex situation and it's worth trying to resolve your feelings properly.

I'm actually really surprised the clinic went through with this without asking you how you'd feel if the baby from the donor egg was a boy.

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