Unplanned third pregnancy

[Amumof287]

Not sure what I’m looking for here but I need to tell someone I guess.

I’m 36 and have 2 children, DS is 7 and DD is 4. I’m married, we have had absolutely no plans to have a third and I found out I’m pregnant on Tuesday. I absolutely did not want another baby. I’ve Just gone back to work after 18 months away. We’re financially ok but trying to pay off some debt from a house renovation. My children are both now in school and we’re enjoying them being older. Not only in terms of a bit more freedom but also spending time with them.

My husband absolutely does not want another baby. I haven’t told him yet because I feel sick knowing how much he is not going to want this. I don’t know how to tell him. I’m so worried about how another baby will affect our family. I would need a c section and I’m really fit and healthy right now and the thought of going so far backwards is not what I want.

I know these are all extremely selfish reasons and I know I can come to terms with this but he will just not. I can’t imagine him being happy in any way and I’m just keeping this to myself at the moment. I have social plans coming up where it will be impossible for me to not drink without it being very obvious something is wrong. I’m struggling today.

What do YOU want to do, @Amumof287?

You have options. And this is your choice.

You don't need to justify your choice to anyone, and you don't need to ask permission.

Sending you supportive hugs.

This was me in September! I have 2 boys 7 and 3 and had made the decision that our family was complete and was very happy with that. And then the third came along. I was so worried and cried for a good few weeks as everything was going to be so much harder. We made the decision to keep the baby and it’s a little girl so I do feel like it was meant to be. After I got over the initial shock (I’m 42) I’m now very content and happy.

First things first you need to speak to your husband. At the end of the day it takes two to make a baby so he can’t be too unreasonable about it! There is no pressure on you to have the baby, you have time to think about what you want to do and to make the right decision for your family. I would also say though to give yourself time for the shock to settle in and you may find you feel differently about it. I worried about everything from finances, to the baby being healthy due to my age etc. Keep talking as it does help.

You don't have to go ahead with this pregnancy if you don't want to. A termination isn't a terrible, awful thing. It's a valuable and important option open to women when they choose not to go ahead with a pregnancy, for whatever reason. Your reasons aren't selfish.

Thank you for the supportive replies. I don’t know what I want and I suppose that’s where it is difficult. It would be easier to have a termination and I think that would be my preference. I am really happy with my life, we have lots of lovely plans this year and my children are really lucky. I feel like this would only disrupt everybody.

Then I also know that my kids would love a sibling if one came along, it could be something we’re very glad happened once a baby is here and the love is there. I know I could love another baby.

im very torn. I feel like there is a clock ticking but also like this isn’t real and I can just carry on as normal and hope it goes away. I don’t think I will get a great reaction from family/friends and I’m conscious that I’m older and all the problems that could come with that.

im not ashamed to talk about termination but I don’t want to jump in to that decision and regret it later, knowing I could have given my children another sibling. They do have a lovely relationship

I'd be really cautious about weighing any feelings about "giving" your children a sibling in your decision. Your children might well not get along with an additional child. They might significantly resent the drop in income and available time for the whole household that a sibling would involve, or the inevitable massive drop in your attention and availability to them in the short term. They might get bloody fed up of being dragged along to baby stuff for several more years (there'll be a 5 year gap to your youngest).

If you choose to go ahead - and I'm not trying to sway you either way - do it because you want to raise another baby, not because you think your DC would like another sibling.

It's entirely up to you, but for those with kids already, I always think your priority is with them.

Just to update this thread for those who took time to reply with supportive messages. I did eventually tell my husband, who was supportive of either decision but we both decided to terminate the pregnancy. For lots of reasons but thank you to those who did reply, especially about my other children because it really helped me make the right decision.

I wish you both well.