Father isn’t ready.

Babytalkx · 2024-02-28T15:02:43+00:00

Hello, I’m hoping I can get some advice without judgement. Im 4 weeks pregnant, and the father of baby was really excited (I’m only 20, he’s only 22), were both working and he’s in a good career! Ive been so excited and I really feel ready for this, my family are super supportive. However last night he came over and told me he is not ready for this, if I am he will be there, take time off work etc, but just wanted to let me know how he felt… I am really unsure what to do… I don’t want to make my decision based on him and am worried I will regret it, but I really feel connected to this baby. I know I could make it work, and my boyfriend says he does love me and want babies in a few year but now isn’t the right time for him. any advice please???

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Ponderingwindow · 28/02/2024 15:15

There is always an element of risk that a woman will end up largely parenting solo, even if a baby is planned by a long-term married couple. Statistically though, the odds that you will be parenting separately from your boyfriend are higher than with a planned pregnancy. You need to be sure you don’t have some image of a happy 2 parent family in your mind as being essential.

OopsOutnumbered123 · 28/02/2024 15:15

You’re both quite young so in the nicest possible way it’s not unsurprising he may not feel ready. Was it a planned pregnancy?

Communication is key so I would encourage you both to sit down and discuss whether this is the right time for you both given your ages. Even if you are 100% sure you want to continue, it would be helpful for him to hear your reasons why etc.

Then if you are certain you are continuing with the pregnancy, you need to sit down and plan out all the things you need to sort together before baby comes and that may help you both feel more prepared. Do you have your own place or plans to get one before babies arrival?

Violettaa · 28/02/2024 15:21

At 22 he probably isn’t ready. If you’re really sure you are, then think about how you’ll cope solo.

Original poster

Babytalkx · 28/02/2024 15:23

OopsOutnumbered123 · 28/02/2024 15:15

You’re both quite young so in the nicest possible way it’s not unsurprising he may not feel ready. Was it a planned pregnancy?

Communication is key so I would encourage you both to sit down and discuss whether this is the right time for you both given your ages. Even if you are 100% sure you want to continue, it would be helpful for him to hear your reasons why etc.

Then if you are certain you are continuing with the pregnancy, you need to sit down and plan out all the things you need to sort together before baby comes and that may help you both feel more prepared. Do you have your own place or plans to get one before babies arrival?

No it wasn’t planned. which is why I’m completely understanding of his concerns.

I’m not expecting to financially rely on him, and I have got a place sorted for us to go.

I just love him and am aware it’s likely going to be our relationship or my baby.

I think with it all being such a shock it’s hard to think clearly…

OP posts:

Louise0808 · 28/02/2024 15:37

I was pregnant at 21, my boyfriend was 22. We both said we were ready. Fast forward 4 years. We had a 2 year old and a 1 year. And he said he wasn't ready.
Bit bloody late.
My only advice is prepare to do it alone if you keep this baby which sounds likely as you feel connected ( I know that feeling very well). Boys/young men who aren't ready will often not fully commit to the family home. My ex ( oh yes that didn't last) would always put other things before us. Mates, football, pub, gaming. Anything he could think of to avoid the responsibility of family.

This doesn't mean yours will but prepare incase. Solo parenting is difficult but honestly I found it easier, mentally, without him.
It took him until our youngest was 6 to grow up and stop shying away from responsibility. He is a hands on dad now. I still resent that I did it all and people praise him for how lovely our children are but I hide it. Its a silent win to me.

Speak to him properly. And I mean properly. Will he be involved? Is he planning to leave if you keep this pregnancy? Big talks big decisions.

Rosesanddaisies1 · 28/02/2024 15:37

Do you think he's just in shock? And in the kindest way, being 4 weeks pregnant does not mean you will have a baby.

Original poster

Babytalkx · 28/02/2024 15:46

Louise0808 · 28/02/2024 15:37

I was pregnant at 21, my boyfriend was 22. We both said we were ready. Fast forward 4 years. We had a 2 year old and a 1 year. And he said he wasn't ready.
Bit bloody late.
My only advice is prepare to do it alone if you keep this baby which sounds likely as you feel connected ( I know that feeling very well). Boys/young men who aren't ready will often not fully commit to the family home. My ex ( oh yes that didn't last) would always put other things before us. Mates, football, pub, gaming. Anything he could think of to avoid the responsibility of family.

This doesn't mean yours will but prepare incase. Solo parenting is difficult but honestly I found it easier, mentally, without him.
It took him until our youngest was 6 to grow up and stop shying away from responsibility. He is a hands on dad now. I still resent that I did it all and people praise him for how lovely our children are but I hide it. Its a silent win to me.

Speak to him properly. And I mean properly. Will he be involved? Is he planning to leave if you keep this pregnancy? Big talks big decisions.

Thank you so much for this response.

I do have a friend, who’s 24, who is living on her own now with her 4 year old and does have a similar experience to you by the sounds of 😂

I feel like I would be ready to do this on my own (as ready as ready can be I suppose) if it means keeping this.

I do feel if I aborted I would really struggle to move past this, and I do feel I’m ready to sacrifice my own life to be a mother.

My dad cheated on my mum when she was 20 and pregnant with myself and had my sister who was 3 years old at the time. I was basically raised by just my mum which I think gives me an insight…

i really appreciate this, thank you :)

OP posts:

Original poster

Babytalkx · 28/02/2024 15:50

Rosesanddaisies1 · 28/02/2024 15:37

Do you think he's just in shock? And in the kindest way, being 4 weeks pregnant does not mean you will have a baby.

My mother says she thinks he may be in shock, as he only told his dad a couple days ago, and his dad is quite a strict man…

I do understand about the 4 weeks though, hence coming on here rather than asking my friends, family etc. I really dread to think about losing it, which is why I feel I’d regret it if I terminated…

OP posts:

theprincessthepea · 28/02/2024 22:53

It can take longer for a man to be ready - it’s not as real if an experience to them until the baby is born.

It can go 2 ways, they will fall in love with their child and become a good parent or they shy away from responsibility.

I think set expectations early and make plans. Make sure you are covered incase you do have to go solo but I am really hoping that he comes around and it’s just the nerves - which is also very likely.