had a surgical TFMR on Wednesday at 22 weeks. I do not know how to feel, and I almost feel like I don’t know how to grieve.
As soon as I woke up from the procedure, I cried at the realisation that my daughter was no longer there. The rest of the day I felt almost relieved that the waiting for the procedure to happen, was finally over (it was a 2 week wait from our diagnosis to the procedure, a long long time once we had come to our decision). And then the evening was just a bit of a blur as I was tired, so I just slept. The next day I looked after my toddler as normal, he keeps me very busy so I didn’t really have time to think about anything.
After he went to bed a lot of emotions hit me and I cried. I cried at the loss of the life I had allowed myself to imagine. I cried at my changing body, which where my daughter had been previous, it was now empty and lifeless. I keep instinctively touching my belly just to remember that she’s not there anymore. I cried at the fact that I will never feel her kick again, or ever get to meet her. I just want to cry but I feel like there are not enough tears to truly comprehend how I feel.
I feel completely broken but to the outside world, nothing has changed. Life goes on. My toddler keeps me busy. Family have said their sorrys but that’s it. It’s almost as if we should all move past it now but how do you move past something as momentous as this.
I feel like I want to cry but I also want to keep myself busy and carry on. I want to stay positive so I don’t drown myself in depression but I also know that I need to acknowledge the grief.
I just don’t know what to feel or do. If anyone has any support or similar experience then please do share. Thank you. <3