Anxiety and guilt in pregnancy

[Mia098]

Hello. I have written here in the forum before about various topics but I thought I would collect everything in the same thread.
I am pregnant and feel that everything I do could be dangerous for the child. I feel fear and guilt every single day for things I have done during pregnancy, and it’s eating me up. Always feel that the choices I make are wrong. first I drank alcohol before I knew I was pregnant. then I took vaccines during pregnancy (influenza and boostrix polio against whooping cough), I have also used make-up that has ingredients in it that can be dangerous for the foetus. i have tried everything to do the best for the baby but i just feel like crap as these things keep giving me fear and guilt. Perhaps I should think more about the choices made, perhaps they feel more secure then. When I took the vaccine, I took it on the recommendation of a doctor, but the fear comes afterwards. perhaps it is a sign that I trust the doctor more than thinking for myself. I get so annoyed with myself too, if I had thought better of it before I would never taken it. Now I feel that I have influenced the child's development in a negative direction and it hurts so much. after all, nobody knows what these vaccines can mean in the long term for the child and it scares me that I could be to blame for this. I am thinking in particular of the medicines that were given to pregnant women in the 60s which harmed the foetus, it was also recommended by doctors. Why should we trust them more now.. I am very tired of trying to do what might be right, only to be left with fear and sadness about the choices afterwards. I guess that's what it's like to be responsible for someone else, but it's very hard to get so annoyed with yourself. Are there others who are like me, or have been like this before? and yes, I go to see a psychologist but I don't notice much improvement.

Hi there I am a midwife. In relation to medicines- the standards are now much higher and regulations are much stricter compared to 60s. Lots of women drink alcohol before knowing they are pregnant as half the pregnancies are unplanned. I doubt a bit of make up could cause any harm. Still I am very concerned you seem to be in such a dark place even though you see a psychologist. I think it's time to find another therapist. Can you share what you have just told with your community midwife and ask her to refer you to perinatal mental health support? Or self refer to a talking therapy (if you google it up you should see what's available locally. Make sure you mention you pregnant). I would hate for you to spend the rest of your pregnancy in a state you are now. I hope it helps

@Kosenrufugirl thank you very much for answering me. I really feel that it is my fault that I feel so much anxiety and guilt because it is I who have made the choices I have made during pregnancy. I have been honest with my midwife about how I feel, but she says I need to take it up with the psychologist and I have done that. but the psychologist now says that there isn't much more she can do either, so I don't know if anyone here has been in my situation and might want to share if something worked for them. yes, I'm very tired of being like that. I didn't feel like that before I got pregnant, but I feel an enormous responsibility for the baby.

I am sorry you are finding the psychologist unhelpful. I have had a lot of therapy in my life. In my experience some therapists are much more helpful than others. Is there another mental health service in your locality? Do you like reading? I have just done a quick search "Let go of guilt " on Amazon and a book by Valerie Burton came up. It has 359 mostly excellent reviews. If you don't like reading surely there are some podcasts you can listen to. Guilt and worry are such unproductive emotions. I hope you can find something that works for you.

I recall another thread you have active at the moment as well, on the same subject.
I feel like you and pp's giving advice keep on going around in circles with it all. You won't take any advice about it, as you still think you are in the wrong etc and won't be told anything. I understand that this is because of your anxiety around it all but I really do hope you manage to calm down once baby is here as you can't have the same thoughts once baby is born ie: about what you are feeding baby - if it is causing harm, the products you are using on baby - if it is causing harm to baby etc. It will all become too obsessive - like it is now.
I really wish you well and hope you find your middle ground with it all 🤗

I could also recommend a book Unwinding Anxiety by Dr Brewer. I found it helpful as I am a generally anxious person. Being told to relax doesn't work for me. Dr Brewer has a lot of strategies and his book has excellent reviews on Amazon. If you like reading of course. I hope it helps

As pp said, please ask to be referred to the perinatal mental health team in your area, they will be able to offer more intensive/tailored support than you are getting from your psychologist I would imagine. I know you say that your anxiety is due to the choices you have made in pregnancy but this isn't true, it is your anxiety telling you you have done things wrong. As a psychologist myself I am concerned about the level of your anxiety and this could get much worse when you give birth. I think you need to speak to midwife and gp and specifically ask for referral to perinatal/maternal mental health service. Hoping your anxiety feels more manageable soon x

@Kosenrufugirl thank you for your answer. yes, I feel that she goes to is actually a good psychologist but it doesn't seem like anything helps me in terms of the conscience I feel for the child. Thank you very much for the tip, I will check out the book. :)

@OooohAhhhh thank you very much. :)

@Leonarda89 thank you very much. :)

I know the feeling. I’ve been referred to therapy by my midwife. My therapist has a no-nonsense approach which I think helped. Sometimes we have to try different therapist before finding one that clicks and who to will open up to and listen to. I have had therapist that haven’t been so helpful in the past. But I was fast tracked due to pregnancy.

I do worry that these thoughts could affect post natal. I was told the same thing but for me I fell into a hopeless place and drew away from my social circle which caused me to ruminate. I’ve also had to keep myself busy by talking to partner and planning stuff. Which was hard at first as I was in isolation but my therapist encouraged me to. I’m sure yours will find solutions for your circumstance.

Could you find a pregnancy group? I started yoga and being in a room with other mums sharing their pregnancy has been a great reminder that I’m not alone.

Also you are not harming your baby with some of the actions but I’m emphasise.

I hope you can get the help you need x

It's common for expectant mothers to feel anxious about choices during pregnancy. Drinking alcohol before knowing you're pregnant is a common concern, but many women make similar mistakes. Vaccines recommended by a doctor are generally safe during pregnancy and aim to protect both mother and baby. Using makeup with certain ingredients is unlikely to cause harm. It's crucial to communicate your concerns openly with your healthcare provider for reassurance. Guilt and fear are common emotions, but professional support and understanding can help alleviate them.

Have you seen your GP, they might be able to prescribe you medication to help, many pregnant women take sertraline for anxiety. Also most areas now have a perinatal mental health team you could ask to be referred to and most trusts have perinatal mental health midwives also.

@Mia098 I'm really sorry that you're struggling so much. I've seen a couple of your threads and it must be horrible to be in such a difficult headspace as your pregnancy progresses.

You are reaching out for help which is great but I'm not quite sure what you are wanting from us all that hasn't already been done.

You have had numerous reassurances that none of your behaviours have been outside of norms in terms of drinking, make up use etc and that thousands of women have healthy babies from similar stories.

You have been recommended to seek further support from perinatal mental health or to seek a new therapist who may 'get' you better. Counselling is a partnership and it can definitely take time to find a counsellor you click with who will actually be of help to you.

As reframing your concerns against the experience of others doesn't seem to be helping you, I would strongly recommend you further explore options of alternative therapy/different mental health support. The levels of anxiety you are displaying seem to go beyond what most women experience during this time and it's really important you keep seeking support with this - particularly so that you are in a better headspace when the baby arrives.

There are loads of us on here who will happily provide a hand to hold as you navigate all this but I'm conscious it doesn't seem to be helping you much, so please do ensure that you push for further professional support whilst you are also utilising MN for reassurance.

@yoghurttops Thank you very much for your reply and for sharing your experience. did you do anything that worried you during pregnancy, for example did you take vaccines? I have tried to join a mother's group, but there were also many people who were worried and then I became even more worried. so I had to quit. so glad you found help in such a group!:)

@dreamingdaisy45 thank you for your answer:)

@Sara40n I go to a psychologist, but I don't feel much improvement. the reason i don't feel much improvement is probably because my fear feels so real.

@SnookyPook thank you for your answer:)I feel like I've given up a little bit on getting help because I've gotten help and nothing seems to work for me. I have really tried to get help, had sessions with a psychologist and did the homework I was given by the psychologist. I probably won't get better because I really believe that I have done something dangerous to the fetus.

Sorry you’ve probably already been told this but you can only do your best, so much is down to luck that beyond obviously not doing anything stupid like binge drinking your way through the first trimester. Most of the things you are worrying about have minimal influence compared to other things beyond your control which will end up affecting your child’s life. Obviously, do what you can, e.g. I try to feed my children more organic and healthier food when I can but no point getting upset that I can’t do that 100% of the time, same as no point getting upset if I don’t do their school reading with them for a couple of nights. It would be more counterproductive to them having a stressed parent. I also have grown up children so do know that from experience.
I’ve never found those parents who expect perfection from themselves and everyone around them end up with the happiest healthiest children anyway, far from it

@Sara40n but I think maybe that's the problem here - that I feel I haven't done my best because I should have thought much longer about the vaccine, for example, instead of sitting afterwards having anxiety about the vaccine. I find it difficult to know what is the best, because when I make a choice I think that it was not the right choice. I feel that it is now when the fetus is in the womb that it is most vulnerable and everything I do can have consequences for the baby. the best thing would have been not to make any choices, because then I would have avoided having a bad conscience about it.

I do understand that as had the vaccine too as was offered it straight after my 20 week scan , when I hadn’t been expecting it and made a snap decision and then afterwards had 2nd thoughts about whether it had been the right decision. However it’s really isn’t worth obsessing over it, maybe I would of if that had happened in my first pregnancy as was still under the illusion that how my child would turn out was totally down to me and the decisions I made. The reality is there is a lot in parenting which is not as important as you think, keeping them safe from obvious harm and having them feel generally loved is important but beyond that you just do what you can, the influence of all those little things is cumulatively important but no one thing on its own is likely to make a huge difference

@Sara40n good to hear that someone shares my skepticism about vaccines in pregnancy. Yes, there is probably a lot we cannot control, but we can control the choices we make. I just wish I thought more about it before I did it.