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Original poster

Possible miscarriage and I'm so mad at my husband

40 replies

Fireflowers · 18/02/2024 07:22

I'm still waiting for the results but I have a 70% change of miscarriage at 8 weeks. I went to see the doctor for the 1st time last Friday and there was no heartbeat. I wanted to see another doctor that I liked at 5 weeks but ended up having a fight with my husband. For some reason, he didn't like this doctor because it wasn't the one he recommended and he thinks that I don't trust him. I just moved to Rome, Italy and I got the doctor recommendation from a women's network. She spoke English and I was comfortable with her. He asked his family obstetrician who said that I didn't need to go. I wished that I was in my home country so that I could be less impotent and know exactly what to do. I'm usually such a proactive person and it makes me mad that I deferred to him so much on this, especially knowing that might have contributed to losing the pregnancy.

I'm so mad at myself and also at my husband. I wished I had pushed more for seeing the doctor earlier. Maybe the doctor could've identified risks earlier. I understand that most of the miscarriage is because of abnormalities of the chromosomes, but the other reasons maybe we could've prevented.

I've spent the Friday and Saturday crying and grieving. I feel a bit better but every now and then the anger came. I feel like an idiot for not pushing more, especially given my geriatric age of 42.

OP posts:
SmileyClare · 18/02/2024 13:12

I don’t want to overload you with info but the NCT link below might be helpful.

Miscarriage in early pregnancy is very common and usually not preventable (unless caused by lifestyle factors such as excessive drinking/ drug misuse)

No one is responsible or .to blame.

Miscarriage: your questions answered | Pregnancy articles & support | NCT

It’s one of the hardest topics to discuss but is incredibly common. Here’s what you need to know about miscarriage.

https://www.nct.org.uk/pregnancy/miscarriage/miscarriage-your-questions-answered#:~:text=Most%20miscarriages%20occur%20at%20the,first%2012%20weeks%20of%20pregnancy.

Rosesanddaisies1 · 18/02/2024 13:14

SmileyClare · 18/02/2024 12:35

I think firstly you need to be aware that it’s incredibly difficult to detect a heartbeat at 7/8 weeks gestation. What type of ultra sound did you have? This is why you’ve been booked into a second scan. Your pregnancy may still be viable?

There are some steps you can take to maximise a successful pregnancy in the future. Taking low dose aspirin can be beneficial.

Its important that you feel listened to and respected by your dh. I completely understand your wish to be under the care of English speaking HCPs.
However, you must accept that being examined by a doctor at 5 weeks pregnant instead of 8 weeks would make no difference to your treatment.
Progesterone would not have been prescribed in your situation.

12 weeks gestation is the usual date (UK) to confirm a viable pregnancy with ultra scan. Before that, a scan cannot be conclusive or give any useful information on the health or viability of your embryo.

This isn’t true. I had an external scan this week at 6weeks and there was a very visible heartbeat.

SallyWD · 18/02/2024 13:16

I'm so sorry you're going through this.
Like others have said there's absolutely nothing the doctors could have done to prevent this. Having a scan at 5 weeks would have made no difference. I'm sorry. Hope you a successful pregnancy next time.

Luxell934 · 18/02/2024 13:40

So sorry OP

But it would have made no difference if you had seen a doctor (your preferred doctor or any doctor) at 5 weeks. There would have been nothing they could have done. It's not your fault this happened, and it's not your husbands either.

Mamoun · 18/02/2024 13:44

I am so sorry but the doctor you wanted to see at 5 weeks wouldn't have been able to change the outcome. You are taking your sadness / anger on your husband. Next time of course see the doctor and try to have as much agency as you can but no need to blame your husband.

SmileyClare · 18/02/2024 14:09

Rosesanddaisies1 · 18/02/2024 13:14

This isn’t true. I had an external scan this week at 6weeks and there was a very visible heartbeat.

Show quote history

Fair enough. The most common reason for not detecting a heartbeat before 6/7 weeks is the limitations of ultra sound technology, the size of the embryo and an inability to pinpoint the exact date of conception- which throws dates off slightly.

Thats the reason op has been offered a later scan. She did have a trans vaginal scan though ( I didn’t realise) which is more accurate.

I think you’ve had some good advice on here op and I hoped it has helped a little x

MiltonNorthern · 18/02/2024 14:19

Fireflowers · 18/02/2024 10:08

@SmileyClare @YetAnotherSpartacus Definitely issues around control, which I'm finding out now. It's been complicated trying to navigate this. We've been having arguments about doctors since we started talking about having a baby (we married late in life 2 years ago), and I just didn't understand it. I wanted to find an English speaking doctor so I could be independent with the visits, but we'd end up arguing everytime I bring it up. Maybe this pregnancy was not meant to be and we have to solve this issue first.

I know this is the last thing you want to think about now, and I know you want to have a child, maybe at any cost. But a man who argues with you about your antenatal care is not a nice man and I would really recommend some soul searching over whether you want to be raising a child with this man.
I am sorry for your loss.

FirstTimeMum887 · 18/02/2024 15:04

I'm so sorry, OP.

Firstly, no one could prevent a miscarriage in the first trimester. Unless you're a heavy drug/alcohol user or had a bad case of food poisoning, none of it is under your or the Dr's control. There is nothing you could have done.

Secondly, I don't like the sound of your husband. Maybe take this opportunity to look at your relationship objectively, take a step back. It's not about the miscarriage or the doctors, but about control. Why is he imposing himself like that? My DH goes with whatever I decide, it's my body, my pregnancy.

TheSquareMile · 18/02/2024 15:43

@Fireflowers

Where is your home country, OP? I'm wondering whether there is a doctor in Rome who qualified in the country you are from and with whom you would feel comfortable.

What prompted you to move to Rome? Have you moved because of your job?

Hoping for better days for you soon.

Original poster
Fireflowers · 19/02/2024 09:02

Thank you everyone for the insights and advice, much appreciated. I feel more informed now, if I were to do this again next time. I am getting more used to the idea that this one may not be viable.

OP posts:
SmileyClare · 19/02/2024 09:29

Be kind to yourself @Fireflowers

It might feel lonely if you’re going through something like this having recently relocated to a new country.
MN is very supportive but there’s a link below to additional help should you need it .

Wishing you all the best 💐.

Miscarriage and pregnancy loss helpline - The Miscarriage Association

Find out how you can contact the Miscarriage Association's staffed pregnancy loss helpline by phone or email. The helpline offers support to people affected by pregnancy loss from Monday - Friday, 9 a.m. to 4 p.m. This page also contains information ab...

https://www.miscarriageassociation.org.uk/how-we-help/helpline/

SnookyPook · 19/02/2024 09:34

SmileyClare · 19/02/2024 09:29

Be kind to yourself @Fireflowers

It might feel lonely if you’re going through something like this having recently relocated to a new country.
MN is very supportive but there’s a link below to additional help should you need it .

Wishing you all the best 💐.

I gave this support line a ring after my MMC and cried down the phone for half an hour to a lovely lady.

Hope you're doing as ok as can be @Fireflowers . Getting used to the idea doesn't make it any less sad. 💕

Original poster
Fireflowers · 20/02/2024 17:55

Thank you all. I did the blood tests and my HCG levels dropped, so it's looking like a MMC. My TSH level is also high at 4.2 so hypothyroidism. I'll go back to the doctor this week and arrange for a D&C. Wish me luck🍀

OP posts:
SmileyClare · 20/02/2024 21:20

Sorry you’re going through this op. Give yourself time to come to terms with everything and grieve- it’s normal to feel a whole range of emotions but no one is to blame.

Sending sympathy and best wishes Flowers

mrsmb03 · 20/02/2024 22:10

I just wanted to say I am so sorry you are going through this and wish you good physical and mental health as you deal with this. I have had losses too and it is very hard. Please treat and be kind to yourself. ❤

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