Had a D&C on Tuesday for my beautiful twins. I am lost & spiralling. Somebody please talk to me

[aimeeeleanor]

Please please somebody talk to me, I am so broken

I had a D&C on Tuesday after the loss of our beautiful twins in the first trimester

I have been back to the hospital today as my bleeding has got heavier, and I am in much more pain. I literally feel like a bowling ball is coming out of me

Got examined & doc gave me antibiotics incase of an infection & codeine for the pain, couldn’t see anything obviously wrong & blood tests & urine tests came back clear too

I cannot cope with this anymore. My body feels absolutely horrendous. I don’t even feel like it’s mine

I have a 19 month old to look after as well & feel as if I am letting them down too. My DH is also beyond supportive but I don’t want to upset him by letting him just how low I am. I’m already feeling like a burden after having lost our babies - I would be devastated if a friend of mine said this to me about themselves but my body has let me down so many times in the past - Open heart surgery twice, pre cancerous cells removed from cervix, lung scarring from childhood disease & i’m only 34!

Sorry i just don’t know what or why i’m even posting. Does this get better? I don’t even feel like I’m in my own head or body. I haven’t slept for days, I just cannot do this anymore. It hurts so so much

I remember your post on Tuesday.
I'm so sorry your feeling this way!
The way your feeling is the way I felt also.
It's such a horrible, horrible thing to go through, your body, pain and bleeding is a constant reminder of your loss.
Please speak to your other half and don't feel like a burden, this is something you are definitely not.
Have the hospital offered you any counselling? If you contact your local EPU they can arrange this for you.
None of this is your fault, trust me I know how hard that is to believe.
I also felt my body had let me down.
It's a long journey,
Please try to allow yourself time to heal

Sending love to you xxx

Hi, I am so sorry for your loss. I had to have codeine after a d&c was in a lot of pain. It does get easier as time goes on. Can you see your gp and tell them you’re not sleeping and how you are feeling mentally? Can you see a counsellor? I joined a local charity for parents who have lost a pregnancy/child I found the support group meetings really helpful. Also it is not your fault. Sending you lots of love.

Can relate to your circumstances-It's to be expected that you will feel like this right now, don't be hard on yourself and focus on your baby and your lovely dh to get through it. Rest and understand that you aren't letting anyone down. This bit will be the hardest but you are doing it. You won't always feel like this and a lot happier times are ahead for your family. All the best

@Mummyofatinyterror thank you so much for taking the time to reply to me. I’m really embarrassed of how I’m feeling and the fact I keep posting, it must seem so attention seeking. But I’m also just scared. I’ve never felt like this before

I just want and need this to end now, the constant reminder that my babies are no longer with me is too much

I’m finding that during the day I can ‘lock it up’. Take my 19mo out & about, be present. But on an evening when my DH & DC are asleep, that’s when I collapse

god this is so stupid, people have been through worse. I just wish I could stop

I'm sending my love to you. I know it's nothing in the grand scheme of things but my love you have non the less xx

Oh @aimeeeleanor. It's not stupid, you've been through something incredibly invasive and traumatic and that's before you even get to the emotional cost.

Please try and be gentle with yourself and don't beat yourself up for feeling how you do.

One hour and one day at a time 💐

What you have been through is major. It doesn't matter what other people have been through, this is your now and however your feeling is validated.
I promise you it does get easier, it will always stay with you but it does get easier to cope with!
Did your hospital give you a little keepsake box? I found buying a special candle and lighting it each evening helped me.
I know that sounds ridiculous but to me it meant that they weren't forgotten about!

Sending love,parenting can be horrendous, and birthing really messes up your body, given what we go through,you need a good few months to recover physically and mentally. Be kind to yourself, and ask family or your partner to help. We women are amazing but we need to be more vocal about demanding help when we have just fed and carried a baby inside us, and all the fun of childbirth

Op,are you perhaps blaming yourself because you have had a lot of health issues? Please don't blame yourself, sometimes thing just happen, however awful, but this was not your fault. I hope you seek some counselling. You deserve to feel better x

I went through the same 17 years ago. Twins and heartbreak at 12 weeks. It was so painful and I had to give myself time to grieve. Thankfully I was well held by loved ones. It’s a distant memory now. Across the corridor I have two lovely teens.

It does get easier. Everything is so vivid right now and I remember getting flashbacks of being in the room when we found out etc. I used to work with a commute and had to leave because I couldn't be alone for a very long time so I totally get it. I would get intense sadness, like the intensity of a panic attack but just with overwhelming sadness every time I was in the car on my own.

I'm 18m on and I'm still sad that things didn't work out but the intensity of that sadness has gone. The details of the days surrounding events which used to consume my every waking thought are becoming more hazy. I'm back working more hours with a commute and honestly can't remember the last time I felt the sadness attacks. I clung to my children and was very kind to myself immediately after and I finally feel like the depression is starting to lift.
.

Oh that's awful. I'm not surprised you feel broken right now but my goodness you're amazing, the heart surgery, lungs and cells removed then this.

Please take it easy you've been through so much, can you have a day of not masking the pain and leave your 19 month old somewhere?

That will be exhausting dont you need to resting?

Please allow yourself the time and space to grieve, what you've been through is awful. Sending love.

I’m so sorry OP. Please take care of yourself and allow the grief to flow. Your body is doing what it needs to do now to aid recovery, continue to see the doctor if the bleeding is excessive. Take care and make yourself a priority.

I lost a baby at 12 weeks and had to have a D&C. It was the worst thing I’ve even been through. I honestly felt like I didn’t want to live anymore without my baby.
You are not stupid, your feelings are valid! You need to give yourself compassion and time to heal. It will take some time, but it WILL get better I promise.
This is not your fault. You aren’t a burden. Your body didn’t let you down. First trimester miscarriage is so common and a foetus/ foetuses may be unable to develop for so many reasons that have nothing to do with your body 🤍
Sending so much love to your OP. Be kind to yourself. You will get through this and feel like yourself again 🤍🤍❤️‍🩹.

I'm so sorry Hun. I had a 14 week loss last January and I had to tell my 4 year old his sibling had died. I didn't think I would ever survive the emotional pain and trauma of it all, I was caught up in the night scream crying and had to contact a helpline twice. It is such a horrendous thing to go through.

But what I do want to tell you is it does get easier... In a sense that you get used to the pain and how to deal with it. I wear a necklace with my baby's scan photo in it everyday, I have all the paperwork and scans from hospital kept away safe. Light a candle on meaningful dates. My son still has the scan picture on his toy kitchen too.

I'm actually now 32 weeks pregnant with a baby girl, which I never could have imagined this time last year. Its been the most anxiety inducing time but I promise, life will work itself out and you never have to forget your sweet twins when it does.

I've heard that a mum carries cells from their babies for the rest of their lives, no matter how long you carried them for. So know a little piece of those babies lives on within you forever. You may have only carried those little angels for a short time but they'll be loved for a lifetime.

Seek help where needed, talk where needed and let yourself feel whatever you need to feel to make it through this. You've got this mama 💪🏻

Hi love. I am currently going through the same thing. I had a d&c early January lost our baby at 10 weeks. My partner is so supportive but same time I feel like I cannot show him how low i really am as he is trying so hard to keep me happy and positive. Just how you feel- I feel like I let him down as this would have been our first baby he was so happy & so excited. As the weeks go by I am getting much better with my emotions and feelings and getting stronger knowing that soon we can try again! You have to be so strong and remember the life you have now with your child & DH is what keeps you going ❤️
Early pregnancy unit as gave me an appointment in ‘pregnancy loss’ clinic where she explained they will scan me again and talk about best options for me to fall pregnant in the future. Maybe you can see if they can offer you something like this? Speaking to people always makes me feel better
At the same time this was all happening, I was pending results from a tumor I had removed on my ovary to know if it is cancerous or not. So again this made me into a big mess. I am having surgery next week to remove my ovary as maybe it could have been cancerous. So in the first two month of this year I have lost my baby and my ovary!
Anyway just wanted to also share my story as it helps me a lot knowing I’m not the only one going through a shit time and us have to stay so strong and bad times will always pass!! 💖💖💖💖