Grieving both parents whilst pregnant

[CL2017]

My Dad passed away last month and my mum is also terminally ill with the same brain cancer as Dad. Its been the most traumatic year. My husband and I married a week before my Dad passed away, a very quick planned wedding but i didnt want them to miss out on knowing we had got married. My husband and I planned to have 1 more baby as we have 2 girls already (6 and 19 months). My mum doesn't have much longer as she is deteriorating as Dad did. I have so much going on caring for Mum and haven't even had a chance to grieve for my Dad. Unless you've experienced it you can't imagine the pain. My parents were hoping we would get married and have 1 more baby and were excited for us but their illnesses have happened so quickly. It's just planning the right time, I'm 32 and my husband is 36 and he doesn't want to leave it much longer to have another if we do but is so respectful of my wishes and has said it doesn't matter if I decide another baby would be too much. I just don't want to look back and regret not having another. Its an awful place to be in and whilst it would bring a lot of hope in these dark times for my family, including my siblings and nephews, I just know if it would be the right thing and if I'd cope with grieving and missing my parents whilst having another baby..

Oh my God you have been through hell of a lot
Life has certainly dealt you some shit cards recently having these kinds of experinces to contend with

I would encourage you to turn to your families members who you are close too for support and genuine good friends for some emotional support and to also get outside support such some kind of good bereavement therapy support too,

Also just wondering if you could get practical support help in regards of caring for your mother with adult social services who could turn up and give extra support for you at home too?

I am not sure if trying 🤔 for another baby yet is bit too much emotionally so soon after everything you are going through,

i think i would give it bit or some more time pass before doing that trying for a 👶 baby,

I think trying for a baby later is a lovely idea having a sister or brother for your child..

I am just thinking with extra practical support you could maybe recharge your batteries emotionally and be able to have me time to pamper yourself to visting hairdressers or visting a friends at a cafe ect too,

but just thinking 🤔 how quickly your mother deteriorating every minute of the day is obviously precious..

So sorry op 💛

So sorry op 🙏🏾

So sorry you’re going through this OP. I lost my Mum and Dad ten weeks apart, both from cancer. It was the most horrendous year of my life and has taken me ten years (adding in Covid midway through and now perimenopause) to get to feel vaguely ‘normal’ again. The losses themselves were devastating but the trauma of that year was profound. The shock of the two diagnoses one after the other, seeing my parents both deteriorate and become so vulnerable, and then the endless medical appointments, toing and froing between hospital and hospice. Which parent most needs my support today? The utter unfairness of my poor mum being bereaved when she herself was dying. I’m not the same person now as I was before it all.

My DCs were 5 and 7 then and trying to be a good mum to these two lovely little children while in such torment was so hard. Luckily my DH was massively supportive and he works for himself so was willing and able to be flexible with his hours to pick up the slack.

I can’t imagine throwing another pregnancy and newborn into the midst of all that and I think it might have broken me (even more so than I already was), but I’m not you- it’s got to be your decision.

Whatever you decide, you need to be very kind to yourself and prioritise your own well-being as much as possible. 💐

So sorry OP x
One of my parents was diagnosed with cancer just after I had my second baby, things deteriorated quickly and they sadly passed months later. I am now dealing with the grief and processing of many feelings from the time he was so ill, when we were in the thick of it you’re almost living off adrenaline alone. I wouldn’t say it’s the ideal time to start trying however you must do what’s best for you (we are all different), if possible I would give yourself some time x

I honestly think you need to put another baby plans on hold. Your instinct is already telling you this. Especially since there's evidence that high levels of stress in pregnancy are linked with childhood learning disabilities and ADHD

My DH went through very similar recently, losing both his parents in the space of 6 weeks.
I'm so sorry OP. It's so so cruel and so hard. Not just the losses, but the level of care and the emotional and physical toll that takes on the whole family too.
Personally, at your age, in your circumstances, I think it would be sensible to wait. You have enough to deal with.
You have to think of the young child you already have and your mental health. You have time, so I would take at least a bit of time.

OP, I’m so sorry that you’re going through this.

Aside from the considerations of whether you’d cope with another pregnancy and baby on top of this, it might be worth considering this too:

It can be much harder to conceive when you’re stressed and going through emotional turmoil. Not impossible of course, but it can be a significant factor for some couples when they’re struggling with conception. It might be really demoralising for you to decide that a new baby would be a light for your family, and then find it difficult to actually conceive. It could be another thing that makes everything worse.

For that reason I would wait until you’re in a better place emotionally - not “over it”, because that’s not how grief works, but better able to cope with your grief. At that point you can make a decision about whether adding to your family is the right thing to do.

To add, we have a DC8 and had lost a baby just a year before everything happened with DH parents. It was devastated, but I honestly look back now and realise that was meant to be. I do not know how we would have managed everything with an 8 month old baby too.
The universe is mysterious.

What a horrible situation to find yourselves in. I am so very sorry.
You already have two very small children and frankly it raises a red flag to me a little that your husband wants you to be pregnant again as soon as possible, but that may just be me overthinking.
I understand if you want to have another and I do think you will cope with being pregnant with everything else- because women do, we are strong generally, but do you want to? Truly. Why?

Wow, the circumstances you went through sound so similar to me. Im so sorry you went through it all too. My Dad was diagnosed in April last year, then my mum 2 months later. Turns out they both had the same type of cancer.. 185 million to 1 of this happening at the same time to a married couple, no words can describe the devastation. I'm so lucky to have such support around me from friends and my siblings and I are pulling through it all together. My children and my husband are what's keeping me going as well. I'm so torn what to do, I want to try and stick to living my life and I don't want my family to miss out on us holding back on doing things we had originally planned but equally as you say will throwing a baby into the mix be the right choice, especially when my mental wellbeing is all over the place and will there ever be a right time for me to have another baby as ill miss them dreadfully throughout all the stages of pregnancy and having the baby here without mum and dad just devastates me. I just hoped to give a little glimp of hope to us all and especially to my 6 year old, it's so hard seeing her so young and experiencing grief like this, she was so close to my parents and adored them both.

Sorry ive just re read what i put and i dont think ive worded it correctly. I think my husband was orginally more concerned before my parents were ill about being an 'old dad'.. silly i know as he is only 36. But it isn't a red flag at all as he hasn't put any more pressure on me, I'm putting the pressure on myself as I equally wanted another baby after we got married and didnt want a big age gap between a new baby and my youngest. He has actually been my rock in all of this and has said whatever I decide to do in the circumstances he will be happy as long as im ok with the decision, I don't know how I'd cope without him by my side in all this. Honestly it's me wanting another baby but just not knowing when the right time will be and if there ever will be the right time.

That's very true, I didn't think of that. I fell pretty quickly with my 2 girls but as the circumstances are different it might not be as straight forward x

We are both very much on the same page in that another baby is still a possibilityfor us both, however after everthing we've been through if we decide it wouldnt be right we are so lucky to have the 2 girls we have and will just continue life as it is. My parents were so happy I found him and how amazing he is as a partner and as a Dad, that's why I wanted to get married before Dad passed, for him to know I was OK and that we did get married as we planned to before they were ill. He really does look after me and the girls as best as he can and he really is my best friend. Like I said I think to him he has always wanted to have kids before 40 and I wouldn't want to leave it past 35 so the age gaps arent that big between the kids but that's just our personal preference.