Planned BFP but I’m the least maternal person I know!

[Lemonhead88]

Hi everyone

Long time lurker here through our TTC journey. Just had my BFP on Monday (only 4-5 weeks). I’m 35 and my pals started popping out weans last year and, conscious of age, I decided to come off the pill and get busy. I really have never been a fan of babies or children with no maternal urges but lately I started to have flickers of ‘I can see myself with a kid’ (though never a baby!) and I guess on some level I must want this for sure.

My DH has a big family and people pop out kids like they’re changing shoes and it’s become a running joke that I won’t hold anyone’s baby and that they make me feel horrendously awkward. I’m the one who has just focused on work and PhDs and stuff like that and they all think I’m a bit weird I think! I am neurodivergent (not that anyone in my close family really ‘believes in all that’) with a history of anxiety/depression and kids just trigger all my sensory misery. I’ve been reassured it’s all so totally different when it’s your own but I’m scared it won’t be!

I’m still processing BFP and I know it’s sooooo early… but just feel slightly dissociative and cold about it. DH is excited but I just don’t want to talk about it really, just said I want to carry on like normal for a few weeks… I don’t want to tell my parents, we’re really close but I’m worried about being overloaded with helpful advice and people asking if I’m ok all the time etc. And argh! I know it might be hard for people to understand and I get 100% it comes across ungrateful, but it’s genuinely just how my brain processes things - wish it was different. Basically feel like my emotional side of brain is battling with the logical side that’s pointing out how lucky I am, that everything will be great and I’m in a very fortunate position and that I did want this.

Just needed to get this off my chest to the faceless internet void, not really sure what I’m expecting back, if anything. Maybe just solidarity from anyone else who’s found out they’re pregnant and having an existential crisis!?😂 I would kindly ask anyone who just thinks I’m a tit to not tell me though (I know it’s your prerogative to do so on t’internet, but i’m feeling quite fragile 🫠).

I had a massive identity crisis when I was pregnant. I didn't even realise it was a thing. It's called matrescence - the process of becoming a mother. Also regarding neurodivergence, there are special earplugs and things you can get to help with the sensory side of stuff. Lots of people are neurodivergent parents so there's lots of support (if you need it). Lots of stuff on instagram. But instinctually you usually like your own children a whole lot more because you're invested in them (if you want to boil it down to basics).

Congratulations! I'm sure you'll be wonderful!

Honestly I still can’t bear other people’s children, but when my friend who is the least maternal person in the world had her first and was besotted, I figured the saying ‘it’s different when it’s your own’ must be true.

It didn’t stop the feelings of doom and uncertainty throughout my pregnancy, but I now have a 2yo I wouldn’t be without and another on the way.
I struggled with feeling like I couldn’t be a good mum if I wasn’t super excited to be pregnant, but I actually think most people feel like this and it’s just not talked sbout.

Thank you both, that’s all really reassuring. I’ve struggled my whole life with feeling that I’m ’not right’ and only in the last few years have felt content with myself and amazingly happy with the career I’m passionate about etc, so I’m just riddled with anxiety that this is going to upset the apple cart and I won’t cope.

@Lemonhead88 Congratulations on your pregnancy, and please don’t worry that what you’re feeling is completely alien to everyone: loads of people have a range of anxieties around pregnancy. Some are more practical, others more emotional, but they’re all within the realm of feelings that it’s completely “normal” to have.

I’m 36, incredibly happy with my life and career and am 8 weeks pregnant now. We planned, but we both said in an ideal world we’d have waited another 2-3 years because we were really enjoying our lives! We just figured if we were going to have children ever, we shouldn’t really wait much longer due to my age.

As happy as we are, we are both really anxious about losing the lifestyle we’ve been enjoying. We’ve both been really honest with each other about it, and that’s helped us to feel that it’s ok to feel like this. We have no idea if our lives are going to become a massive shitstorm as a result of having a baby! But we just have to hope that what we gain will outweigh what we miss.

I would recommend being honest with your midwife when you get your booking in appointment (should be around the 8-10 week mark). They can help to either arrange support now if it’s needed, or just know that this is something they’ll need to monitor at your appointments going forward.

I think it's bizarre to expect you will feel 'maternal' or anything at this stage, it's a weird thing in society that everyone should be thrilled from the day they get a BFP. I'm 7 weeks and I am not even allowing myself to think beyond each day, having had a miscarriage last year. Take each day as it comes

You may be like me and fiercely maternal for your own but continue to be more than happy for others to keep their little treasures to themselves! And that's fine.

I've had three, I don't relish the tiny baby helpless times at all, but you get through it and then get to the great times when you get something back and it all gets easier.
I have a friend who adores the helpless baby months and dislikes the interactive toddler stage, which is when they start to become interesting to me.

We are all different, there isn't an amazing mother figure smashing it all out there.
You're wanting to keep it quiet and to yourselves for now is sensible and right for YOU, you are adjusting and processing, that's all. There are no black and white rules for what is right or wrong. Just do you, good luck x

If DH is excited that could be a very helpful thing. Have you discussed with him the possibility of him taking on more responsibilities than most Dad's would? For example, you could cut your maternity leave short and he could take the remainder. I also am very invested in work and actually when I discussed doing exactly this with DH he was excited at the prospect. Every couple is different.

You are not alone! I am 34 (today, happy birthday to me lol) and I am going in next week to have my 2nd baby. 1st dd is 22 months. I was 32 when I had her.

I’ve never seen myself as maternal figure and even now don’t care for other peoples kids much🙈 When dd was born i spent MONTHS thinking WTF have we done. Low and behold when she was 13 months i wanted to try for our 2nd and last to ‘get it over with’. I love her so much but motherhood doesnt come as natural to me as others. I also got diagnosed as autistic in August past which probably was why i struggled so much but jesus i love that little girl so much! I think many women feel like this but don’t voice it! You will smash it :)

Im 35 too and feel very similar about my pregnancy. I love my job, love spending time with my DH. We're really lucky that we have a great life.

I reached 35 and realized that I had to decide whether or not I wanted children, as time was limited. I found making the decision really hard and in the end stopped contraception to "see what happened".

What happened was I got pregnant in the first cycle.

Again, this was obviously very lucky, but I feel shocked and uncertain about the whole thing. Thought it would take a while (I'm not 18 anymore) and I'd have chance to change my mind.

I feel like I'm mourning our wonderful life and my career.

It's still early days with the pregnancy, so much could happen yet. And I would not say any of this in real life as I'm aware how stupid and selfish it sounds. I just would have liked a bit more time.

Totally normal! Thoughout pregnancy I was always anxious that something would go wrong, but I didn’t really feel bonded in the way some people talk about, even right at the end it didn’t feel real?

Now she’s here and I’m besotted. It’s so different when it’s your own.

I spent years thinking I didn’t want kids, and was on the fence even when TTC.

It’s so hard (I slept about 3 hours last night) but she is amazing. I’m so glad I did it.

still don’t like other babies!

Congrats, OP!

I didn't think I was the least bit maternal either and I'm still not at all interested in other people's babies* but my son (now three) is just the best thing in the whole world ❤

I'm also neurodivergent (autistic) and Loop earplugs saved my sanity when my son would cry as a baby. Going back to work at six months and having him in childcare from nine months also helped towards making me feel like me again and not just someone's mum.

I did experience the panic of losing the life that my husband and I had but ultimately, we didn't really lose it, we've just added a third adventurer to the party 😍

*Bar my nephew who I love like I love my own son.

@TheBirdintheCave sorry to jump on but i was diagnosed autistic when i was 33 and my dd was 16 months… that was a wild ride😅 i am due 2nd baby within weeks and have been looking at the loop earplugs! Which ones do you recommend? X

@PeeBeee I went with the Loop Quiets as I also use them for sleeping :)

@TheBirdintheCave thank you! Will definitely order a pair today!

I find other people's babies thoroughly annoying! I am also pregnant, I am actually quite excited and maternal and happy, but lately, the last week or so, I've started to resent how much of myself I am losing. I have lost my mojo at work because of nausea and I can’t get back on it, it's really affecting my performance. I resent I can't eat what I want, exercise, I already resent DH's life going on as normal. I stayed up all night last night being angry at life, constipation, all of it.

Of course some of this is hormones but my point is no one is perfect, many don't have this straightforward experience of just happiness and excitement, our lives are changing so much it's ok to take time to process.

I can’t reply to everyone’s responses individually at the moment but just a quick note to say how grateful I am for you all taking the time to reply and share your experiences. It really is wonderful to know I’m not alone in how I’m feeling.

I could have written your post, @Lemonhead88 - but I was internally freaking out as well because the pregnancy was the result of several rounds of IVF. I SHOULD have been ecstatic. I SHOULD have been lovingly caressing my bump. I SHOULD have been bonding with the baby by singing lullabies so she would know my voice etc etc. Instead I felt quite detached, and "a baby" was such an alien, abstract concept. I also didn't feel that rush of love you're supposed to feel when they're born - I looked after her, worried about her, did my best, but none of it was instinctive and natural.

HOWEVER.

I now love her beyond words. She amazes me every day. She's a little wonder. So I think the love and maternal feelings crept up on me - it grew gradually and without my really noticing.

Also, I had my second last year, and the experience couldn't be more different - I felt a huge amount of love as soon as I saw her. And watching my older DD interact with her baby sister . . . well. It's just beautiful.

So don't worry. Whatever you feel now, whatever you feel when the baby is born, it's all normal and fine, and everything will be okay!

This was me! Don't like children, never been broody, was never having kids, I did not think I had a maternal bone on my body. I'm now sat here with my gorgeous 7 week old & can honestly say it's the best thing I've done, I cannot imagine being without him & I cannot imagine never wanting children now, I'm 41. Throughout the pregnancy people kept asking if I was excited & I was a bit non committal about it all.

A friend from back in the day. A primary school teacher had 0 maternal desire. Didn't like kids much. And when she got her BFP actually cried - sadness. It was an accident.
Had her child and fell in love. She just said she doesn't feel broody when she sees others who have kids. And 0 interest in other babies and kids..but when she gave birth to hers a button switched on.

I couldn't have been more un-maternal.. till I heard her cry for me when they took her away. then it just hit me, literally hit me. It will probably hit you too at one point and if it doesn't.. that's fine!

I get it too. I'm 36 and only recently decided it was now-ish or never despite not being a baby person at all. Your fanily sounds like mine! I'm one of 11 cousins and all the others have been popping out babies at an amazing rate for years and kids are always the main topic of conversation.

I've been told so many times "you'll change your mind" but I just thought my maternal instinct must be missing... Still very unnerved by the pregnancy and baby idea, and I'm 8 weeks now, although I have become fascinated by the biological process in a detached sort of way! I've also suddenly lost all interest in my previously all-consuming career.

I like the idea of 'matrescence' as PP mentioned, and have ordered the book of the same name.