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Waiting for TFMR.. the wait is killing me

10 replies

ammmmmo · 10/02/2024 18:56

Currently 20+4, recently found out our baby has major heart defects and we have made the heartbreaking decision to say goodbye to her. The procedure is booked for the 21st Feb, when I will be 22+1.

My heart is breaking every time I feel her kick. I’m instinctively resting my hand on my stomach as I have done throughout the pregnancy, and then I remember what is going to happen and I just can’t bear it. I’m having all the pregnancy symptoms, while knowing that in just under 2 weeks she will be gone. I’m really conflicted with whether I should be cherishing these final moments with her (which I am finding hard to do because it’s breaking my heart even more), or distancing myself and trying to pretend like she isn’t there, in an attempt to make the loss easier when it happens.

I don’t even know what to say, think or feel. I’m utterly heartbroken and feel so numb. The grief hits me in waves, mainly at night after my toddler has gone to bed. I’ve cried myself to sleep every night since we found out the news.

(NB the reason I have to wait so long is because I have opted for surgical termination and need to do this via BPAS rather than the local hospital. I simply couldn’t bear the thought of medical termination and having to give birth to her).

OP posts:
WorriedGiraffe12 · 10/02/2024 19:02

Offering you hand hold and the biggest hug possible.

I went through a tmfr last year. Earlier than yourself and for other reasons but it was medically required.

I was a mess whilst deciding what to do, waiting for the appointment. Worrying about what people would say and think if they found out.

It was honestly the hardest thing I had to do but I may not have survived if I hadn't and my existing children need a mum.

Take every day at a time. You are doing this because it is necessary.

There is support out there if you want it. I've heard ARC mentioned before x

Brenna24 · 10/02/2024 19:08

I am so sorry. What a hard situation for you. Mine wasn't the same as I had a late miscarriage after finding out at the 12 week scan that baby's heart had stopped beating. However it took 10 days for the miscarriage to start. That wait was just awful and I still very much felt pregnant. I too didn't know whether to still cherish spending the time 'pregnant' and carrying him before he went, or whether to step back and try and distance myself. Now, several years down the line, I can talk about him and count him as part of our family even if we never actually got to meet him. I have no advice about how to feel about your baby because it is so individual to everyone and it can change from moment to moment but I hope that you too can get to a place of acceptance and healing from it.

Hopingforbetterluck · 10/02/2024 19:19

I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I had a TFMR two years ago and know how hard this part is. I wanted to crawl out of my skin every time I felt him move, and I hated myself. I originally wanted a surgical procedure but couldn’t bear the two week wait so opted to deliver.

Just take it a day at a time and go easy on yourself. Speak to ARC if you feel like you need to. sending you a hand hold. I wish there was something that could make the wait easier for you.

Objectiontime · 10/02/2024 19:24

My goodness, I can almost physically feel your pain. There are no words really but I do want to send you a huge hug. It is heartbreaking. You wont be the first or the last to have this experience but it absolutely doesnt help you in your sadness to know this.
I had a missed miscarriage at 12 weeks and that was dreadful in itself so what you are experiencing is something I find I cant even bring myself to try to imagine.
I just wanted to acknowledge your pain and send you some warmth as I realise that is all I can do.

Eggyleggy · 10/02/2024 19:39

I'm so sorry you are going through this. It was the most awful time of my life.
I remember reading something at the time which said "We take the pain so they don't have to." That really struck a cord with me. The emotional pain and heartbreak was awful but it meant my baby didn't have to enter a world which would have given her only pain and suffering.
I took comfort in knowing that all my baby ever knew was the warmth and love of my own body.

Twilightstarbright · 10/02/2024 20:00

Sending you a huge hug.

MaryActsLikeSheDontCare · 10/02/2024 20:04

You are doing the kindest thing for your baby girl, for your daughter. You are taking away her pain and suffering.

I would say to cherish these moments with her. Flowers

SylvanianFrenemies · 10/02/2024 20:14

I'm so sorry. I've been there.

I tried to detach, but it didnt really work. In the end I realised I needed to have memories and say goodbye to him.

Just after I took the first tablet I laid down with my daughters and read them a story. Years later, it is a comfort remembering the last moments with my 3 all together.

Sending love and strength.

RachLeeds · 10/02/2024 22:00

I am so so sorry you are having to deal with this OP. It is the worst pain in the world. I had a TMFR at 14 weeks, “luckily” the problem was picked up at the 12 week scan because it was so severe. I say luckily because feeling the baby moving must be utterly heartbreaking. This was the main reason I chose the medical abortion and did not wait for surgery. It is completely your choice and you have to do what is best for you, but I think choosing the medical option was helpful for me long term because giving birth to her was like a final act of love, if that makes sense. Also, you can see the baby, which I am glad I did now.

Just know you are not alone ❤️

Cd12 · 12/02/2024 20:19

I'm so sorry this is happening to you, we tx for multiple cardiac defects November '23 and my goodness the pain still comes in waves. I also have a toddler at home who I needed to care for throughout this process. It's so very hard and I'm sending you love and strength.

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