Trigger Warner - Considering abortion

[Motherofsons721]

* trigger warning*

Hi everybody, I’m looking for some lived experiences please… I was due on my period Friday but I just knew it wasn’t coming, took a test last night and another tonight - both confirm I’m pregnant.
My OH is the Father to my other 3 children who are 13, 7 & 6 and we had discussed him potentially having a vasectomy though this never came to fruition and here we are!
OH works away and although we have a good income we have previously spoke about how financially another child is of course an expense, one child would have to share a room with the baby eventually and as the children we currently have are getting older life is just getting easier, hence the discussion around vasectomy.
I’m in two minds what to do. I feel like there’s the rational option which would be abortion but I also am not convinced I could bring myself to do this and (dare I say it) excited at the prospect of a new life to love.
We have little to zero help in the way of childcare and somehow we muddled through before with the other 3… though it was stressful and put great strain on our relationship.
I know when I tell my OH his first reaction will be to abort (though he would never force me, he would tell me honestly that he doesn’t want another child - point blank.)
I want him to be happy and tell me we will make it work…
I fully understand the sacrifices we would have to make but I think I would regret aborting this child.
If you’ve been in a similair situation please tell me how you came to a decision?
TIA x

We had a surprise third. DH didn’t want another. We talked about it. I wanted to keep the baby. He supported me. It took us till the 12 week scan to get our heads round it.

I had to go back to work when DS was only a few months old because we hadn’t planned for another maternity leave. But it all turned out wonderfully.

If you have a solid marriage and a happy family things will work out. If you are unhappy, and feel like you can’t give the baby a decent quality of life, then don’t go ahead with the pregnancy. It doesn’t sound like that’s the case for you guys - but only you can decide.

wishing you all the best whatever your decision x

I think if you feel like this now then abortion is not something you can consider as part from you wants it. Just be honest with him from the start say this is how it is I’m pregnant I know it’s not ideal but I can’t contemplate abortion I hope you understand . It is a massive change but abortion is something you won’t get over if you have the slight doubt in your head that it’s not the right thing to do .
Hope you are ok. Be kind to yourself x

If you don't feel you can bring yourself to abort your child don't do it, you could end up regretting it and feeling guilt, and this could put a strain in your relationship as well. Best wishes xx

Sending you lots of love. Haven’t been in your exact situation, but have previously had an abortion 8 years ago now, I was young, in a very abusive and toxic relationship. I dreamed of being a mum it was a very hard decision to make, the process was horrendous and heartbreaking. I made the right decision in terms of what situation I would have brought my baby into, I know have my perfect little 7 weeks old baby girl ( after years of infertility) and at a totally different place in my life. I often think about the decision I made away back then, I know I made the right one based on who my child’s father was, but I will always hold some regret and sadness.

your situation is slightly different, although I do strongly believe that anyone should be able to make the choice they wish. The only advice I can give is, if you financially can manage and you have a loving safe home and your only dilemma is how your OH feels, talk to him. Openly and honestly. It’s not something you want to live with if it’s not 100% the right choice for you. Hope you get all the answers you need ❣️

Sending you lots of love as I know how difficult this situation is.

I had an abortion nearly 4 weeks ago. & even though me and my partner was sure it was the right decision at the time for our family, it’s now our biggest regret. Nearly four weeks on and it still hasn’t got any easier. The guilt will be with me now forever. I also have 3 children 11, 9 & 7 years old and I feel like I’ve took away a sibling from them. All the reasons why we went ahead with the abortion now seem so irrelevant and it’s put a massive strain on a relationship. If I could go back to a month ago I would have never gone ahead with it.

I know everyone’s circumstances are different but just be honest with your husband. I hope you get all the answers you need ❤️

Feel free to private message me if you need to talk. xxx

First things first. Are you married ? I ask this not from some moralistic POV but from a legal one.

If you go ahead and he doesn't want to and you split . Where will that leave you and your family financially ? Will it have a huge detrimental impact on all your lives . ?

I may be reading this completely wrong but it sounds like you are a SAHM not married and dependent on your DP. ? I really do hope I'm wrong btw..

Wow, thank you for your responses ❤️ I didn’t expect any & it feels so nice to talk about it as I haven’t told a soul! Luckily, I have family and friends who wouldn’t judge me but for some reason I’m not ready to confide in any one I know, just yet.

I suppose I should add our middle son is SEN and quite possibly so is our youngest. With that and those two being so close in age the younger years really were tough… my OH struggled to parent the middle son but now he has taken the time to understand him they have a fantastic relationship, he is a brilliant Father to all 3.

I do want to respect his wishes and let him tell me how he feels but you are all right, I’m just gonna have to lay it on the table and be honest with how I feel too.

I’m worried about leaving my job, the impact financially, space in the house, the car, the mental load lol but I know these things are all part & parcel and as a parent you just make it work - even if it’s chaotic and just a bit of a blur, you make it work.

OH is back next week from work so I will sit him down then. Wish me luck!

Thank you again for the kind words & to those of you who shared your personal stories, I appreciate the honesty ❤️

I’m not married, but we have been together 15 years. We both work, though he is the breadwinner (by far) and we are both on the mortgage.
I would surely hope he wouldn’t leave me….

I've had an abortion and the thing that stands out to me most is this line-

am not convinced I could bring myself to do this and (dare I say it) excited at the prospect of a new life to love.

I felt tne complete opposite to this. I knew straight away I wanted an abortion and didn't waver once. Afterwards emotionally it was really tough and took me a long time to recover. I don't know why because I was sure I wanted one, I guess I was just upset to be in that situation (condom broke and MAP failed)

So even when i was 100% sure, it still took a massive emotional toll. Absolutely not trying to put you off one way or another but I was shocked at how hard I found it afterwards xx

@lioneggs I’m so sorry you are feeling this way.

Do you have any support, aside from your husband?

I can only imagine how tough this must be for you and it’s so easy for me to say but you mustn’t feel guilty or like you took away a sibling from your children - you made an extremely difficult choice, that you felt was right at the time & that is a brave thing to do!
I think your children are lucky to have a Mum that is so considerate actually.

Sending you love & hoping you mend a little as time goes on xx

This is an incredibly difficult situation OP. It’s one where you must listen to your head on a practical level but you also must listen to your heart too. You know in your heart what decision you want to make. There is no right or wrong decision, but you must be at peace with it because both outcomes will come with challenges. It’s just which challenges you think are worth it for the greater good.

I would be considering the practicalities of another baby, ie is your car big enough, is the house in terms of bedrooms and sharing and things like the school run with the children if your partner works away. I am a child of a parent who worked away and so my Mum raised us alone for large amounts of time and then my Dad was home. My Mum did not do very well under the weight of responsibility, there were 3 of us.

Also the cost of childcare has rocketed and availability may be more scarce where you are. You have said the it put a great strain on your relationship last time so these are all practical things to consider too.

@Brancherana thank you for your reply.

imo the strain on our relationship before was partly because we had a 6.5 year old, an 11 month old and a newborn whilst just becoming homeowners and moving away to a new area, I didn’t drive either.)
Also partly because it was, very apparent that our middle child was SEN, though we had no idea what that even entailed at the time & OH particularly struggled with this - (we have since moved back and I drive.)

I agree with you - I need to consider the practicalities - which is what my OH will do. I know he wouldn’t want any of our children that we have now to feel any less loved or feel pushed aside.

With regards to him working away, he’s always done this - it’s all we as a family know & though I don’t have childcare that can help day to day (ie family wouldn’t just offer to take the baby out so I could nap/clean/food shop as some work and some just aren’t that way inclined) I do have a good support network who I would see regularly & they would be supportive and love the baby as they do my other children.

It’s a lot to consider & I appreciate your input, thank you 😊

@MummyJ36 Thank you.
One of those situations were I wish I could see the future on both sides! But I can’t and I’m here now… I feel foolish that after 3 children I’ve somehow ended up in this situation. I know these things happen but I just feel awful.
I am pro choice for every woman but for myself I feel like I would be taking a life that I have no right to take… I’m not a religious person but I think I may find the guilt all consuming. Hope that makes sense x

@Motherofsons721 sorry if it came across cold because it was never intended that way, for me when life throws a curve ball then Dh and I automatically go into practicality mode first, so head before heart. It is adding another baby into this that might prevent you from affording things like family holidays or school trips, as I said childcare costs are horrific.

Plus in 5 years your now 13 year old might want to go to uni and depending on your household income the government expect parents to contribute to their living costs. My eldest is at uni now and our expected contribution is £5000 a year for 3 years. So you might want to project yourself 5 years down the line and imagine what could be.

A baby will take up a lot of your time and you have to weigh that against what you give to your current children. We only had 2 but Ds2 was incredibly poorly for the first 18 months of his life which impacted Ds1. I was a sahm and Dh was here and hands on so we were able to still give Ds1 one on one time whilst the other parent was one on one with Ds2.

@Brancherana No, you didn’t sound cold atall, I appreciate your honest reply - it’s what I asked for!
Financially I don’t think it would impact us to the point we couldn’t afford the same “luxuries” we have now or not allow us to give the children the same life they are used to now but it would obviously have some financial impact - another mouth to feed always does, especially everything a new baby needs.
Good point on the uni & childcare fees tho, they are definitely things I should be considering - I want all my children to have the opportunity to go to Uni if they want to & that is something we would have to foot the bill for.
Thank you xx

@Motherofsons721 i had a termination 3 weeks ago. I have two children already and have never regretted anything more. You'll be able to work out the practical side of things. These will seem really inconsequential once you've gone through with it. If there's any part of you that wants the baby, consider the baby in your family and work out how you can make that work. I'm hugely regretting the pros and cons list. I should have written a plan for what we need to do to make space in our lives for another little person. I wanted my baby and suffered huge perinatal anxiety that really overwhelmed me. I wish I could go back like @Strawberry10x has said. The aftermath is gutwrenchhing and heartbreaking. Wishing you lots of luck and love in your decision xx