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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

Original poster

Husband is not supportive

22 replies

User12345678999000 · 04/02/2024 23:45

I’m writing this while I’m on my bed crying… I’m pregnant with my first baby and my husband is making me very upset. This was a planned pregnancy and I don’t think he is unhappy about it. He does care about me but he doesn’t show me any emotional support at all. He expects me to carry all his emotional burden as well as my own!!! If I say I’m not feeling well then he says he is not feeling well. If I say I’m tired then he says he is tired. He never asks me how I’m feeling or how he can make me feel better. It’s like he forgets that I’m pregnant? Am I wrong for expecting him to care enough to show at least some support? I have told him this several times but he just doesn’t get it. I can’t expect him to make me feel better When i am feeling sad or feeling down for whatever reason. I understand it’s not always easy or possible to make someone feel better but shouldn’t he at least try to say something positive like ‘it’s going to be okay’?? He instead says ‘I’m not feeling so good myself’! Is that normal? He didn’t ask me anything about my pregnancy symptoms or doesn’t really seem to care about any pregnancy related information. He just never thinks that I might need some support, some love and affection? I always have to feed him information, why do I have to beg him to show me some love? He hasn’t even asked me once how I’m feeling? Am I overreacting? Are all husbands like this during pregnancy? Do they not think for once that their wife/partner might need some love? 😢😢😢

OP posts:
Snickersnaps · 04/02/2024 23:54

I don't have any advice but I really feel for you, it sucks when you just want support and feel like the person you need it from most isn't giving it to you. Sometimes I do think men are just like this, especially if they haven't had to be in a very caring position before, but it's not an excuse. Maybe voice that you don't feel very supported by him if you safely can do, lots of love ❤

workingitout75 · 05/02/2024 00:03

I hear you.
Try and find the support from elsewhere for now and then talk to him if it doesn't improve,maybe he's struggling with the fact he's going to be a parent.
It throws up loads of emotions.

SouthwestSis · 05/02/2024 04:12

Sorry you are experiencing this and what a shame he can't step up and be there for you.
Agree with workingitout, find others in your life who you can rely on, let them know that you're feeling a bit sensitive and in need of some support.

BeingATwatItsABingThing · 05/02/2024 04:23

Sorry but no this is not normal behaviour. He may be struggling but he is a grown man who contributed towards the planned pregnancy and it will always be so much harder on you than him because of the physical side effects as well as the emotional support needed.

I think he’s giving you an indication of how he’ll be moving forward. Was he supportive of you before the pregnancy?

MariaVT65 · 05/02/2024 04:23

I had counselling during mat leave and my therapist said that after years of doing couples’ therapy, it’s clear that men need instructions and things spelling out for them. It’s not great or ideal, but can make life easier. I would recommend literally spelling out for him what you would like him to do or say in order to support you.

Same applies once baby is born. Often the case that men don’t offer to help with xyz, so instead of waiting for them to offer to help with something, ask them to do it.

CurlewKate · 05/02/2024 04:37

@MariaVT65 "I had counselling during mat leave and my therapist said that after years of doing couples’ therapy, it’s clear that men need instructions and things spelling out for them."

Your therapist said this??

BeingATwatItsABingThing · 05/02/2024 04:38

MariaVT65 · 05/02/2024 04:23

I had counselling during mat leave and my therapist said that after years of doing couples’ therapy, it’s clear that men need instructions and things spelling out for them. It’s not great or ideal, but can make life easier. I would recommend literally spelling out for him what you would like him to do or say in order to support you.

Same applies once baby is born. Often the case that men don’t offer to help with xyz, so instead of waiting for them to offer to help with something, ask them to do it.

What?!? Way to diminish their responsibilities. Do they need such high level of instruction at work? Doubt it!

My DH does not need instruction on how to support me. I’m pregnant with our third and he has been brilliant all three times.

anywherehollie · 05/02/2024 04:43

No it's not normal...I'm pregnant and my husband absolutely dotes on me. Your husband is a selfish idiot. Be prepared for him to be like this when the baby arrives if he can't even look after you at this stage.

MariaVT65 · 05/02/2024 04:44

Yes that’s what my therapist said. She said this is an observation after years of couples’ therapy.

it’s great some of you have supportive husbands who ALSO have emotional intuition but most guys I know of, despite being good men and intelligent academically, they have fuck all emotional intelligence and do need things spelling out for them. At least so they can learn for the future.

I’m not excusing their behaviour. I’m saying a lot of men are idiots and need things spelling out for them, so they can learn what needs to be done.

Have a frank conversation about what support you would like from him OP. If he still then doesn’t get it, then there is a bigger issue.

MariaVT65 · 05/02/2024 04:46

Just to add it doesn’t have to be an all or nothing situation either. He could be good at offering to help with some things but be clueless at others.

Sparklfairy · 05/02/2024 04:51

You need to have some difficult discussions with him. When the baby comes, it's going to be far worse. Sleep deprivation, illnesses, new stressors and worries are all in your future...

It doesn't sound like he will support you through any of that. He'll claim he's 'too tired' to help with anything, when you inevitably pick up every virus going, he'll just take to his bed and avoid his responsibilities.

He needs to shape up, fast.

BeingATwatItsABingThing · 05/02/2024 04:52

She said this is an observation after years of couples’ therapy.

Did it occur to her that her sample might not be representative of all men?

MariaVT65 · 05/02/2024 04:55

I’ve had the same convo with many of my mum friends and a common issue with partners is this:

Mum: You didn’t do xyz
Dad: You didn’t ask me to

So communication is key here in:

-Letting DH know this isn’t acceptable
-Helping with some clearer instructions eg rather then just saying ‘i’m tired’ and expecting him to know what to do about that (because he is an idiot), say i’m feeling tired, please could you help me with xyz.

MariaVT65 · 05/02/2024 04:57

BeingATwatItsABingThing · 05/02/2024 04:52

She said this is an observation after years of couples’ therapy.

Did it occur to her that her sample might not be representative of all men?

Neither of us were stupid and we know it’s not all men. But it was a valid observation, one I’ve certainly heard from a lot of my friends, and was applicable to my situation at the time. And by the sounds of it, sounds applicable to OP’s situation.

BeingATwatItsABingThing · 05/02/2024 04:58

@MariaVT65
This is how women end up with the mental load for their relationship and their children. I’m not saying it’s not a real issue that men ‘don’t know’ what to do but it is a learned behaviour that is reinforced by the attitude that it’s a woman’s responsibility to fix them.

MariaVT65 · 05/02/2024 05:04

BeingATwatItsABingThing · 05/02/2024 04:58

@MariaVT65
This is how women end up with the mental load for their relationship and their children. I’m not saying it’s not a real issue that men ‘don’t know’ what to do but it is a learned behaviour that is reinforced by the attitude that it’s a woman’s responsibility to fix them.

I think people are misunderstanding what i’m trying to say.

I’m trying to explain what may be the problem here, and I’m giving a recommendation here on a practical way to fix this and improve the situation before the baby arrives. To improve communication so the partner can see more of what they need to do and how they should be stepping up.

To be clear, i’m not saying the ‘instructions’ should go on forever. I’m saying use it as a starting point, along with a frank conversation.

But also in all honesty, at least thinking of my life and the life of my friends, there is no relationship where the mother doesn’t carry the mental load. Even just things like always being the one to book the kids’ medical appts etc, or decide they need to go up a shoe size.

Just Op’s example of saying ‘i’m tired’ struck me. Some men need a bit more clarification on how they can or should help. I’m not saying it’s right, but it’s a starting point.

kiabella · 05/02/2024 05:12

Has he always been like this or is it a new behaviour in relation to the pregnancy? Is there any possibility he could be on the autistic spectrum? Not excusing his behaviour but it dosent sound as though he is being malicious, maybe he genuinely dosent understand that he needs to offer more support?

Mrsgreen100 · 24/03/2024 20:20

Slippery slope. If he’s like that now, what is he gonna be like with a screaming baby that doesn’t sleep

ThisPinkBiscuit · 25/06/2024 15:44

@User12345678999000 I know how you feel. I'm currently pregnant with twins after a very difficult 4 years and IVF treatment, so this is very much a planned pregnancy.

As long as this pregnancy doesn't interfere with my husbands cycling he is ok. Even then he will ask why I can't do things myself. I have gestational diabetes and my blood sugars crashed while I was on the toilet a few days ago. He came and helped me at the time but then the next day he was going on about how I need to be able to take care of myself and shouldn't rely on him.

He's also behaving like a spoilt brat because I've asked him not to go on a cycling holiday with his friends to France in 2 weeks.

I've made peace that if this is how he wants to be then fine. I will do everything myself. But in return I will not do anything for him either when he needs it.

Men are absolute selfish POS and it's unfortunate that they show their real colours during your time of need such as pregnancy.

Sigoolia · 23/11/2024 01:19

He is a narcissists

OhcantthInkofaname · 23/11/2024 02:33

The next time you say you're ill and he says he's ill ask him how his illness is being manifested. Man needs to learn what empathy means.

Edingril · 23/11/2024 02:38

It is easy to blame the husband and maybe it is all his fault but there are also women who make every single small issue into something epic and don't seem ro realise billions of women have had babies

So sure it could be him but are spending the whole pregnancy so far making it your entire life?

So maybe he is sick of hearing constantly about it? We only have your version

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