Is anyone worried about people not respecting boundaries?

[KD1988UK]

It is giving me so much anxiety. My partner’s mum is lovely but she has already said a few things to us which makes me worry. My partner tried to say that we are not allowing kissing initially of baby when he arrives and immediately she said “I have never heard of that being an issue”. She has also made reference to previously enjoying falling asleep when her other grandson was a baby on the sofa cuddling him. My sister in law made a flippant comment the other day that she is not going to ask me if she can hold the baby when he is born, she will just grab him.

My fiancé is very much the same as me in his views but he has said that there is no point worrying too much about this until baby arrives and such things become an issue and he will step in and set boundaries. But I can’t help thinking about it and it’s causing alot of anxiety. My mother in law has already taken it upon herself to turn a spare room into a nursery-she hasn’t consulted us at all and she is so laid back I know she will not respect the latest guidelines in relation to SIDS and will overstep boundaries.

At the moment I do not want anyone else looking after my baby but us and it scares me how eager people are to take him away for baby sitting and grabbing him when I have grown him for 9 months.

Is anyone in this position where they are already worrying about family members?

I am 23 weeks.

The main thing is your partner is on the same page as you so that will make it easier. I do think however that he’s being a bit too laid back too, when you’ve got a newborn I don’t think that’s the time to be dealing with confrontation, also if everyone is telling you their plans now, and you don’t correct them, you’re effectively misleading them and changing the goal posts once the baby is here. Obviously there’s a level of picking your battles, but I don’t think there’s any harm in saying to mil oh this is a lovely nursery, but just a heads up we don’t expect anyone to have the baby overnight for the first few months.
Or could you make a joke out of any of it, like SIL saying she’s just going to take the baby, laugh and comment how you know she’s never be so awful.

I think sometimes it can feel like you are just a host body for the in laws dna when they do things like this, which can make mums more protective too.
but do try to think if they’re just excited and making flippant remarks that they’d never expect or carry out.

ultimately though it doesn’t matter how keen they are, you’re the parents. It doesn’t matter what they say, what nurseries they decorate or anything else, they don’t get to decide and they are being quite rude and disrespectful which I wouldn’t appreciate. If you dont want your baby to go to other people that’s your choice, but if it’s because you don’t believe your child will be safe then that’s a very important and good reason!

Totally with you on this! I know it comes from a place of love, but gosh sometimes it's overwhelming.

We don't live in the UK anymore, and on a recent visit, MIL was very vocal about how "she's worried how little she will see the baby" and that "she wanted more children, and because she couldn't, that's why she's so obsessed with her grandchildren". Yesterday she was calling to check when she should book her flights to come visit once she's born (baby due at end of March), and we've tried to be super clear that we want at least a month before anyone from out of town comes to visit, but she of course would prefer to come earlier.

She's also fairly traditional - lots of opinions on BF, medications etc. I know she will perhaps disagree with some of the ways my partner and I will choose to parent (which may be different to his sister, who already has two kids) and I'm already scared of her reaction/judgement. I try to let it wash over me, but it's super hard and I feel under pressure before the baby has even arrived.

Don't even get me started on all the plans to have huge family holidays and next Christmas, which aren't really in line with what we would prefer as a family, so now we have to manage expectations, which is just no fun. Most importantly I don't want to be accused of being the one keeping my other half away from his family, but it's finding a balance between what everyone wants vs what they NEED.

Then on the flipside, my Dad is super open about the fact he's not excited to be a grandparent, but then also shared our news with a lot of family before we had a chance to, and seems to have no boundaries when it comes to knowing when it's appropriate to share photos/information with extend family and friends etc. I am hesitant to share photos and things with him, because I end up having no idea who they will be shared with - which I feel bad about, but honestly, I don't trust him and he gets so offended when I call him out on it.

They all have their different challenges right? I have no advice really, apart from to empathise.

It's so hard - I both want to have a village around, but also want to cocoon myself away to learn to be a mum on my own terms and with my own unfiltered instincts. I guess what I've tried to focus on is me, my husband and the baby all being on the same page, and being honest with him when I feel something is too much, or where I would like him to set a clear boundary. My mum sadly passed away, and I grew up with just one grandparent, so I want them to be a part of our lives and feel welcome to play whatever part they choose, but figuring out what that looks like right now is a challenge.

Following because I relate! Although in laws were actually much better than I expected (DS is 2).

100% with you! Ah yes the sharing of photos is another concern we have, and being compared with my sister in law who has two children and is a bit of a know it all about everything in life. My sister in law is also abit of a "insta mummy" and is constantly posting every waking moment of her children's lives. Both my partner and I work in industries which expose us to how photos of children can fall into the wrong hands (even if profiles are private) so we are very well informed of the dangers and have made the decision that we will not be posting our baby on social media. I worry immensely about photos being taken without our permission and posted online!

I just wish people were more courteous! I am not perfect by no means but I like to be mindful of following other people's boundaries and don't think they should have to justify them!