@Sara1988 so sorry that you're so anxious. May I ask if you've had previous losses? I think every expectant Mum experiences some of these fears but particularly if you or people close to you have personally experienced loss, or if the pregnancy has been much wanted and TTC has taken a long time etc.
I had a dream pregnancy with my DS and was still anxious because my Sister had experienced several losses before having my niece. I found keeping a journal quite helpful. I just wrote down any anxieties etc, but also 'spoke' to the little bean, talking about all sorts, including what fruit size they should be this week etc. It made it more real and helped me connect with the pregnancy, but putting my fears there also helped me confront them.
Unfortunately I wasn't so lucky with my second pregnancy and I ended up being the wrong side of the recurring miscarriage statistics last year, with 3 losses in the space of 7 months. It was a horribly difficult year but, on top of the grief, I also learnt that I was far stronger than I would have thought. I had some extremely low lows, but also found I could be resilient in ways I hadn't expected of myself. I obviously hoped never to be in that situation but once it actually happened, I did cope. Here I am, still standing.
Aaaand, I'm actually pregnant again and we've made it to a healthy 12wk scan. As you can imagine, my nerves at times during this first trimester have been intense! But, last year taught me that, I would actually cope with whatever gets thrown at me. I'm still nervous now. Pregnancy is nerve-wracking. There aren't guarantees. You have to put a lot of trust in things you have no control over and can't see.
This might not be particularly helpful or comforting but it's not my intention to scare you. My experience of recurrent loss is pretty rare but I wanted to show you that even an extreme worst case scenario is something that can be got through, and there can still be light at the end of the tunnel.
I sincerely hope you never have to experience the pain of loss but know that, if you do, you too will find strength you never imagined you possessed. In the meantime, affirmations, and hope can get you a long way. There is no benefit in fearing the worst. What happens will happen regardless. I came to the point last year where I just wanted to celebrate each little bean for as long as it could be with me. And I found joyful moments in each of those pregnancies. I have also journalled throughout and find it comforting having a record of those times.
Until you are told otherwise (and hopefully that'll never come!), you have a tiny little person growing right now. They are warm and safe and cosy with a Mummy who already loves them so much. Try to enjoy that. And if the worst happens, you can be glad you were their safe space for their time on earth. 💗