Unplanned pregnancy - we don't talk about it at home

[Miselka666]

Hi, I got pregnant. Very much unplanned, out of blue, not wanted. I found out at the time when we talked a divorce at home. Last year I've had a termination which I deeply regret and I said to my husband-if I get pregnant again, I'm keeping it (I don't use any contraception and he said many times he'll do vasectomy but he never did). That time, he agreed, he said he felt it was mistake, too.

Back to now, I found out very early on, so I've got time to think. It was shocking findings, it doesn't sit right with dates we had sex, but nature hey... I told him I'm pregnant, he wasn't particularly happy, said well we never can't make things easy... He told me he will respect my decision, never said hell no or hell yes. I've booked myself for termination, got pills to use at home. Never took them, I couldn't. I told him I can't do it I simply can't after last year and regret I live in till now. He said, I understand. Didn't talk more, said nothing more.

Time went by, I got 12 week scan, sent him message, he went with me. I've seen the baby for the first time, got emotional, felt strange, not in love but strange, like confirming that it is real (somehow I thought that I might find out nature solved it and baby will not be alive). I don't know if he looked to screen or not, I just looked to doctor, she was looking to me, than looked at him and twice repeated you see the baby, here it is, so maybe he even didn't look, I don't know. No words spoken after scan, nothing said.

We don't talk about it at all, I don't know what to think. He told me out of blue about 2 weeks ago we gotta talk.. Before it's too late... I looked at him.. Said yeah sure we can. But he never came to me and actually spoke to me? I've got teenager at home who still have no clue there's another on the way. No one knows. I don't feel like I need everyone to know but it's getting less comfortable finding excuses for not doing some activities which I would normally do or cover my sickness or growing belly etc....

Paradox is at home it is all magically really good again, no arguments, divorce is off the table, we are like 2 love birds and sun is shining. Just this - we don't talk about the fact we expect child? I suppose at one side I think we'll I know I'm bloody pregnant, if we talk, he should come to me and speak, on the other side I could start the conversation but for some reason I'm scared, probably that I'll hear he's not happy..? Don't know... I see changes in his behaviour towards me, for the better, he's kind and nice to me, but he avoids touching me around belly or being intimate.

I don't know what to think. I know I get the answer only if I speak to him. I just needed to ventilate this, I'm thinking about it lately way too much.

I can't give you advice but this sounds such a hard situation to be in. Just offering a handhold and gentle confirmation that yes, this is really weird, and yes, unfortunately the only way to tackle it is to talk to him about it.
You deserve to celebrate this new baby with loved ones, and his feelings - however 'concealed' - are now seriously impacting on all that. It's not the right way to start a life.

Hope it goes well, OP x

Things aren't good in a marriage if you can't talk. You aren't like two love birds, the sun isn't shining... if you're putting off a big conversation like this.

I don't know how old you are but it sounds like it would be a huge mistake to have a baby with him at the moment. Having a baby is stressful for the strongest of relationships so having one when your relationship is so rocky and uncertain sounds like a big mistake.

If you have already decided you are keeping the baby then that a different matter and you and your husband need to start behaving more maturely and responsibly.

It’s entirely up to you whether you keep the baby or not OP, but I think you have to be realistic about the fact you may be raising a child alone.

If you haven’t discussed this, you aren’t like two love birds, you are both in denial.

It would be a really good idea to have a proper talk this weekend. If you chose not to use contraception even after being close to divorce last year, I think you are a bit prone to burying your head in the stand, but really try not to do that right now - it’s vital for your future you know where you stand. I hope it goes well.

I have to say that both you and your husband sound very irresponsible. After a termination last year, you still failed to use effective birth control. He talked about a vasectomy but didn't follow through, yet you continued to have sex without contraception despite a possible divorce.

Now you are having a baby and both refusing to address the issue. Why? Frankly this attitude is not fair on the child (or any other children you have). You need couple's counselling to start understanding how to communicate with each other.

You're coming across as a passive player in this but you're just as responsible as him to ensure you're using contraception or to ensure you're discussing a child you're going to bring into this world.

If your marriage has been in such difficulty it seems odd not to use contraception?

You say he won’t talk to you - clearly you won’t talk to him either. He tried making the first move, saying you need to talk, and then what, you sat around waiting for him to start the conversation? You need to pull up your big girl pants and talk to him.

I am sorry if I sound harsh. I get that right now, you’re scared of rocking the boat because the two of you are getting on. But it isn’t real, it is a fantasy based on a life you’re not really living. You ARE pregnant. You are both parents to this precious baby, and pretending it doesn’t exist is only delaying the pain.

If you don’t talk now, you never will, and chances are you’ll find yourself alone when the baby arrives. If you talk, yes you might find that the marriage is at an end, but you will deal with that and get yourself set up comfortably well before the baby arrives.

Talk to him. Know what you want to get from the conversation (clarity? Commitment to being present parents?)

Good luck.

It seems odd to be talking about divorce and not use any contraception. I know it takes 2 to tango but I think if you’re consciously not using anything then pregnancy is pretty inevitable.

I felt sympathy until you said neither of you use contraception. It all sounds incredibly childish. Communication seems to be at the root of all your problems. Neither of you using contraception and then being shocked at 2 unplanned babies is laughable and irresponsible.

You both need to grow up and you need to sit him down and discuss this baby. If he leaves he leaves but you need to face up to it so you can start preparing for the future.

I don't use contraception because last year's termination was a result of failed IUD contraception and other than non hormonal contraception is out of window for me. Yes, he could and should use condom. Yes we chose to follow my cyclus and it was irresponsible and not thought through. Yes, the fact I went through hell when find out I'm pregnant with being crossed which one is better choice - termination or keeping it, is my problem and my mistake.

Divorce was the topic of last months as he felt we can't make things through, my pregnancy came unexpected as the sex we had that month was 2x, once right after period and once day before supposed period. I've had a very hard time to understand and accept the fact that nature works in its own rules and on the top of it I had to deal with him looking at me like how, that's impossible, we didn't have sex...

However, I won't anymore put everything on my back, that's why I might sound to you as passive player. I didn't get pregnant myself, and I raoked to him about vasectomy pretty much every otnh I got period, as we both agreed I won't be the one using contraception. To go through termination is bloody hell and I can't do it again, as much as he might understand how difficult it is, he will never feel how it is, and he knows it. That's why he doesn't talk against me and doesn't tell me any ultimatums, he knows it is my body, my experience and decision lies with me.

I accepted the facts above, I went through therapy and I accepted the reality. It was hard, last couple years I really thought that's it, one child, close to teenage age, soon I'll be free and will do what I want, enjoy bit of life for myself, my parental responsibilities are lighter and I will take care of my well being (please, do not take this literally, I hoep you know what I mean).. But it is what it is.

I dont feel excited having 2nd child, but when I think about my 1st child in 40 years when I'll be old, there will be no one else who will be around (around me as old and arohnd my child for support), with sibling (I know life can happen and they won't talk) shared pain will be half pain, and I can leave the world with knowing my child has a buddy and they are never going to be alone. It is idealized, but I'm single child and I see now as adult that it sucks. I don't want to fixate my child on me and than what, once I'm gone, there's whole world to explore and no one to support. Yes there can be friends, new family. But might not be, like in my case. And then you're lonely wolf dealing with all stuff life brings on your own.

As I said in original post, I need/ed to ventilate my thoughts, I could write it down to diary, well, I chose this app. I thought maybe someone had experience with husband who needed time to process things and can share..