Panic before arrival of 2nd. Hand hold

[Sarahballin]

Hey guys,
im due my 2nd baby very soon. I have struggled with intense feelings of guilt this whole pregnancy for my toddler who is just over 2. As time is approaching I am taking what feels like might be panic attacks at the thought of leaving my son for the hospital (have not been away from him and co-sleep) , and at the thought of leaving him at home and it never being just us again. It literally takes my breath away.

is this normal anxiety as things are going to change so drastically? Any tips to help my son? my partner hasn’t started putting my son down to sleep every other night which is working just so when I’m gone it’s not too hard on him and he accepts this, he does ask where I am but accepts if my partner says I’m in the shower / gone to the shop etc .

have tried to prepare my son the best I can but he’s still so small that he of course doesn’t understand. I actually feel evil for doing this to him which I know isn’t logical 🥺🥺🥺

(I have spoken to my midwife and doctor regarding these feelings and they just say I am giving him the best gift, the depth of my feelings/despair at the thought of my second arrival doesn’t seem to be understood )

I felt exactly the same! My DD is one year old now and those feelings dispersed a long time ago.

I do accept any (rare) offers of childcare for the baby now, so I can do a soft play date/park trip/cuddly movie in the sofa with DS wherever possible to make sure we still get some time where I can give him 1-1 attention.

I completely understand where you are coming from, it just seems so impossible. But please dont stress, your heart is amazingly stretchy, it just grows to fit the new baby just like your belly has. You have got this.

You are giving him the gift of a sibling - you aren’t taking anything away.

He may be little, but he still has so much of you and it’s surprising how many directions you can be pulled into.

Plus you are now an expericned mother and can handle a second baby easier than the first newborn stage!!

Youve totally go this.

Just be positive and excited about the baby and your toddler will pick it up that it’s a positive thing.

Have trust in the fact that once the baby arrived you'll feel different. Yes it will be a change for your son but life is about adapting to changes and he will adapt, he will be happy. My two eldest are 24 months apart and while they argue they also love each other and I'm so happy they have eachother !

You're giving your toddler his/her first best friend. Honestly you'll all find your "new way"

I think it's normal. I felt the same way. It's just hard to imagine another little person fitting in. Mine is 21 now. It didn't scar him for life!

I think these feelings are very common but that their intensity is unusual in your case.

Is there someone you can talk to about it? Tell your doctor and midwife again and tell them what you've said here.

I've just had my second and totally remember feeling very similar. But honesty it's all been fine and my eldest (who's 2) absolutely loves her baby brother. I'd also never left her overnight before and she wasn't used to other people putting her to bed and she coped so well and just got on with it. I think sometimes we worry about things which (thankfully) turn out to be a non-issue and then we wonder why we worried (I've done it with so many things and then surprisingly she's just taken it all in her stride).

Once they're born all these feelings and worries you have just seem to disappear. I sometimes get moments of feeling like I miss my eldest and it not just being us and her anymore but it's fleeting and even though the baby is only 3 weeks old it's almost like he's always been here and I can't really remember what it was like without him now.

I've also found the adjustment to 2 a breeze in comparison to first time around which has helped. Good luck!

Oh and the only thing we did to help prepare was talking about what she can do once he was here like sing him songs, read stories together, give him cuddles etc so she knew what to expect. We bought a peppa pig book about a new baby too. That helped because it kind of explains that they don't do much when they're tiny so again helped her to understand what to expect and that he's not going to be playing with her and chasing her around straight away. But we didn't make a huge thing about this just kept casually bringing it up when she mentioned baby.

Since he's been born we've tried to keep things quite normal for her so still been taking her out to different places we would normally go as much as we can so she doesn't feel like too much has changed (this has been easier with husband at home for several weeks though!)

Awww don't worry all will be fine we had twins when toddler was 1 and all 3 are best friends and so funny together now being 2 and 3

I remember those feelings. I remember phoning my mother in a panic saying I just didn’t think I’d love dc2 as much as dc1 and I’d have to pretend for ever. Wise old lady that she was she told me that babies bring the love with them, and that all the love I felt for dc1 all of us would feel for dc2. It’s going to be fine. Your family is getting such an amazing gift.

God OP you made me time travel 14 years with your post.

I remember I felt like I was betraying my oldest. I cried so much. It was so horrid. She seemed so young and vunerable.

When I came home with the new baby she seemed HUGE and scary beside the newborn suddenly!

You will muddle through, just like we all did. Don't chastise yourself. But do remind yourself that you are not the first and most certainly will not be the last!

Good luck with the birth and enjoy your lovely children.

Thank you all so much for your responses! It’s very reassuring to know I’m not alone in these feelings however I’m not oblivious to the fact that they may be on the abnormal side in terms of severity. As time is fast approaching I feel like the walls are caving in and like I’m drowning so have spoken to my midwife again and I’m now speaking to someone regarding it.

i just pray once I meet her the intensity may be lifted, however I’m so afraid I’ll actually feel the opposite and will struggle to bond.

thanks so much again ❤️