Maternity leave anticipation...feeling down

[user357911]

I know this will sound absurd. I am 25 weeks and love my job. I also am aware that - although my manager is so encouraging -there is a lot I haven't stepped up into in my role and I dont feel its the end of the road for me at the company. My boss has in fact set me some new targets and suggested courses, but now I'm pregnant and have had HG, it has had to wait.

last week my boss told me that someone else in the team - who i think is great and really rate - will take my job while im on leave. and I feel really gutted. I hate the idea of coming back to work and people wishing I hadn't returned. and I hate the idea that they will probably see how great this person is and realise I'm not that good at my job!

anyone else feel like this? I just feel quite down about it and struggling to sleep! I also worry that - as the breadwinner - i will need to make sure i am employable after the baby and as i havent hit the targets i had hoped to when stepping up into this new position, i will have to take a step down and accept a lower level and paying job. I know this sounds probably a bit stupid when im pregnant and more important things are on the horizon, but i feel very displaced already !

Understandable emotions.

You won't care once baby arrives though

@Outliers What do you mean? The job clearly matters to the OP very much.
Personally speaking I didn't enjoy my mat leave and was very happy to return to my career after a year at home. Some of that was to do with it being 2020 (Covid) but I'm not one for socialising with other mums or going to baby "classes" etc.

I mean exactly what I said.

What do you mean by ‘a lot I haven’t stepped up to in my role?

OP, 1000 percent relate.

I am currently three days into maternity leave with my second.

I struggled on maternity leave with my first, I found it quite lonely and isolating. My job is a huge part of my identity and it felt very strange putting that part of me on hold for a period of time - and here I am doing it again!

This time I am taking slightly less leave, as I realise I am a better happier mum when working. The balance between work and home is brilliant and I love it.

My advice would be do what works for you and ignore everyone else! What works for one person may not work for another, but you are not alone in how you feel. A lot of my friends look at me as if I am mad when I say I am missing work etc so it's great for me to see I am not alone too! X

if your role is ‘substantive’ and not something like a temporary promotion then your employer should offer you something equivalent.

Would seek to build your work confidence as much as you can: motherhood will likely be bad for that!

@Outliers And why would that be?

I 100% relate and still do now that I am back! It's really tough and all I can say is that you aren't alone as I have spoken to a lot of woman about it and many have had similar feelings.

I presume you've not achieved due to pregnancy related sickness/illness right? So it's discrimination if they use that performance as a reason to demote you. I suggest you strongly consider returning in the timeframe that means you get your old job back and not just an equivalent one. And if you do go back after a year I'm pretty sure it's illegal not to give you your job back even if your mat cover has done a great job. Look at website pregnant then screwed.

thank you everyone.
i had a maternity leave previously and also struggled to connect with other mums and knowing i was going back to work i wanted to almost rush back and know i "could" do it.

This is now a new role, and was a big step up for me. There are areas i definitely do need to build on my confidence: namely speaking up in meetings and also upskilling on more business/management side as that is new to me in this role. Due to the business being busy etc I have not had the chance to do these courses, have been bogged down in the day to day and not had the chance to focus on my development and I suddenly feel a bit like ive wasted the opportunity.

also knowing i will be returning with a request for more flexibility working from home more etc, i feel on the backfoot even more knowing that they could just stick with the maternity cover (a male, no children, present in the office and probably better than me!)

how to build confidence on maternity leave ! I felt like I lost my entire personality through exhaustion and so much time alone but - my child had very bad acid reflux and couldnt go out in the car or buggy - i was too scared to see anyone because all my child did was scream until old enough for omeprazole and prescription milk! my job is also a huge part of my life (the majority of the week of course :) ) so I felt very lost and constantly wondered what next.

@user357911 I totally understand how you feel. For me I didn't really see the point of making other mum friends when I knew I'd be returning to work so I was never going to be a part of their "SAHM circle".
And my personal circumstance is different from most mums of very young children in that I also have two teenage sons (14 and 16) so this distanced me even further from that group if that makes sense?

Totally empathise. I found my first round of maternity leave tough because I’d just got to a place where my career was escalating and I didn’t want to miss out on opportunities. This time I’m doing Shared parental leave so that I’m not off for so long and I feel really positive about the decision.

my advice would be:

• you seem to have a good awareness of your development areas. Try and challenge yourself to work on them while you’re still in work where they aren’t too strenuous (I.e the speaking up in meetings thing rather than going for any sort of professional certifications or training programmes).
• speak to your manager about your concerns. This doesn’t have to come across as vulnerable, but I’ve been really clear with mine and said “this role means a lot to me and I want to make sure that I use the time I have between now and my maternity leave to greatest effect so that I’m in a great position when I come back.” Then I’ve worked with him to understand immediate priorities.
• consider scheduling in KIT days through the leave period. Mention your intent to do this to your maternity cover and your line manager if possible. Then they can help you to understand the highest impact days to arrange them for. I know I’ll have some vacancies opening in my team whilst I’m on leave and I’ve said I want to schedule KIT days so that I can run the interviews.
• there’s nothing to stop you keeping your work brain engaged through mat leave. I read a few books and followed market movements on LinkedIn whilst breastfeeding 🤣 it’s not everyone’s cup of tea but for me that was the best way to spend my time and not feel like I was slipping.
• have you considered shared leave?

I hope that helps? I know how unhelpful some people can be when you air this sort of concern because different people have different priorities… but when you’re the main earner and you genuinely enjoy your job it is totally natural.

Hello, sorry to hijack! But I am also doing SPL - how are you and your partner splitting it, if you don't mind me asking?

Totally get it. Maybe not directly the same but I had two babies with this employer and each time I went off - I came back to a different role and my replacement stayed on.

I was happy to take a new role and each time technically the role was new responsibilities which led to a promotion but it really felt that my replacement was always trying to show he could do my role better.

And actually he was however I used to have to take a moment and realise that management trusted me to come back and learn something new and take on new stuff.

I am now also the replacements boss now too so that helps!

Of course!

month 1 we are both off
months 2-4 I’m off
months 5-9 he’s off
then we are going to see whether either of us wants to extend beyond the ‘paid’ bit. I only took 9 months first time round and it was an ok time to go back but we might feel different this time around.

both of our HRs struggled a bit with the request (and I work for a huge company so I was kind of shocked, I didn’t register how out of the ordinary SPL still was).

@glasspaw - same here! We are splitting 50:50 but like you it took a while for HR to get their heads around! Have you faced annoying comments from others? I have re how could I want to share my leave etc and not take the full year, it is really grinding me down!

@Janedoelondon Hubby and I soooooo would have taken SPL had it been financially viable for us. He'd make a much better SAHD than I would a SAHM, too!

Also came to suggest shared parental leave, me and my husband did this and it worked really well for us. Means our son is now just as bonded to dad as he is to me and I haven't ended up being the 'default' parent!

@SouthwestSis This amazing! We'd have done the same had it been financially viable ❤️

The only thing that’s annoyed me a bit is when people say that it’s “so good of my husband to agree to it” 😆 it’s his baby too. The days of women being the ones to take the career hit to have children is over.

generally though people have been really supportive.

I agree that SPL might work for you or having a shorter maternity leave so you can get your exact job back or at least at the same level.

I went back at 3 months to continue with my career progression.