dreading sharing pregnancy news

[Marzipan23]

hello, bit of a rambly post!

I'm 12 weeks pregnant and going for my scan tomorrow, after this i'll start sharing the news with work and friends and family, at the moment only close family and a couple of close friends know.

I know its a really exciting time, i'm so lucky to be pregnant and we've wanted a baby for a long time, i'm finding it unexpectedly tough on my mental health and even though a small handful of people know I already just feel like a vessel.
I know everyone will be excited and i'm looking forward to sharing the news but i'm already struggling with the non stop questions, unsolicited advice, being told horror stories (why do people do this?!) and I just feel like i'm losing my identity to this pregnancy, I do just feel like a vessel at the point and i'm dreading that being on a wider scale.

I have been fairly unwell the whole pregnancy, nothing huge, lots of sick and tired, nothing I cant cope with but I havent felt well for weeks, I think this may also not help as I dont really feel like me.

I am aware I am so lucky to have people that are interested and care about me, thats not something i'm taking for granted.

did anyone else feel like this? how did you manage it?

You don't need to tell more people than you are comfortable with. Check when you have to tell work- at that point you can still ask that the news is only shared on a need to know basis ie poss just line manager at this stage.

Friends and family - if you think they won't respond helpfully, don't tell them. If you think they can't keep the news to themselves, don't tell them

Congratulations on your pregnancy!

The first trimester is tough for so many reasons - you could wait 4 more weeks and then tell people. By then you might be sleeping better, feeling less sick etc so you'll be better at shrugging off unwanted comments

When you go for scan, and they start checking, hands, feet, brain and all their measurements, all you're gonna care about is how healthy the fetus is.

Everything else will be secondary. By that I mean, you won't care what people say /think. And this intensifies as time goes on.

As PP mentioned no one actually needs to know barring essentials. Even work don't need to be told until 25weeks usually (depending on organisational policies).

just tell people later…

our siblings and parents (&my work) were the only people I told until 20weeks… which isn’t uncommon.

at that point you’ve had all the major baby checks and in 2nd trimester so everything is less 💩

you also really quickly learn to give zero fucks…I have had tonnes of judgement and probably dished some out too 🥴 You just do what’s right for you and say “that’s nice” or “hmmmm really?” To the rest

You don't need to tell anyone who doesn't need to know.

I felt like this with my first pregnancy. For my second pregnancy, I told our parents, my siblings, one close friend and my boss. Once she was born and home from hospital, we told everyone else.

My second pregnancy experience was amazing, I wouldn't do anything differently.

Maybe wait until you are feeling better in the second trimester before telling people.

I am not sure why people share horror stories but just remember every pregnancy and delivery is different.

Congratulations on your pregnancy and hope you feel better soon.

The first three months are difficult while your body adjusts to pregnancy. I get the feeling like a vessel. Everyone is usually very excited by the baby and forgets the things you have to put up with. Once you have your baby you will forget all about the tiredness, sickness and general uncomfortable feelings though.

Have a chat with your midwife about antenatal depression, it's pretty common but nobody wants to admit it. It's can be such a weird time OP, if you feel like pressure to be a delighted and glowing mother earth and you feel anything but, take it easy.

I think I know what you mean about feeling like a ‘vessel’, as though your health and well-being is now just about carrying the baby, rather than you? I remember aeons ago when I was pregnant, it just felt like each baby was another part of me. It was difficult for me to separate the two of us, so seemed odd when everyone was focussed on this particular part of me, like an arm or leg! I probably haven’t explained it very well, but I think I understand! I think the way you feel about a baby when you’re carrying it is very different to the way an outside observer perceives things. They’re already picturing your child as a separate being, which they are, of course, but didn’t feel like it to me, anyway, before I gave birth.

Just ignore it and tell them you’re not interested. It’s so outdated. And you don’t have to tell people. I told some friends and family early then 12 weeks anyway. 12 week scan isn’t a magic wand where everything is fine.

If you’re worried, tell people later.

I only told people when I was around 20 weeks as I had a little bump by then. I couldn’t be doing with any fussing around me.

Just to give you a different perspective, when I fell pregnant I was in a new city in a new country that we had moved to for my partner’s work. I had no one to discuss my pregnancy with in real life, nobody tried to touch my belly, no one made any pregnancy small talk with me whatsoever, welcome or otherwise. I kind of missed it tbh.

I refused to listen to horror stories. I kept saying "I don't want to hear this".

@Marzipan23

you don’t have to tell work until much later. Both times I didn’t until past 20 weeks.

Partly as both times I wanted to be sure of my legal position first, but also to reduce the amount of time spent fielding questions about it - I had another 8-10 weeks of work being a refuge from that.

people give unsolicited advice as they want to be helpful. They forget though that not everyone has the same experience or wishes.

So one persons get them on the bottle and into a strict regime asap is another’s get a sling and feed whenever. people make the mistake that because it worked for them it’ll work for every mum and baby to come.

they slide into horror stories as A LOT of people have unprocessed trauma around at least some parts of pregnancy birth and the new born phases.

people will definitely tell you one bit is better than another, just because it was for them. That’s not a predictor though!

the systems ain’t great tbh. And you’re navigating them blind.

pretty much everyone new mum has a ‘what I wished I’d known and would do differently if I had’ list in their head.

but again it’s not relevant for everyone.

Practise Your deflecting phrases to close down stuff you don’t want to hear or talk about.

now is a GREAT time to strengthen your boundaries and stop people pleasing- you only need more of that once the baby is here.

its worth finding someone that you trust and do feel has your best interests at heart to be a supportive sounding board.

good luck

Yes this is exactly what it is! And I feel like everything else about me is completely irrelevant at the moment, its obviously a huge, massive exciting thing and I am really excited and i'm obviously glad people are invested but i'm just finding it so difficult that its the only conversation people want to have with me (or lets be honest more often than not talk at me!)
I know I can tell people lets change the subject and can we talk about something else, I just feel pretty dehumanised and i'm finding it really overwhelming, I just wanted to know I wasn't alone in feeling like that.