Adoption process

[hopeandfaith11]

Hi everyone.

I’m still very early in my pregnancy but I have decided to opt for adoption.

I need some advice as I don’t know how to even start this process. My booking appointment isn’t for another 2 weeks, and at this appointment I’ll be 10 weeks along.

Is it at this appointment I tell the practitioner about this?

Do I refer myself somewhere?

Do I get an input as to who the parents will be?

And also does this have any impact on your other children? I have 2 children and I don’t want social services coming round because of this.

I really don’t know anything about this whole thing.

I’ve been under a lot of stress, feeling overwhelmed and not supported at all by the father of the child, so for me and especially the baby this would be the best thing to do.

I'd also like to know if there are other people on here that have gone through the same thing to talk to.

Are you in the UK? If so, you can either share your plan with your midwife or you can self-refer to your local Children's Services. In the UK adoption isn't managed by private agencies like un the US, it is organised by your local authority. Typically they will complete an assessment jointly between a Children's social worker and adoption social worker however this may vary from area to area. They will want to speak with baby's dad if at all possible. They will explore any potential placements within the family as well as talking about adopters outside of the family. You will be able to share views about what you want for baby in terms of religion, culture etc but won't necessarily be able to choose between person a and person b.

There is a poster on the adoption board who has been through this so you may get some good advice there.

I'm an adopter and we were told that we were chosen for our DS because his birth mother had requested a non religious couple with a stay at home mum. So I believe your views will be taken into account.

I hope you get the support you need

@KnickerlessFlannel Thank you. I am in the UK. Why do they need to speak with the baby's father?

Because they will prioritize placing the baby with family. If the father paternal extended family or your extended family want to take on the child, that will be explored before looking into adoption outside of the family.

Presumably unless he would for some reason be a risk to the child then he / his family should be given the opportunity to take 100% parental responsibility of his child, before they are adopted outside of the family?

I don't want to sway your decision at all but a friend of mine was adopted and later learned that he had older full siblings that had stayed with his birth parents. He found it very, very difficult to come to terms with.

Because they will want to understand if he agrees with the adoption.

Assuming you are not married and he's not put on the birth certificate, he won't have parental rights automatically, but he could go to court to acquire them. Either way, if the father is known and contactable, the adoption agencies will always try to involve him as a matter of best practise, and to try to avoid more legal complications should he become aware later in the process.

Can I request the baby not be placed with either side of the extended family?

I have my reasons for this which are religious.

I'm not trying to push you in any direction at all, but is there a reason you are choosing adoption over termination at only 8 weeks along?

Particularly as you wouldn't want the baby to be placed with any of their family at all.

@Theredfoxfliesatmidnight I did consider it but I can't do it. I do follow a faith and although I am not perfect I just wouldn't be able to do that.

Social services will be involved. They need to do an assessment on all aspects of you and your situationsto allow them to place the child.

If you are so early on and don't want the baby, would it not be easier to terminate rather go through the risks involved in carrying a baby to term and delivering it, the trauma to your existing children of the baby disappearing and them always knowing they have a sibling out there somewhere, the trauma to the baby you are carrying of being separated from their birth mother and all that entails for the rest of their life?

The baby’s rights will come first so I wouldn’t assume you can insist they’re not adopted within your family or the father’s family.
I would consider abortion at this early stage as it may be best for you and your children.

I don't think this is possible. The LA will always try and place a baby with family if it's safe to do so. You can choose to not raise this child but it has another biological parent, and his family, that could decide they want to instead.

This sounds like it will be confusing and traumatic for your existing children OP, how will you explain it?

This.
Sounds like a huge amount of trauma will be inflicted on a number of people, just for religious beliefs? Can you speak to a counsellor?

Hi op I hope you are doing okay.
I have dealt with similar situations a few times.
PP are right. A social worker will get involved and will assess your situation and reasons for choosing adoption. They may offer and explain other avenues and available support depending on what they assess.
Even if the father is not involved he will be approached and asked to care for the baby if you can't. That will happen even if you tell them you don't want him to. If he decides he also doesn't want to care for the baby his family and your family will be explored. The consensus is that a child is always best with their natural family if it is safe and appropriate. If you have good reasons and evidence that it is not safe you can share them during the assessment.
If it is recommended that no one in the family are able to care for the baby then adoption will be explored. You can share preferences about who may eventually adopt the baby but ultimately it will be who is assessed as most appropriate based on the baby and adopters needs. Your baby may not be placed with who you would like.
Any social worker will want to include your existing child in the assessment. They may not speak to them directly but they will want to talk to you about how you plan to navigate this with them and take care of their wellbeing.
Despite what may or may not happen I would advise you to contact children's services and reach out for support. They are there to support you and I do think that you would benefit from that given the complexity of your situation.

Good luck