Hi all,
Ugh. Where to start!! I have struggled with crippling anxiety since I was 15 after a traumatic event. My anxiety has been pretty heavily focused on health anxiety, but has sort of grown and evolved as I have aged. I am 30 now, and have just found out I am pregnant.
In 2020 I had a miscarriage and ended up in A&E, during which time my heart rate and blood pressure were through the roof - HR was 148... since then I have developed a really severe phobia of medical environments, medical testing or diagnosis and completely avoid them. Obviously with pregnancy, this is no longer feasible. When I was in A&E with the really fast heart rate, the nurses kept commenting about my HR being abnormal and potentially needing the cardiologist to come and see me. I had a 24hr ecg not long before the A&E trip, because I was getting a lot of palpitations, which the cardiologist marked as unremarkable and sent me on my way. The concern the nurses showed and the repetition of taking my obs, seeing that they haven't come down really sent me over the edge and I just could not calm down. I was completely besides myself picturing my heart stopping any moment and a crash team running in, trying desperately to save my life whilst my husband looked on. Eventually they discharged me and once I was home I calmed down. I have been taking sertraline since around 2015, and also started taking propranolol in 2022, I am prescribed 40mg 3 x a day but usually only take 40mg once a day.
I suffer constantly with a racing heartbeat and shortness of breath mostly. But I catastrophize constantly, and think of/imagine myself dying or having some kind of medical emergency I would say probably at least once an hour, every single day. Despite taking 150mg sertraline and 40mg propranolol a day.
I am so glad to be pregnant, I am a little bit nervous due to previous miscarriage and difficulty getting pregnant again, but I wouldn't say I am anxious about this pregnancy ending in miscarriage again. I am a firm believer in what will be, will be. That said I also think that maybe part of me feels "unbothered" if the worst happens, because at least I won't have to go through pregnancy, hospital and dr visits, and then eventually labour. Which feels absolutely awful to say.
I have looked into seeing a clinical psychologist and have had tonnes of talking therapy, CBT, psychotherapy, hypnotherapy and have found little to no relief. I am so convinced that I have a heart condition or something wrong with me and I am just a ticking time bomb, waiting to die.
I would really like to hear any suggestions anyone may have to help me navigate pregnancy/hospital and dr appointments. But also would love to connect with anyone who has been through, or is going through anything similar. This is such a lonely place.