Not about the actual pregnancy but need advice on SIL hen night

[PollyRosex]

Hey so my soon to be sister in laws hen night is 10 days after my due date. I'm going to be a bridesmaid for her and the moh as put all of us in a group together organising the hen, I wasn't pregnant when this got planned originally.

They have split all costs of the hen between us I did pay £10 when the first payment was due , but now its remaining of £140 all together so now I don't know what to do as its a big fat chance I won't be there, is it fair I explain and offer to pay half of the £140 instead and let the others split the cost between them? It would mean an extra £14 on top.

Is it all booked? If anyone is going to be left out of pocket, you need to pay the whole amount that you agreed to.

I assume sil knows about your due date? Unless they are clueless about babies they must surely know it will be more or less impossible to be there! Even if baby is weeks early you can't leave a few weeks old baby really plus the chances of you being late are not low. Has this not come up before?

Ask sil what you should do to start the conversation then correct any stupid assumptions she makes if she starts talking about babysitters or whatever.

You can’t leave anyone else out of pocket

You need to pay any of the non-refundable costs not pass it onto others I’m afraid.

There is no way I would have left my 10 day old baby to go on a hen night. I'd tell them now that you aren't going.

Or just pay the money and either find someone else to take your place or accept you'll lose it. It's not fair for everyone else to pay for your place that you may or may not take.

Well you’re very unlikely to be able to go, but if you’ve already agreed to pay then you can’t really back out. Just pay and then let them know you can’t come.

Is there anyone who could take your spot?

I guess they know you won't be going? Is there a way the organiser could cancel your place altogether? If not I don't think it's very fair that everyone else has to pay extra.

I mean I am willing to pay half of it rather than leaving it all together? It's an extra £14 roughly on top for the others. We're as it would be £28?

My SIL hasn't mentioned anything yet.

You’re definitely not going to be there so best to let everyone know ASAP, as soon as you’re ok to announce the pregnancy.

As for costs, you need to pay all of the expenses for your share that can’t be changed eg accommodation that is already booked. If the £140 also covers stuff that can be amended e.g. a proposed activity where you pay per head on the day or money for a kitty for food and drinks then it seems reasonable enough that you not pay for that. But absolutely not ok to expect others to pay more because you’re pregnant- the offer to pay half would be taking the piss so don’t do that!

No. You need to pay everything you have committed to. It's not the other peoples problem you are pulling out.

When is it and has anything been booked? Just send them a message now making it clear you won’t be able to go, ask how much has been booked and you’ll happily stump up costs for that and then maybe ask if they can find anyone to replace you? I wouldn’t leave it ‘open’ as you won’t be able to go so give them options that make it clear you’re not going.

Anything other than paying the £140 is BU. You obviously have a good reason not to go. But you are not doing anyone a favour by offering to pay half so they ‘only’ have to split the rest of your half between them. No one else is responsible for your costs for pulling out

So there getting a party bus which the capacity is 16, we're all going half's on that then she's having a surprise party afterwards in a club. All the money is for decorations, dj etc.

If there is any chance at all I would be going it would just have to be the club only.

If you agreed to go on the hen do then bailed that's on you I'm afraid. Imagine if you had bought a ticket to Glastonbury instead. Would you expect them to refund you?
Sorry, but you really need to pay up and soon. I'd imagine it's one person who's taken on the responsibility (and risk) of paying up front. If you refuse to pay what you owe theres a good chance the other hens and particularly the person organising it will fall out with you. This wont be good for the bride.
Is there any scope for selling your spot to someone else?

What do you mean you're willing to pay half of it?! You pay all of it. You dont saddle others with a debt of £140, £240 or anything

Unless they can find someone else to take your place I think you should pay your share of everything that has already been paid for or cannot by changed so your share of the party bus, if it's not too late to contact the cater and drinks provider and reduce the numbers by one person you need to pay that too. It's not unreasonable to drop out of anything that's not been paid for yet like decorations, party game stuff etc.

I would have backed out of the hen and being a bridesmaid once I knew I was pregnant. I'd also put the £140 towards her hen as gift of it was needed to make it happen. Though appreciate if money is tight and you're having a baby that may be an issue

You need to pay your entire share of anything that is non-refundable. Things like decorations are different unless they have already been purchased.

How long ago was it booked?

When were the costs committed to (and how did that compare with when you found out you were pregnant?)

Decorations - if you're not chipping in they just have to buy cheaper/ less.
Have they booked the Dj already?

£140 is a good chunk of money to spend doing something for one night without extras being thrown on because someone can't go anymore. You can't expect other people to pay any amount towards your place. It's not their fault you're not going.

If you committed to it and everything is booked then you pay everything you're owed, not 50% unless any parts can be refunded. Unfortunate for you but it isn't anyone else's problem that your position has changed.

Were you already pg when the date was booked? If not, then the lost cost is 100% on you because no one else could have predicted you couldn't go. If you were already pg and the date was selected in the knowledge that your due date was then, it's ok to expect to be let off the cost because no one in their right mind would expect you to be going.

When is the hen and how pregnant are you? Timelines and amount of notice are important here, and as other have said what has been financially committed to and what hasn't. So pay share of bus - yes; share of food and drink - no (unless it's happening next week and is all booked and you've all been ostriches about the situation)
Actually work out a fair amount to pay and speak to the MOH to clarify everything (not by text).