Expectations of OH

[Blahblahblah777]

Name changed for this one.

What, if anything, are you expectations of your OH during their paternity leave?

Washing? Cooking? Watching Baby while you shower? Looking after toddler? Making you a Cup of Tea? Offering to do things?

Emotional support - what do you expect OH to not say or what to say?

Baby was born this week and not sure if I’m expecting too much.

I would expect all of the above. Congratulations on new arrival!

Surely that depends on your needs? If you had a caeserian, you'll be needing a lot of support. It's really hard to tell from your post but I'm erring on the side of being reasonable, are you just expecting to be treated like a princess and have your feet up, or is he literally sat playing xbox while you are doing all the day and night shifts whilst also cooking, cleaning and recovering? More info needed to make a reasonable assessment but what I would say is, it's team work, I don't like the term expecting in the sense of what he should and shouldn't be doing, it sounds demanding, but honestly if you feel like you are needing more from him than you are getting, then it's a conversation between you. He may be feeling overwhelmed himself, just have a chat about what is going on.

I was breastfeeding (and in the first weeks recovering physically from the birth) and so expected my dh to pretty much do most things because he was off work and getting full nights of sleep!

I expected DH to be psychic and/ or behave like my Mum, I think. It was a difficult birth and I now know that he was deeply traumatised by it all, didn't talk to anyone about it or have any avenue to process it all. I, on the other hand, managed to get a bit of sleep, had the entire world asking if I was ok, my antenatal group for support.

I remember being pissed off that he wasn't bringing food I didn't ask for, cleaning things he didn't know were dirty, magically making everything ok without know what was wrong. You get the idea. It descended into a horrible first two weeks.

Anyway, what's going on for you, OP? What do you need that you are not getting and how are you going to get it?

I expect teamwork. That means if my needs are greater I'd expect him to be cooking, cleaning, feeding the baby, letting me have time to myself to shower, nap etc whatever is needed at the time IF that's what I needed. I had a C-section the first time round so my needs were greater.

This time I'm hoping to have a vaginal birth so as long as recovery is a lot easier I'm expecting walks together, helping out if I'm sore or uncomfortable but just generally doing easy going couple activities and bonding separately and together with the new baby. If I feel fine to cook and clean I'll do so, equally he pulls more than his weight with that kind of thing normally anyway so if he carries on so be it.

I think the bottom line is that I expect communication about what each other needs and (hopefully) just to have a nice relaxing 2 weeks off as a family.

Those would be my expectations every week, not just whist on paternity leave.

I think just the offer of a cup of tea, breakfast, changing baby/toddler, being able to spend 10 mins in the shower would be nice.

Or understanding that I’m tired, in pain or just need to rest without asking why (baby is 5 days old) Or tidying up is not my most top priority.

And not making comments about don’t do that as baby will learn bad habits etx

Yeah, an offer would be nice, but if you want or need something, ask. If he asks why, tell him straight, without sarcasm or passive aggressiveness (I'm not accusing you of this, and possibly projecting).

"This is day five and it's all starting to catch up with me."

"I'm still very sore."

"I'm struggling, can you help me?"

Oh, and I'm afraid his worry about getting a newborn into bad habits made me laugh, but that's not very helpful. Just give a factual reply: don't worry, you can't spoil a baby.

I'm sorry this is getting you down, OP, the first two weeks are alway a bit insane.

What is he actually doing other than giving unwarranted advice?? Being completely honest, he sounds useless.
Of course he should make you tea, look after other DC, do meals, watch baby while you shower etc

Never a thing when I had mine. My husband had a week and then he was 30,000 feet over the Atlantic.

To be fair he’s always been a tad OCD so doesn’t take much for him to punish the vacuum or clear the dishes away before you’ve put your knife and fork down. And kids using the banister rail as impromptu coat rack or crimping on the sofa after school was definitely a red card offence.