I don’t know what to do…

[G1994]

So me and my partner have gotten together sort of deciding we would never have kids. There is abit of an age gap between us, he already has three kids and I’ve never had a maternal bone in my body. The thought of ever having kids used to horrify me.

I found out I was pregnant about two years ago and got an abortion because it was not something either of us wanted. (Failed contraception).

Fast forward to present day… we have been together for nearly five years and I have just found out I’m pregnant again. Although this time, it is a like a flip has switched in me and I’m not scared of having a baby, I actually want to have this one and the thought of school plays and homework excites me. Of course I was scared to tell him so it took me a couple of days to get round to it. I told him and he seemed supportive, we spoke quite abit about it this day. But then the next day, he took a complete 180 and is now set on the idea that he doesn’t want the baby. This was a couple of days ago and he hasn’t mentioned it since.

This is the best relationship I’ve ever been in and I love this man so, so much but now I’m in a predicament cause I feel like I really want this baby and if he wasn’t against it, I’d be so so excited right now instead of worried.

I have tried to work out if I could cope being a single mother. I have my own home with a mortgage and have looked into what help I could get.. If I worked it out correctly after all bills and childcare, I would be left with about £700 a month. Is that enough to bring a child up on?

I’m quite independent financially and have my own home, car and everything which I look after however it is my mental health that I struggle with. I’m very emotionally dependent and I don’t know if that is good thing for a mum to be?

He has not said the words he will leave me if I keep the baby but I’m not going to force him to stay. We never planned for this so if it is going to make him unhappy then he can leave.

I’m just really scared at the thought of being a single parent, on a single income with a job as hard as mine running a whole home all on top of suffering with my mental health.

I’m 30 so I don’t know if I will have the time to find someone new and start a family again in the future. This could be my last chance for all I know.

Am I being stupid thinking I can do this on my own? I know it’s only me that can make this decision but I just need all of the help I can get. I’ve not told any friends or family yet so relying so much on the support from here.

Yes I’d go for it. Congratulations x

From the experience I’ve seen in my family, you will regret for the rest of your life if you do not keep it. It completely wrecked my sister.

Congratulations OP. 🙂

I'm a single mum and was in roughly the same situation. Financially, I haven't had a problem, and I've loved every minute.

Assuming you have a healthy baby as I did, there are logistics to be worked out, a little (very little) family help is useful occasionally, and you'll get very good at planning things in advance but nothing you can't handle.

Good luck.

Hopefully it's not necessary, I suspect it's been a big sick to him and he'll come round, BUT you're being very wise considering how you would do this alone if it comes to it. I'd say from a financial point of view you're well set. And don't forget you should also get some kind of child maintenance payment from Dad (depending on his income) in addition to your income and any government support.

Only you can judge the state of your mental health and if you're able to cope from that point of view. Would there be any family support at all from either side? You'll definitely make some mum friends to support you along the way.

Hope it all works out for you

Congratulations!
It sounds like you would be in a good position financially. If you were to terminate the pregnancy despite actually wanting to continue with it, there’s a good chance it would tear your relationship apart anyway. I would go for it and let your OH decide whether to stay or go.

One thing though. My ex decided to check out of our relationship after ds was born, and I wanted to tell him to keep his rotten money - he'd implied I was a gold digger - but in the end I didn't because it isn't my money, it's ds'.

Every penny has gone on ds, I do all the care and pay half of costs. Don't feel awkward about that. Your partner is the dad, and he needs to help support his child. Contraception failed for both of you.

Honestly, while you don’t have to decide immediately….you will become more attached to the baby the longer you remain pregnant. Are you close to other family members? While being a single mum is going to be difficult, it has its advantages too. I imagine if you go ahead and continue with the pregnancy, DP will potentially want some access, so you get some time out. If not, you make all the decisions and don’t have anyone’s opinion or input to contend with….

Seems like your heart is set on having this baby 🙂🙂

I know you're concerned about your mental health, but ... how would your mental health be in 10yrs time from now when you're facing the crushing regret of terminating this pregnancy?
Your job, mortgage and all that lot, you've achieved by yourself right? You have the motivation, common sense and will power to make all that happen ... you can make this work OP! Believe in yourself and stay strong.

Congratulations on your pregnancy :)

My partner is also a lot older than myself and has 2 grown children. We met 7 years ago and I said from the very first night I wanted children, he didn't, I was fully prepared to walk away at that stage. Fast forward 3 months and he changed his tone.

We tried for 7 years and finally have our miracle baby on the way after several IVF attempts. Our situations were slightly different as children are something I've always wanted and made this clear from the start but to have that choice taken away from me by the decisions made by someone else I would have regretted it for the rest of my life, in the long run this would have caused resentment between us and I'm sure in time that would have ended the relationship.

Whatever decision you make, you need to make it for you and no one else, you have to live with those choices for the rest of your life. Your partner has children so might never understand the yearning for you to have your own child. On a positive note, maybe he hasn't mentioned anything more as he is processing the idea and slowly coming around to the fact he is going to be a dad again :)

Financially, you will be just fine and the baby will be lucky to have such a hard working, independent mother.

Wishing you all the best :)

You should be fine on £700. If he just found out and is generally a decent bloke he's probably just in shock so give him some time before you worry too much!

You sound in a perfect place to have a baby, if it's what you want then go for it. You sound financially stable and remember, whether he wants to be involved or not, he'll have to contribute.

I’m 30 so I don’t know if I will have the time to find someone new and start a family again in the future. This could be my last chance for all I know.

Please don't let this sway your decision - I've started over twice since I turned 30 and am expecting my first baby aged 38 with someone wonderful. You have plenty of time.

However that's absolutely NOT me saying you shouldn't have this baby, if you want to. It's what YOU want, now, that matters.

Sending lots of love x

How are you OP? 💐

I’m fine thank you. I think.

My partner has come round to the fact I’m pregnant which is nice but I worry he may wobble abit when it comes to me being more pregnant / scans. But we can only see…

I’m abit up and down with my emotions and mental health at the moment but I think its just the hormones. I hope 🥹. I also think I’m still in shock that I'm actually pregnant haha.

@G1994

Early pregnancy is hard for many reasons; hormones being a major reason - things should soon settle down once you reach the 2nd trimester. I get it can all be very overwhelming; especially with your current situation.
I'm glad your DP has come round more to the fact your pregnant & continuing. If he wobbles again though, I'd personally just let him wobble on his own. Don't wear yourself down trying to pacify him; and try not to take on all of his emotions too; you have enough of your own to deal with.
You got this 🫶