Do I continue with the pregnancy or terminate? Advice please.

[Whale2]

I'm 34, have been with my partner for 6 years and am 8 weeks pregnant. We stopped using contraception approx. 18 months into our relationship, not because we were TTC, but because, as I had been unable to get pregnant in a previous relationship, we thought it was unlikely to happen.

I was with my ex for 8 years and we actively TTC for the last 3 and half. I wanted to undergo fertility treatment however my ex wasn't ready and the relationship ended shortly after, not due to this but this had been a large strain on the relationship.

I am not a maternal person and have very little interest in other peoples children although I do still get upset and sometimes jealous when friends and family announce their pregnancies. However during the last few years I had come to terms with the fact that I may never have children and have really enjoyed the freedom and lifestyle that we have compared to friends with children, although I have still wondered if i'm missing out on something and worry about being without family when i'm older.

When we saw the postive pregnancy test two weeks ago I felt hugely shocked and that is still the overriding feeling now. My instinct is to continue with the pregnancy as I may not have another opportunity to have a child. I also hate the thought of having an abortion which feels unnatural. However logically I have doubts that I would be a suitable mother and worry that our disinterest in children generally would result in us being disinterested in/unable to bond with our own child. It seems selfish to continue with the pregnancy if I have these doubts.

My partner has been supportive but I think he would prefer to terminate the pregnancy and continue with our life as it is. He has struggled with depression for a number of years and he worries that he will not cope with the stress of having a child. He is also concerned that, as he isn't generally interested in children either, he will not be able to bond with the child.

I know I have to make the decision myself however I am going round and round in circles. I don't want to make the wrong decision and spend the rest of my life regretting it. Does anyone have any advice?

I would schedule in a call with BPAS who will be much more experienced in having these conversations.
Either way you will live with the consequences of this decision for the rest of your life, and you probably need to accept that there is now no path that will result in your life carrying on as it is.

I think there are many people who don’t like other people’s kids but adore their own. Unless you actively hate children I wouldn’t worry too much on that front.

I can’t advise you what to do.

I can say what I would do. Which is have the abortion. Having children has been great. But it’s also incredibly hard and both mine were very much wanted.

Your life will change and if you really enjoy your freedom and lifestyle, missing that will be even harder.

Theres lots of thread going at the moment where people are just pushed to breaking point and struggle to adapt to their new life with kids.

I am sure there are lots of people who feel having a baby didn’t change their lifestyle at all. But for the majority it does.

I think it’s better to not have a child than have one that you may regret having.

If I were to get pregnant now, I would 100% have a termination. But as I said, I can’t tell you what is the right thing. Only what i would do.

Good luck

Hang on a minute...You tried to conceive for 3.5 years and yet you don't know if you want children?!

OP, it's quite normal not to like other people' children.

And as for not bonding? You bond with your friends or family, your pet, or romantic relationships, I take it? Then your bond-o-meter is working just fine.

Your life has changed irreconcilably now, whichever way you choose. Oh, and, the sacrificial years don't last forever because young babies very quickly become adults on the same level as you are... aka independent human beings.

Bonding with your child isn't a theoretical intellectual exercise, which is how you're seeing it at the moment because there is no child to bond with yet. It's a real, physical thing when they arrive. Nature usually sees to that.

Your own children are like no one else's. Your feelings for them are not remotely how you feel about other children that you aren't primary caregiver for. I've spent years teaching children. I've liked most of them (not all!) but I haven't felt bonded to them. My own children - completely different.

I previously felt like I really wanted children and part of this may have been because it was the "norm" however, now that i've had years without children and years of being resigned to the fact that I would not have them, my feelings have changed and i'm not sure what I want for my life.

I don't like other people's children at all.

Think mine are amazing, funny, interesting etc. it's completely different!

It sounds like you have no idea why you weren’t getting pregnant before, so it seems a very big leap of faith to assume that it was because you can’t get pregnant at all ever. Maybe your ex had fertility issues and you don’t.
you do say you figured it was unlikely, which means you both took the risk knowing there was a chance of pregnancy, both of those decisions are incredibly odd if you really do not want children. I don’t mean that in a judgemental way, but to ask did you perhaps want it to happen a little bit and now it’s just scary that it has?

it sounds like you want a child and now you’re just panicking, clearly in many ways it’s harder than not having one and if you’re happy with your life now it’s hard to rock the boat. I think if you get upset at other people having babies and you still wonder, then you’d probably regret ending this. But I don’t know, you just need to do what is right for you.

I can't stand children. They are annoying , noisy and dirty creatures. But I still had four of them and I adore MY children.

I was undecided and now have 1 child (who was planned). I love them, think they're great but hard work and has been a lot of sacrifice.

I had a lovely life before. I think I underestimated how great it was being able to go where I wanted, do what I want and having plenty of time at weekends for myself.

Having now had a child myself. I would say to anyone...

If you're not 1,000% sure it's for you.... don't do it!!

@Whale2 I would echo what everyone else has already said:

1. your child is not everyone else’s children - just because you don’t feel drawn to random toddlers, doesn’t mean you won’t love your own

2. your lifestyle WILL change - there is zero doubt about that

What I would add is that I think life is already different now that you’re pregnant. I think no matter which option you choose, there will likely be moments in the future where you wonder “what if” or even regret the choice you make here. With some digging on the internet, you’ll find that people tend to regret one of these options far more than the other, but only you can make the decision. Best of luck x

Only you can make the decision. It sounds like you are enjoying your life at the moment but there are glimpse of curiosity or desire to have children.

Ive noticed most people have said you need to be 100% sure that you want children to go ahead with the pregnancy - truth is, we just don’t know how we will take to parenting. Although all decent people adore their children but do not necessarily like other peoples. I am the same.

The same goes for an abortion - you have to be 100% sure that it is what you want.

Id advice councelling which most abortion services provide