the in-laws' family summer holiday

[MumDaisy1980]

It's my first pregnancy and to be due in April. Everyone on my husband family are very excited for us.

My husband has one brother and one sister, they both have three kids already. In the past, the bro and sis-in-law always spent summer holiday or almost all half-term holiday together such that their kids can play with each other. They never bother ask my husband to join, which is understandable as the trip is kids focus.

On New Year day, my husband received a text that the sis in law inviting us to go to Spain and will rent a villa for her birthday in the summer. My husband first reaction was already concern about taking a newborn on the plane. And in my point of view, we simply do not know and prepared for the hardship of a newborn for the first 6 months. I simply feel a difficult situation to commit to the trip, though as much as would like to join if we can.

It's also what I am expecting that as soon as we've got kids, we probably will be invited to all future half-terms/ summer holiday family gathering. though I could see it's for the goods of the kids, but my instinct being that I am quite a particular person - I know I don't mix well with the family if stay together under one roof for long- like a villa. We got along well when we meet up in meal time, special family occasion but never like a long period of time.

Besides, there are social class difference as in the bro and sis go to budget holidays, stay in caravan kind of trip. Whereas, my kind of vacation has always been 5* hotel - so the concept of budget villa kind of place I simply would feel very uncomfortable. Apart from this difference, the MIL will be there too and she has a tendency like to know everything between me and my husband. So if under one roof, I would feel perhaps suffocated. Sometimes if I am not in a good mood, I did feel a bit too much. Overall, she is kind so not completely not get along.

There are many differences if we get closer as a 'family' and I know on my end friction will happen - which I am trying to avoid. I am not the easy-going one ha! And in their perspective, they already very hands-on with kids but obviously it's our first we are a lot more cautious and would think through everything before taking action. Which I think they at this stage might think we over-react (but it's also natural given first time experience).

we have not yet replied, but I wonder any suggestion for suitable reply and any similar experience?

Just say you don’t feel able to commit right now so they should plan without you but if you are able to closer to the time you will book some accommodation close by so you can join them - then look for nice hotels in the vicinity

"Social class differences"? A particularly unpleasant way to talk about your family.....
Fair enough you have different ideas/ability to spend on holidays but I'd urge you to reflect on how stuck-up you're coming across here.

You say you'd like to join if you can, but then list all the ways in which you'd feel uncomfortable.
Sounds like you're not sure if you want to go or not and in any case aren't ready to commit, so don't keep your family hanging on and just be honest with them.

Go. After one trip away with you I doubt you'll be invited again so it'll be handy for everyone to get it over and done with. Or your husband and dc could go without you, you won't have to suffer the social class divide that way.

I am not the easy-going one

We got that, loud and clear. Halfway through your post, you had already created problems for issues that don't even exist yet.

For everyone's sake, just decline any future invitations for anything. You clearly have no intention to be gracious or flexible in any way whatsoever.

I don’t think it makes any difference for the next couple of years what you do, baby won’t have a clue. But it might be worth sucking it up for a long weekend when DC is a little older so they can have fun with their cousins. Take a couple of decent books, if anything like my family couples will take turns babysitting so each couple gets a “date night,” schedule in some activities just for you, DH & DC to break it up. Have your 5* holiday a few weeks after. Or go every other year?

Imagine the pain of being included in family events and invited on holiday with them so you and your children can all bond, how awful!

Plenty of people take babies away younger than 6 months and lots of guides about how to do this.

If you don't want to go, just say so and not make up excuses or invent problems that may not even exist.

You've said that you would like to join if you can, but I don't get any sense of that from what you've written subsequently. Which is fine. If you don't want to go, and your DH is in agreement, for whatever reason, then he just replies with something like "Thanks for thinking of us, not going to be able to commit to that. Did you hear back about the promotion yet?"

Like you would with any other invite you wanted to decline.

Social class differences, yikes!

A short haul flight is easy with a baby under 6 months. If you actually want to go on the holiday that is. It’s ok to say thanks but no thanks! I would keep in mind though that priorities may change- a budget villa becomes a hell of a lot more appealing when it comes with extra hands to help with the baby. Also, it’s lovely to be able to put baby to bed and then sit up with a drink as opposed to in a dark hotel room. And sometimes really fancy places are just a stress, particularly if it’s all fine dining restaurants and has restrictions like kids are only allowed in the main pool for an hour a day.

Poor baby, deprived of their cousins because you're a snob. Hopefully motherhood will humble you otherwise your baby will miss out on so much joy.

You sound like a PITA to be honest.

I loved 5* holidays pre kids, guess what, my kids love a bloody caravan holiday. So we do it, and we you know, have fun!

Oh come off it you lot. OP has used analytic language the way any sociologist would, she hasn't slagged off the in-laws or called them chavs. She's used to a different style of holidaying that affords her more personal privacy. Combined with already feeling her MIL tends to be rather full on that's fair enough. (Although I'd certainly suggest rephrasing when talking to the ILs in person.)

OP as suggested by a pp I'd tell them you want to play it by ear. For future occasions are these vacation parks that perhaps rent houses as well as caravans? That would give you a bit more privacy. Once DC is a bit older they could have a lot of fun with cousins.

Wow, this is going to go well for you.

Just say you won't go. You will clearly make both yourself and everyone else miserable if you do anyway.

Say that you don’t know how you’ll feel when the baby is here and that if you decide to come nearer the time you’ll book your own accommodation nearby.

On the one hand, being in the sunshine with family on hand to care for baby could make for a lovely break for you and your OH.

(In what way is the villa "budget"?)

Going on this holiday doesn't commit you to every subsequent holiday.

If you don't feel able to commit right now that's fine, you can say that.

Thank them for the invite but say you won’t be able to commit to this one - maybe in the future. Leave it at that!

I wouldn't do it now but it may work when your DC is older. We do go away with inlaws (DD2 and DN are same age) but we always have our own space/apartments etc - we've never all stayed in one big house as we'd do one another's head in. Also we don't spend all day every day together but meet up with PIL in the evening and so on.

Thanks everyone for all your feedback.

I might not have used the right phrase and came across disrespectful. i was trying to emphasise the kind of difference within a few words.

will take on board some of your comments. Thank you!