Unexpected pregnancy

[WarmingUp]

Hi all,

Not sure what I’m looking for… found out I’m expecting on Christmas Day. It was a case of failed contraception and I’m so annoyed that if either of us would have known then I’d have taken the MAP.

We have a DD (15m) and a DSS (10). If i continue the pregnancy my DD will be 23m and DSS 11y/o. I am so torn as to what to do, continue the pregnancy or terminate. And don’t feel like this is a pros and cons scenario as it’s life changing.

I feel so stupid, I’m 30, have a good steady and well paid job, have a home and own my car and literally have a house full of baby things ready to be reused. I am a good mother to my daughter and I know I’ll be a good mother again, I’m just so sad that it’s happened so soon.

My partner and I have spoke and he said we’re not ready for another baby yet and a year down the line would be a totally different story. Admittedly I would have liked a larger gap between both as I wanted to enjoy the things I did with my first.

I am so torn as to what to do, my DP has said it’s my body and my choice and he will support me but when I spoke the past few days of not terminating he’s really adamant and thinks we can’t financially afford another child and we’d be ruining our other children’s lives. So I have called and made an appointment for a termination consultation today.

I am totally heartbroken and need some words of wisdom. I can’t speak to any friends or family as I don’t want them to judge me but I know my parents would tell me not to worry and everything will be ok and I feel like this myself. I’m just so torn and don’t want to ruin our children’s lives by having another child.

I didn't want to read and run. I don't think anyone can really tell you what to do but I would very much delay any kind of termination appointment until you are very sure what you want to do either way. I hope it all works out for you xxx

I agree with Jb 21, this is a huge decision and as your pregnancy is in the earliest stages, you have a little time to consider the options. Nobody else can make your mind up for you.

I completely agree with the others, don't do it just because he wants it done. Make sure your 100% sure what you want to do

It sounds like you’d decided not to terminate, until he told you that you would be ‘ruining’ your children’s lives? Would you really ‘ruin’ them? That seems unlikely unless you’re already struggling to put food on the table and already massively struggling to cope day to day? but obviously only you know your personal circumstances to know if what he said is true. What may be different in a year? Either way, only you can decide, but I would personally wait until I was sure either way. You likely have a couple of weeks if you only just found out. Good luck op, awful situation to be in, I hope you can find a way forward that you are comfortable with, whatever that is.

It’s your life and you know what will work best. I can completely understand wanting to delay for financial reasons. However, his statement regarding ruining the existing children’s lives because another baby turned up a year sooner than expected is complete bollocks.

It’s indeed a difficult situation. I think trust your instinct is the best way forward.

i would share a few thoughts from your post.

i was surprised when I first read the partner saying it’s your body, will support you and make your decision. The baby inside your body is originated from him! You could argue it’s from him and he could make the decision. But my point is I think it’s a joint decision and need to communicate more to arrive a point both of you think is right. You are at this stage finding the decision. His message came across as in when you have found ur decision, he will be there. Besides when you said not terminating, he swayed you to terminate!

Agree with others indeed takes your time to think before termination.

your story reminded me that once my dad told me (maybe when I was a teenage) - i suppose will have a brother, but because same reason of your partner concern and cannot cope financially. I would not have a chance to have education for example. So my parents terminated the baby. After my dad shared the story, he asked me (with a mindset just a teenage) if he is very bad. I takes no time to answer he is and I said it’s a life. On top of that, it took me 4 years to fell preg. I try to emphasis how precious a life can be.

and last but not least a more balanced viewpoint is that
you and your partner wellbeing is the most important, as in two of you need strong foundation to provide for the offspring - if you keep the baby, and ur partner becomes too stressful about money , the fam may fall apart.

contrary, the baby maybe a blessing that give both of you resilience and motivation to overcome the challenge. The process maybe difficult but maybe both of you able find new solution to earn more for example.

hope it helps!

Thank you all so much for your replies. I really am all over the place and on one hand can’t think of having another baby, (I think this is more the mum guilt of sharing my time and love) and on the other know we will be totally fine and they will be great together.

I don’t think he’s really thought past the financial implications and as one poster mentioned, we’re really not in dire straights (or I don’t think we are). DP is on a much lesser wage than when we first conceived our DD due to taking the first job he could after being made redundant a year ago. This was only a stop gap until he found another but he’s yet to find another and still lives based on his old wage (almost 16k difference) whereas I’ve always been careful with money. We pay all bills, mortgage, childcare for DD, house etc together and whatever we have left is ours. DP also has SS outgoings which is split with his ex, so he has more financially he is spending and I’m the higher earner from us both so on my end I know financially I am ok, whereas he has more to think about.

I’ve tried to explain that in the next 8/9 months our financial situation may change massively and would we look back and think we could have totally made it work? Rather than looking at it from a ‘now’ perspective.

I do feel that if I carried the pregnancy my partner would hold a slight resentment for me, until the baby was here and I know he would love it, he is a great dad. I also feel that if I terminated I would resent my DP. I’ve struggled with depression in the past and feel that is creeping back in slowly, I feel so alone in this decision as he just can’t see the wood from the trees at the moment. Again, sorry for the offload just feeling totally down in the dumps.

Thanks for your replies and I hope you’re all ok.

I'm sorry you' re going through this difficult decision, as others have said don't make a rushed decision.
Do you think you or your partener will regret baby once born?
Do you think you will regret not giving this baby a chance to live?
I have 2 kids (2 yr And 8 months apart) And sometimes is harder with 2 And can't do 1 to 1 as you can do with an only child, however seeing them grow together, their play, their friendship makes it all worthed. I think my second child is the best gift I ever gave my first.
Hoping And praying you'll reach the right decision 🥰

Sorry you are in this position OP.
In what way do you/DP think you'll be ruining your DC's lives by having this baby?

I have a 25 month gap between DC2 and DC3 and they are honestly the best of friends. They have their scraps but they have just moved into the same room together as they wanted to sleep in bunks. If you have a steady job and can afford it and you have any doubt in your mind about this abortion. Please take your time to reconsider. Don't be bullied into making a decision.