Overwhelmed by guilt at 3rd pregnancy

[Ghostspiderinaghostcopter]

A couple of days ago I found I was pregnant with my 3rd child. This was planned and we already have DD (3.5years) and DS (18 months). We always said we wanted 3 children but after a complicated birth with DS we were both shaken enough to go through a period of uncertainty about a third pregnancy, with DH being a flat out “no” at one point. I had postnatal counselling until DS was 1 and at this point we both felt that we’d like a 3rd and we wanted to try, but gave ourselves a window of 6 months that if it didn’t happen, then it wasn’t meant to be. We started trying 3 months ago and this month it happened. I was disappointed the previous 2 months when it didn’t happen so I expected to feel overjoyed when I saw the positive test, however I felt an immediate sense of dread, guilt and fear. Fear of another pregnancy and birth, dreading any complications, and mostly an huge sense of guilt that a new baby will ruin DD and DS’s happy lives. Ideally, we would have waited a little longer between DS and another baby but I’ve just turned 37 and didn’t feel time was on my side so we decided it’s now or never. I haven’t told DH I’m pregnant yet because I’m scared I won’t be able to hide how I’m feeling and show what an awful person i am to feel
like this when we chose this and I thought I wanted it. I don’t know what to do. I want to want this baby but I feel terrified and guilty.

i’d get back to counselling

I think this is a very normal reaction - I wanted a baby for years and was so buzzing to start TTC, and as soon as I got the positive I thought oh shit what have we done. It does not by any stretch of the imagination make you an awful person.

The good thing about pregnancy is it takes a long time for a baby to cook, and that gives you time to take a deep breath, get yourself sorted, prepare for the arrival etc. Just because you feel guilty and overwhelmed at 3w pregnant, doesn't mean you'll feel like that the whole time.

If it was me, I'd take 10 mins to remind myself of all the reasons why we wanted to go for a third, then I'd tell DH and be honest about the overwhelming and the guilt, and ask for his support while you grapple with these feelings.

FWIW, I think three is a wonderful amount of children (it's what I'm aiming for) and even more exciting since you already have a DD and DS - this third one will tip the scales one way or the other!

But it's hard when your feelings don't match what you thought they would - please give yourself some grace and don't beat yourself up about it, give yourself some time to adjust. Best of luck with the pregnancy!

@Ghostspiderinaghostcopter I could have written your post. Have been ttc this past year, have two ds already. 5 weeks pg and absolutely regretting it completely feel so utterly confused and scared and really wish we didn't try. Feel like I've got mauled in a mess. How are you?

Ambivalence is a common reaction. Give yourself time to absorb the idea. I'm in the GM & GGM stage and wished I had a third.

@OhcantthInkofaname thanks for your response. Yea I'm in a negative space atm but pg it will improve over time. I worry at the best of times so this has surely heightened my worries and anxiety.
🙏 for healthy baby and pregnancy🙏

How are you now OP?

Not great to be honest. I lost the baby at 6 weeks. I’d just got my head around it and was feeling really positive. Now I feel like I some how caused it due to how negative I felt to start with. Thank you for asking.

I’m so sorry to hear this. I’ve had a miscarriage in the past and been full of questions. It will have been nothing you’ve done wrong. I know from experience how hard the decision on trying for that baby will have been. Thinking of you.