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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

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Original poster

Feeling frustrated with MIL

17 replies

MoonstoneGoddess · 02/01/2024 18:45

We told family only (parents) were pregnant . Im only 12 weeks and havent even had my 12 week scan. We told Simply because id been so unwell over Christmas and just wanted to be on my own in my own home and didn't want to do family dinners over Christmas or NY at all. I didn't even want visitors. To be honest i just wanted to be alone and rest.
I physically feel terrible and my anxiety is already so high

MIL is really pissing me off. I have so much anxiety as it is due to previous miscarriage and I'm terrified about this pregnancy given my age 38 and numerous health conditions and hormone disorder.
She has 4 grandchildren from her other sons and surely knows its so early in my pregnancy?
The latest is sending down a bag full of hospital toiletries for when I give birth. Like wtf ? I've only turned 12 weeks today! I find this so annoying and quite frankly weird. I feel like is she trying to jinx things when we haven't even had a scan.
She's bought second hand baby stuff . I told my husband take it right back.
Is it wrong to me to feel like she should at least ask me if we need help buying stuff? If I need baby stuff later in my pregnancy I will be choosing it. Its our first baby after a long fertility journey. Obviously I'm excited to hopefully pick out our own baby stuff not have someone trying to control the situation picking everything themselves. I'm sorry if this sounds over entitled but I don't want second hand prams and baby carriers ect . Besides as I said
I'm way too early to be buying stuff. We don't even know if baby is ok since we haven't had 12 week scan.
Yesterday's events of sending a birthing essentials for me has really pissed me off. Am I being really unreasonable here

OP posts:

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Christmastreestillinonepiece · 02/01/2024 18:48

Tell dh to drop it back to her and say you aren't nesting just yet.. Be firm. Or hell knows how far she will go...

Aquamarine1029 · 02/01/2024 18:50

You're not being unreasonable, and I think you need to have a very, very frank discussion with your husband right this minute. This is his mother, he needs to grow a backbone, if he doesn't have one already, and he has to deal with his mother. It needs to come from him, right now, that she must back off. He needs to tell her bluntly that her "enthusiasm" is deeply distressing you, and she needs to slam on the brakes. Your husband had best be your supporter here.

PickledScrump · 02/01/2024 19:09

Honestly there’s so many posts about overbearing mil, I was expecting much worse. It just sounds like she’s excited and wanting to help. Rather than feeling pissed off id just say thank you but as we’re still early we’d rather not be having baby things just yet. It sounds like she’ll be a great grandmother. I’ve had stuff bought or given from family members early on and honestly hasn’t bothered me at all so I doubt she’s realised how you are feeling. A quick conversation will clear it up.

Also whenever you buy anything isn’t going to jinx anything

moosey89 · 02/01/2024 19:12

@PickledScrump I see what you're saying but I would find this awfully overwhelming too. I wouldn't want any baby items in the house in case I had a miscarriage as it would be upsetting to have them around. It would also be nice if the MIL asked what they would like/need rather than buying lots that might not be what the mum and dad want. I agree that a simple conversation should be enough to clear things up though!

ZekeZeke · 02/01/2024 19:21

She is just excited. Give her a break.
You didn't have to tell anyone you were pregnant. You could have made up any excuse, covid, pneumonia, ulcer....

elliejjtiny · 02/01/2024 19:22

I think your dh needs to have a word and say it's still really early and you're finding it overwhelming to be given things at this very early stage. Get him to say that in another 4 months or so you'll be happy to go baby shopping etc with her but right now you're taking it one day at a time.

MrsSkylerWhite · 02/01/2024 19:23

Maybe she’s trying to boost your confidence after your sad experience?

DementedPanda · 02/01/2024 19:25

Tour mil needs to back off and your dh needs to have a word with her. I fell pregnant naturally after years of infertility and failed ivf cycles. We confided in our parents and told them so they know prior to a a close wedding. At the wedding during photos outside the church mil decided it was her place to announce my pregnancy... I was only 6 weeks and take the limelight off the newly married couple. I was furious.

Allthecatseverywhereallatonce · 02/01/2024 19:26

I am sorry for your previous losses that makes it harder. I think just be honest with you mil. It doesn't sound like she is doing anything awful. Clearly she is excited. Mils have a tough time on mn.

Devilsmommy · 02/01/2024 19:34

I think you need to tell your DH to have a word. Also, I completely understand about the second hand baby stuff. I was absolutely the same, I knew I was only having the one child so I wanted him to have everything brand new. You're not being unreasonable to want that

Chaiandtoast · 02/01/2024 19:46

I think she’s just being excited, but it is still overstepping the mark and being selfish. Unless she’s normally rude and difficult I’d maybe let her off the hook a bit though. For example I don’t think it’s fair to say she’s trying to jinx the pregnancy, this seems unlikely unless she’s normally awful and you know she does things to stress you out.
that said dh absolutely needs to tell her to back off, you don’t want all sorts of stuff in your house for 7 months, you want to pick your own things etc. And once you’re ready, you will include her (if you’re happy to. But again if she’s normally nice it would be nice to) in selecting something you actually do want.

Daffyyellow · 02/01/2024 19:49

I would get your DH to return it, thanking her but explaining that it’s too early and you don’t want to tempt fate so nothing baby or pregnancy related until you say you’re ready. I would also try very hard to take this as a kindly meant gesture of how happy and excited she is, a bigger compliment as it’s her 5th grandchild.

Original poster

MoonstoneGoddess · 02/01/2024 19:51

Thanks. It does help me feel a bit better that I'm not being completely unreasonable at being given things at this stage.
Unfortunately I don't think a word would change anything. She's always been completely overbearing and controlling every situation with DH and when she's not getting her way she would take DHs car keys when he visits and refuse to let him come home to me. I don't have a relationship with MIL , we barely talk because of all this past controlling behaviour and its created a wedge between us so I find all this baffling and weird. I say hello and act polite for the sake of DH. He didnt want to be going for Christmas Dinner without me.
She dosent know about past miscarriages so she's not trying to boost my confidence.
I feel we did have to be honest because we knew they had suspicions. We conceived via ivf and I developed ohss and my stomach got so swollen I literally look like im 6 months pregnant already. We've been making excuses for the past 4 months since starting ivf. We couldn't possibly keep making more excuses or hiding. MILS co worker had seen us attending midwife appointment. When I was admitted to hospital before Christmas I told my mum as she had already seen the prenatal vitamins anyway but didnt say anything and well my mum felt really guilty that she knew and not DHs mum so had really urged me to tell her aswell as it didn't feel fair.
I hardly doubt MIL is over excited as she has 4 other grandchildren and only sees 1 of them. She didn't bother gifts, visiting ect when they were born so odd that she's being so eagerly buying early gifts for ours since she wasn't pushy with others. I do just find it overwhelming

OP posts:

Chaiandtoast · 02/01/2024 20:01

Ah ok, so instead after your update this sounds like my MIL 😂 she’s just making it about herself. You still need DH to step up. He needs to say thanks but no thanks. And then after that just refuse to take anything he’s handed. She can buy all she likes, that doesn’t affect you, but non of it comes to your house.
also, whilst your mum may have been well intentioned, her guilt is irrelevant. You need to stand up to her too. Do what’s right for you, and dh and the pregnancy. She’ll just have to live with her guilt or other opinions and feelings in future, they’re not your problem. Don’t be pushed into things you don’t want to do. Don’t be pushed into taking things you don’t want in your home. Good luck!

ransomans · 02/01/2024 20:55

no sorry this would annoy me too I don't think your being unreasonable

HauntyHoose · 02/01/2024 21:10

I get it OP. If this is what she's like and she's not likely to be sensitive to your feelings then I'd get a couple of charity collection bags ready and put everything straight in those.

cuppycoffee · 02/01/2024 23:23

@MoonstoneGoddess I’m so sorry you’re going through this, I had the same with my MIL during my first pregnancy. I didn’t really know her that well, as her son (father of my twins) didn’t see each other that often. But as soon as I was pregnant, she became unbearable. I actually didn’t see her from being 12 weeks pregnant. But my partner would go round and she’d be sending second hand stuff and telling him what car seats she’d be buying for her car - she really ruined my pregnancy, and I blame my partner because he wouldn’t shut it down. Before you completely lose your mind, tell your partner to tell her to stop. Her being excited is no excuse at all. This is your pregnancy, not hers. I hope it gets better for you because I know how stressful/upsetting it can be.

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