unplanned third - what to do

[chipstick25]

Hello,

excuse me if this is all a bit jumbled. I’ve just had a positive test.
I have 2 DC already, 3 and just turned 5. I can’t believe I’m pregnant, this was not planned or wanted. A one off act of stupidity between me and DH - I feel ridiculous, we just got carried away.

I’ve been running through a list of pros and cons in my head and I think overwhelmingly I don’t want to go ahead with this pregnancy.

Main reasons being
-career finally getting back on track
-2 gorgeous children, life finally getting easier
-DH is older, would be 44 when this baby would be due (I am 35).

I think if someone could tell me this baby would be happy and healthy and no SEN/disabilities etc then I would go ahead, but nobody can look into the future and tell me this. I think a child with additional needs would be too much strain on my marriage.

my DH would support me but he does not want another child.

I suppose what I am asking is - has anyone been in this position and terminated and been ok? I’m worried I will regret this but also I think it’s the right choice not just for me but for my family too.

I feel so stupid, so irresponsible. For some reason I didn’t think this would happen, but it obviously did.

thank you in advance.

Hey 👋 unplanned baby number 5, i had a previous termination in 2019 due to not wanting anymore kids and honestly was relieved at first but then the regret set in so when this little surprise came along i knew couldn’t do it again, i really struggled with my decision to keep her at first and OH was not happy but now i can’t wait to meet her, my kids are 13,11 and twins 8, two with special needs, so was very big decision to start all over, you need to do what is right for you, not anyone else, not even your other kids as its you that will cope with your decision either way x

Thank you for your reply. I feel like it’s not actually happening to me if that makes sense?
I suppose I can’t stop thinking about spreading myself too thinly now. I’m not great with chaos and going with the flow and I think personally I won’t do very well with the uncertainty and upheaval a new baby will bring. I worry about ‘middle child syndrome’. My DH is a middle and hated it. I worry I’m not going to be as good a mum to my 2 children if I add another to the mix.
My youngest was a tough baby/toddler (not sleeping/fussy etc) and although we love her to pieces it was really hard on our marriage as we were so tired and constantly bickering. I feel we are just coming through it all now.
I know I have time to think, my period is due tomorrow but I ‘knew’ a couple of days ago so nothing is set in stone.
I’m just so scared I’ll regret it even though I’m 95% sure it’s the right thing for us as a family.
Since my youngest turned 3 a few months ago I’ve been weirdly feeling broody and craving pregnancy and a newborn but now it’s happened I can’t believe I felt like that.

Sorry, this probably makes no sense. I’m all over the place.

Makes perfect sense, after my termination i was relieved, then regretful, then broody (which made my regret worse) and then stopped being broody about a year before i then got pregnant with this one, me and OH were only just about getting our freedom back with all the kids at school and getting more independent and its scary doing it all again, but i knew i would never regret her once she was here, the pregnancy has been very “oh my god what am i doing” but i know she will be worth it, it is a horrible situation to find yourself in and it makes it harder having to consider your OH feelings and your kids but honestly make the decision for you! My OH didn’t want to keep this little one and although he is still scared of doing it all again he is now excited to meet her and my eldest son cried when we told him but now asks me everyday when is she coming (6 days overdue) what im saying is make the best decision for you because the others will have time to come around x

Hi, namechanged as I guess this is pretty personal. I fell pregnant unexpectedly with number 3 when my children were both 4 and under. Life had been chaotic and I think I missed a couple of pills and should have known better.

I made the decision early on to terminate, and I was surprised that I found the decision so easy. Although the process ended up being quite traumatic and drawn out, it was the right decision and I don't regret it. I don't often think about it now, but when I do it's just something that happened at that point in my life.

I'm sure that will sound to many like I'm an awful person, but I just wanted to share my story, this isn't something that's necessarily going to haunt you for the rest of your life

I think if someone could tell me this baby would be happy and healthy and no SEN/disabilities etc then I would go ahead, but nobody can look into the future and tell me this.
no they can’t, but surely the chances are quite high that you’d have a healthy baby with no disabilities? You’re 35, but around here 35-40 is a common age for a first, and even though chances are increased due to age, they’re still very low, and you can get testing for many conditions.

i also don’t think ‘middle child syndrome’ is a real thing to worry about. Surely that can be countered by parents being aware and making an effort? Presumably dh didn’t hate being the middle child, he hated being ignored, or sharing everything or not being special enough etc. That is just about parenting more consciously.

obviously if it’s not the right time for you that’s fine too though. I’m sure whatever you do will be right for you and your family

I just wanted to say that I was in your position last September when I found out I was pregnant with number 3. I’m soon to be 42 and dh is 44. I have 2 boys 7 and 3. We had tried for a third a couple of years back but nothing had happened and I had finally come to terms with the fact that I was happy and complete with the two boys. We stupidly had one moment and boom I was pregnant. I pretty much cried for the first few weeks as I was happy with my family, I had a new job which I was really settled in and financially I was unsure how I would cope with 3. I was also concerned about my age and the potential health of the baby. I’m completely pro choice but for me a termination was not an option.

As the weeks went on things started to settle. The idea didn’t seem so scary any more. I’m now 20 weeks and I found out last week that I’m having a little girl. After two boys it was very unexpected and I really feel like she was meant to be here. I never thought I would get to this stage but I think I just needed the shock to wear off. My dh was also very supportive and was more than happy to have a third so that helped a lot too.

No one can tell you what is the right decision for you and your family but I just wanted you to know that sometimes once the shock wears off, what originally seemed like to worst thing to happen can actually turn out to be the best. Wishing you well.

If your dh doesn't want any more kids, and fails to stop to put a condom on, then he needs to book in for the snip. Has he said he will?

In her book "How To Be A Woman" Caitlin Moran has a chapter where she describes being in precisely this situation with an unwanted, unplanned 3rd pregnancy. In her case, she decided to terminate the pregnancy. She describes her decision making process in detail and although it is not without regret, she ultimately stands by it being the right decision for her. I don't know if reading that would be helpful for you or not.

I was in the same position as you in 2018 with unplanned number 4. I mostly just felt so embarrassed, that at nearly 39 with 3 children under 7, I made such a silly mistake. I went ahead with the pregnancy, child is now almost 5 and although it has been great and child is healthy and dearly loved, of course I wouldn't change anything..... it has been A LOT of extra work and it's only now that I am finally approaching the place I thought I had reached 6 years ago, and wondering if I still have the stamina for any of it!

Good luck with your decision. 💐

I fell pregnant when my DDs were 4 and 6 months. I straight away knew it was a mistake and although it wasn’t easy I had a termination. I think about it rarely these days (five years down the lane) and I know
it was the right decision for our family. It was hard, and if my husband hadn’t supported me it would have been even harder, but I know now it doesn’t make me a terrible person.

Thank you all for being so kind. It’s reassuring to hear something positive about terminations too. I just feel so stupid for getting into this situation, I’m really embarrassed.
I have a really busy couple of days with work coming up so just focusing on that atm but will hash things out after this week is over and make a decision.
Thanks again.

How are you now OP?
not sure what you decided but I was in this postion last year and went through with the medical abortion. It was one of the worst things in my life to do but a decision not made lightly. I stand by it, it would have mentally destroyed me. There’s a tiny hole in my heart from it, a little forever question mark. A year on I’ve been broody …. But I still don’t want to risk ruining everyone’s lifestyle etc.. 3 is very different to 2! So I think it’s just my hormones playing tricks on me and wishing things could have worked out differently (like if I was a multi millionaire!!)
but alas we are a relatively run of the mill family and life would become a real struggle with more. Sad but harsh reality. Hope you’re okay whatever you decided x x

Hi @chipstick25 how are you doing now? We're in exactly this situation, I can't quite believe I've been so stupid or that I'd ever consider termination, we've struggled with fertility in the past, but we're also stretched to capacity and I don't know if I've got it in me to do pregnancy and another child. I've not stopped crying since I took the positive test.