Struggling after pregnancy loss

[Francescarae]

I went for my 12 week scan 2 days ago to find out that there was no heartbeat, baby stopped growing at 8 weeks 3 days I’ve had a missed miscarriage, I am absolutely devastated this was an IVF pregnancy after 8 years of trying to conceive and we were so excited and really thought everything was okay, I am not waiting for my body to naturally miscarry the baby at home if not will gave to have medical management.
what I am finding the hardest is people who think they are being supportive but they say the most stupid comments that just make me feel so much worse, Like…

it’s your turn next
there was something wrong with baby
you need a healthy baby or it’s not fair
it wasn’t meant to be
I’m relieved you’re not pregnant anymore due to the stress
you can try again
just see this as a trial run
atleased you know what to expect
it wasn’t the right time
everything happens for a reason

im finding this so hard to the point where I feel like blocking my whole contact list or locking myself away. Also doesn’t help that my friend on Facebook who had her embryo transfer the day after mine has just done a big post to announce she is pregnant, I feel so low, finance is telling me to firm up but I can’t.

I'm so so sorry for your loss. I've had 2 missed miscarriages and they are so so cruel. I'm also sorry your fiancé is being so insensitive, it's only been 2 days! Grieving takes time, you've not even fully miscarried yet. Take your time - I deleted social media for a few weeks and just took time to myself. I had surgical management both times (felt easier for me to separate the clinical and emotional elements) and was signed off work for 2 weeks each time and still definitely didn't feel better when I went back. It's been nearly 6 months since my most recent loss and I'm still struggling emotionally most days.

After my first loss I found it hard when people said stuff like that, the second time I outright asked people to not say things like that because I didn't find it helpful. I found putting my foot down and advocating for myself has really helped.

Sending big hugs. These forums have been such a support for me over the last few years xx

Sorry to hear you went though it too. It’s so hard, I think I am only going to wait until Monday and see if anything happens and if not will see if I can have the tablets, maybe it will somehow help me to move on but I think it will take some time. I think it’s probably a good idea for me to stay off social media at the moment it’s incredibly hard , I’m thankful that we do have two more embryos but still is so sad

Hi OP
im so sorry for your loss. Just remember you are not obliged to talk or reply to anyone. If you’re struggling with what people are saying (and rightly so) just go offline for as long as you need. Unanswered messages isn’t you being rude but taking the time you need x

I'm so sorry for your loss OP. It's heartbreaking. I've just had my second MMC, they're devastating. Often I think people don't know what to say so they pull out a phrase they think might be helpful. But it's actuality not helpful at all! Ultimately, you probably just need caring acknowledment and solidarity. At least that's what I found most helpful. I've found the people who have been most supportive and understanding are women who have had a miscarriage themselves. And they're least likely to say unhelpful things!

Agree with PPs re turning off social media for a while. My 1st MMC was my first pregnancy and I could not deal with pregnant women or babies for quite a while afterwards. And that's ok. This time I have a DS so I'm feeling different in that respect this time. But just take your time and know however you feel is totally valid. Sending love x

OP I am so so so sorry for your loss 😞. Try to ignore the stupid comments, you don't even need to respond to them. It's only been two days and understandably pretty much nothing at this stage is going to make you feel any better.

I had a similar situation nearly a year ago with a very traumatic loss following fertility treatment so I feel very deeply what you are going through and it's awful. I did kind of lock myself away for weeks as I couldn't face anything or anyone and if that's what you need be gracious to yourself and give yourself the space to process, what has happened is complete crap and you absolutely at this point do not need to 'firm up' or any such nonsense.

If I may offer some advice I wish I'd had when I was experiencing similar, it is that the process of healing mentally doesn't begin until the process of healing physically has been completed. I was way too hard on myself to get 'back to normal' and to cope while I was still dealing with the physical side of my loss because I felt that other people deal with this all the time and I should be able to as well. In hindsight I didn't allow myself to grieve properly and truly acknowledge what I had been through. Whilst it did drive me to immediately try again, what actually happened was I was fortunate enough to fall pregnant again five months later and emotionally I wasn't actually ready at all and it made the first half of my pregnancy incredibly challenging mentally, and it took a huge toll on me and subsequently on DH as well. I have had help from a therapist to manage with all of that but I wish I had done it before I fell pregnant again. If your clinic offer any mental health support it might be worthwhile trying it once you have healed physically.

Sending you all the support and hoping that everything works out for you xxx

So sorry to hear that so many of you have been through this too, life really is so cruel.
yes I don’t think it will start to be able to mentally heal until the baby has left my body, it’s awful still feeling pregnant.
the clinic offer mental health support and counceling so might take that up.
im happy that you managed to get pregnant after lavender.
I feel very numb and low but will take each day as it comes, it probably doesn’t help that I’ve been stuck at home as I’m scared to go out in case something happens, the waiting is awful

Francescarae, so very sorry that you have had this news. I had an MMC myself very recently, first pregnancy and like you, and others, found out at my 12 week scan. Embryo found was only 6.2 weeks! It is so awful and a truly painful thing to deal with. Like others I had never heard of an MMC and still feeling very pregnant and increasing in size I assumed all was well until scan day so I absolutely understand your pain. Those of us on this forum who have had the same or similar experiences will all be very much feeling for you.
Personally, I want you to know that you are not alone, there are quite a lot of others who have had this experience. We all process the loss differently, it is a very individual thing where emotions are concerned but, as others have said, you need to and should make time for you and process/grieve in your own way and time.

I find it difficult to find the right adjective to describe how I view your fiance's comment, at least without sounding unkind!! That said, it may just be the way he outputs his own emotions. I will make him that excuse, but!!

Sending huge virtual hugs xx

Ps, sorry you have received the comments you have had from people. Some people are really either dim or totally insensitive or, sadly, both xxx

Thanks so much for your reply longbarn. It’s so awful isn’t it. What did you opt for to deal with the miscarriage, waiting, tablets or surgery? I’m waiting at the moment but worried as it’s been 4 weeks since baby stopped growing. I’m sorry to hear you’ve been through this too it’s so sad.

fiancé has been very apologetic about his comment this morning and has been really supportive today, I think he is finding it hard but doesn’t want to show it, his friend told me he called him in tears yesterday.

I lost my longest pregnancy at 10 weeks, after trying for 10 years.

Miscarriage sucks. Infertility sucks. And frankly after 8 years what you are dealing with most women never will. In face even when it comes to miscarriages having one after 8 years is extra horrific.

Please take care of yourself, you've been through a tremendous loss. I'm so sorry.

Thanks so much for your reply, it’s the only time I’ve ever been pregnant in the 8 years which is so upsetting it was the closest I’ve ever got, the first time I’ve managed to be around pregnant people in that time or feel happy for other pregnant women, sounds awful I know but the last 8 years have been incredibly hard, it was our first round of IVF and we were so happy, all of our friends and family knew as we were having IVF which is why I’ve probably had so many stupid comments from people. I really thought this was my time x