It's a bit of a long one - I am currently 19 weeks pregnant with my LB. I met the father of my unborn baby at work 2 years ago - he was in another relationship however always flirted with me and developed affection for me. He kept pursuing me and eventually I caved in as the feeling was mutual and we had tonnes of chemistry. He 'left' his girlfriend and we started a casual relationship which very soon turned into something more. After 5 months, I found out he was still with his ex, but he had actually only left her for real just a week prior to me finding out about her still being on the scene. We had a rough patch however I forgave him and after a month apart, we began exclusively seeing eachother. Throughout this time he was very hot and cold, shower me with attention and compliments then be distant for days or weeks and whenever I mentioned this, he told me I was expecting too much, overthinking things even though he literally disappeared or gave one word answers and avoided me. The more this went on, the more insecure and critical I became because I just trust him knowing what he was capable of and if he was doing the same to me. Sometimes we wouldn't have sex for weeks because he was 'stressed', and we stopped going out yet he was fine for everyone and everything else. He became very active on instagram, always liking girls photos and messaging them (saw a few messages pop up although never saw anything untoward). Fast forward, we began arguing more about my insecurities and 'expectations'. When I tried to leave, or when he would threaten to leave me, he would start all over again with the kind words and affection literally worshipping me. But he could never commit - whenever I asked why the relationship wasn't moving forwards, he told me that he was still in love with his ex and wasn't ready for the next step of intimacy (although he could cuddle and have sex with me - he couldnt hold my hands or kiss me after 7 months of 'dating'). He said we were taking it slow and working towards a relationship yet it never got there - goalposts constantly moving. I became more insecure and we had an argument one day from which he decided to end things. However, a week later he was asking to meet up and we basically carried on like old times - no explanation it was as if nothing happened. When I confronted him on this and asked where we stood, he accused me of being needy, clingy, seeking validation etcetc. We argued again and he ended up going to Barcelona for a holiday - he ignored me for the first 5 days, then accused me of sleeping with a coworker when actually he had been with another girl when he was there. He came back and I confronted him about her, he lied and gaslighted me, until I showed him the undeniable evidence I had found. He still bent the truth and somehow managed to turn things on me (used my insecurity as an excuse and 'technically we arent together' despite him saying he has no interest in pursuing anyone else). We were tigether everyday basically acting as a couple however when I was asleep he would be messaging her. He told me we would go to Italy (never happened), all while he was telling her he would take her to Cyprus!! Fast forward 2 months, somehow we are hanging out again just like before (he always managed to rope me back in) - sleeping together, staying the night, spending every day together, doing dinners, messaging everyday etc and I find out I am pregnant. At first he 'tried to be there', but after about a month he told me that we will never be together, this should have been his and his exes baby, he will never be able to have his ex back now Im pregnant, and he hates me. He cut off our physical relationship, but still wanted to spend time with me?! So I told him no, if we arent going to be together I will not be spending my time with him like that (I started tonsee through the BS). He has been very hot and cold since. Caring and considerate then nasty and dismissive. I was very compassionate with him regardless, however I let him know that he hurt me. He said that if I wasn't so inconsiderate by keeping the baby, and then telling my friend the gender which accidentally got leaked to him (he didnt want to know the gender), he wouldn't have to be nasty to me. At the moment he has been to all the scans and wants to be involved. He has introduced me to his family and wants to meet mine. He started acting like a boyfriend again and promised to take me to Mexico for a babymoon, even got to the point of booking the tickets then told me no because he can't have the time off work and he actually cant get over me deciding to keep the baby. But suddenly, he only speaks to me when absolutely necessary. Before there was a hint of 'friendship' but now he speaks to me with such contempt and disinterest, one word answers yet at work infront of others hes friendly and polite with me. I know I deserve better, and need to forget him, but at the same time I can't help but feel guilty that I have put him in this position rather than having an abortion (I could never dream of it). I also feel guilty for all the insecurity and criticism I put on him earlier in our relationship - maybe he would want to be with me if I wasnt so awful. But THEN I sit and think he should go and fuck himself, he treated me like crap and played around with me the whole time. I have no idea how to move forward, I feel so depressed and low I can barely get out of bed. I cant stop ruminating and imagining him with someone else. Sometimes I still question him if hes moved on to someone else already and he just repeats how insecure I am and its none of my business. So much other stuff has happened but its just too long to write here. I hate what he has done to me and I worry for our unborn son.
P.s - his ex told him he's a narcissist, which I also believed before he even told me that. But then I question myself is he really? Or was I the difficult one who made him that way because everyone else adores him and he is lovely with them. But with me, he is so up and down which makes me feel like maybe I am just hyper sensitive or a horrible person myself because otherwise he would treat me like he treats everyone else?
Atm I am only communicating with him about the baby - names, logistics, splitting costs etc. but I have no idea what to do going forwards. I am so unbelieveably depressed and numb.
Long story short: pregnant with mind game playing situationship who abandoned me but wants to be in the childs life, yet wishes I aborted.