Loneliness

[LemonPie33]

I'm not really sure what I'm hoping to gain from this post other than just to get my feelings out. I'm 33 and have a 15 year old son. Me and my partner have recently found out we are expecting (2nd child for both and 1st together) but I have never felt so alone. My partner has been great in supporting me over our relationship but since the news of the pregnancy I feel a distance between us. He works shifts in a pub and has worked 4 nights already this week and has taken on another shift this evening plus he is working Christmas eve :(
I have tried to express how I feel so lonely going to bed alone so often and he just says "we need the money". I have been struggling quite alot with my mental health since the news and after a conversation with my partner yesterday, i have now had to accept medication which I am devastated about. I feel like I just can't get through to him how much this loneliness hurts. I understand that we are financially screwed at the moment (partly because of his debt he had before we got together) but am I really asking too much for not wanting to spend My evenings alone. Like I said I'm not here to 'bash' him. I just needed to express how I'm feeling in the hope of finding some support or helpful advice. Thank you for reading.

I understand. Sending virtual hugs! My husband works nights and I've felt the same. Logically I know he's providing us an income, emotionally though it is lonely. We get a precious few hours together before he has to sleep and I spend the majority of my time on my own, trying to occupy myself. Turns out, I'm pretty darn boring. My sleep hasn't been great as of late, thus the reply to this at 1:30am. I think pregnancy causes insecurities and a need to be close as possible to your partner, especially as you get closer to due date (mine is Feb 24) and its getting harder not having more time with him before the baby comes. Wishing you all the best.

Didn't want to read and run. Sounds like you're doing the right things - getting medication to help is a good step, a sensible and brave one, please don't be devastated about it. Pregnancy is a rollercoaster of hormones at the best of times. Your partner sounds like he is being sensible too regarding money. Are you feeling like your confidence has been knocked by being pregnant and his presence would be reassurring? If so, just tell him that. Is he excited enough in your opinion, about the pregnancy? Talk to him. Start that habit now. Just tell him how you feel and ask how he feels.

Have you texted friends? It's an odd time of year for meeting up but wishing someone happy Christmas is a good excuse to reconnect with ones you might have lost touch with. Force yourself to message one person a day.

I also recommend reading good books! Creates a whole world in your imagination and stops you spending too much time thinking about your own world. More so than TV even.

Happy Christmas OP!

Thank you for your reply, it really does mean alot.
I also find that I cannot sleep until he is home due to pub not having the best reputation (he had to give 4 statements for incidents in as many months 🙄)

He starts a new job in January but he misses the cut off date for January pay which is going to be a struggle, but in all honesty, I would much rather be broke and have him with me than the opposite.
I wish you all the best on the birth of your bundle of Joy x

Thank you so much for your reply 😊

So I was on meds before finding out about the pregnancy, but I'm devastated about having to go back on them due to the risks they carry, however I'm also very aware that if I'm not well then that also isn't good for the baby.
I do completely understand the financial side and we try to be as sensible as possible, and we both had an open chat yesterday to which essentially I was given an ultimatum. Source help or we separate, which I truly wasn't expecting. I feel when I try and open up I am met with coldness. He has been so supportive in the past of my mental health as he also has his troubles. I do know that he is terrified of something bad happening with the baby due to a previous loss for him in the past but I feel I Just can't get through to him at the moment. I feel like I am losing him when I need him the most 😔. I feel so selfish right now which isn't me generally as I'm always putting others first. But right now I need him and I've never felt further from him 😔 x

It's a shame an ultimatum was given. But is it wrong for him to ask you to find help? Is that something you feel comfortable doing? Perhaps he sees how your mood has dipped, how you are stressed with worry. In my experience my husband always suggests actions/things to do to make it better for me. Which can be helpful but not the emotional understanding I need. Yes I know logically that I have free time to relax and I could find a new hobby etc. But emotionally, I want your reassurance I'm not losing my mind and you still love me as I try and process this.

Men are very solution orientated from my experience. He sees you stressing about him working nights and how lonely you are feeling > he finds another job which makes pay slightly unstable until he starts to try and ease your worries > is OP still stressing about finances? I've tried to help? --> frustrated he gives you an ultimatum to try find help to see if that can help your anxiety. In his mind he's tried all he can to improve things and men tend to get a bit frustrated when they see a clear logical solution but we are still reacting emotionally. My husband asked me the other day if I was leaving him cos I was so miserable and depressed from loneliness and the massive gulf of distance I felt between us. He didn't want me to be unhappy and his brain went straight to I'm causing this thus he offered me a way out cos he cared more for my wellbeing than his feelings. Which is completely the wrong way I wanted his support. Told him so thoroughly after having a little breakdown thinking he was offering it because he wanted to leave.

Are you drawing on any other sources of support for your mental health apart from the medication?

If you're in a financial hole it's understandable that he is wanting to get in as many shifts as possible.

Are you working during the daytime?