Scared to tell my sister about my 3rd pregnancy as she is struggling to conceive her second child

[Toomanychoices123]

As the title suggests, I am worried about hurting her feelings. Not sure of the best way to do it. I have to spend Christmas with her and my mum. I haven’t told either of them but I feel awful. I’m only 7 weeks pregnant and wasn’t going to tell them until I have my 12 week scan but I am worried they will guess and it’ll ruin my sisters Christmas. She is struggling to conceive her second child. I just don’t want to upset anyone.

The mumsnet consensus is always to share these things by text and keep it light in the initial message. Any follow up messages, you could acknowledge her feelings if she shares any.

Hey. Both my sisters in law had to tell me they were pregnant just after I’d lost my first baby to miscarriage, after I’d also experienced infertility. What I found helpful was to have the news shared in a WhatsApp, acknowledging the sensitivity of it, but not presuming that I wouldn’t be happy for them. Then having space to process before replying. X

Thanks, I think you’re right that not face to face is best. I’ve been praying it will happen for her for such a long time but it just hasn’t. I feel so sad that I can’t relax. The fact that it’s Christmas just makes the whole situation worse.

Yes, tell them asap by text. You’re correct that if you say nothing and see them at xmas they will guess

Also agree tell her by text. She won't have to hide a hurt face that way. She'll want to be able to show her (presumably) genuine happiness for you and not have that overshadowed by a reaction she can't control on the spot

I would also say, I personally really didn’t like it when I felt the extended family weren’t rejoicing in other pregnancies because they were worried about how I’d feel - every new life is a blessing. X

Agree with all the previous posters - when my sister in law got pregnant shortly after my first miscarriage my brother told me in a text and said to let him know what I wanted him to share when, and that he would be led by me as to how much communication I wanted about their baby which meant a lot (they had the first grandchild in the family when I'd been struggling to have a baby and then miscarried after 2.5 years of trying).

I think what I’ll do is tell my mum when I see her just before Xmas. I won’t tell my sister until afterwards. It really would ruin her Christmas and it’s just not fair for her. She has been stressed for so long and I just want her to have a great time. Thanks everyone

If you think she’ll guess,‘I’d tell her by text in advance. That’s much more respectful than her suspecting it, especially if your mum knows. I had a MC this year and I’d be offended if someone avoided telling me they were pregnant. And the 12 week thing is so old fashioned in my opinion, it’s not like it’s magically all fine from then on, and assuming you’d tell them if you did have a MC

Exactly this. My tone deaf SIL was pestering me to urgently see me within a couple of weeks of my late miscarriage, I'd already seen something on Facebook that had popped up that made it clear she was pregnant again (I don't think she meant for this to happen at all), so I knew why she was hassling me. I ended up having to say to her, look, I get it, but I don't want to have a reaction that I'll regret so if you are pregnant, a message is fine, I am happy for you and we'll catch up soon.

As you can tell, I'm still pretty pissed off about it to this day, just her sheer determinedness when I was making myself SO unavailable, because I knew I'd struggle. I shouldn't have needed to be that to the point about it and it made me feel shitty because she couldn't read the room.

For various other related reasons, it's driven a wedge, not because I was jealous, I sincerely wasn't, but I am still pissed off at some of her attention seeking behaviours around that time that seemed to be pushed on me, that she took it out on me that she didn't feel she could be as attention seeking as she'd have liked out of some sort of duty bound sensitivity to me that I neither asked for nor bloody wanted.

If your sister knows that you were trying, or suspects that maybe you were thinking about conceiving again she'll be looking for signs all Christmas that you are pregnant and be torturing herself if she's not sure. It would be better to be up front and text her asap and acknowledge that you wanted to text her to give her time to process the news before you see her as you appreciate it might be difficult for her.

I’m so sorry to hear all of your stories about how hard it’s been for you ❤️ this is exactly what I’m trying to avoid. I think I will have to wait until after Christmas until I say anything to anyone. It’s only one day and there will be lots going on so I’m sure it’ll be able to hide it.

Also no one knows we were trying, we’ve kept it to ourselves as we didn’t know how it would be received by family

Hey @Toomanychoices123 how did it go for you? :)

This may sound cruel but the world doesn’t stop or change due to some one’s fertility. I say that as someone who’s been through fertility issues and loss. My issues didn’t mean all other females around me couldn’t have babies or enjoy good news. Please enjoy your great news and pregnancy x

Hi everyone, thanks for your replies. Unfortunately I found out that my sister was pregnant too but she was suffering a miscarriage. It was so awful for her to have to go through it, so needless to say, we struggled through the festivities and I didn’t mention anything. No one really noticed with everything that was going on. I think I’ll now wait until I’m 12 weeks and I’ve had my scan to tell anyone.

Just be kind when you do and prepare for her to get emotional. A baby is such a blessing and I'm sure she will be really happy. My SIL shared her pregnancy with me privately following a mc. I cried and she hugged me. I was able to say I was super happy but sad for my loss x