Not feeling maternal...first time mum to be

[hannahx94]

Hi all, first time posting so bare with me if I'm rambling! I'm 29 and my partner is 32. I found out 2 weeks ago that I'm around 6 weeks pregnant. This is my first pregnancy.

We were relying on tracking ovulation to avoid pregnancy (which obviously didn't work!), however we were planning on having a child next year after we got married, so decided to keep it.

My partner seems to be really excited. He's saying all the right things, talking about names etc. I on the other hand am absolutely petrified. I keep thinking about how much my life is going to change. How I'm going to cope mentally, physically etc. I'm worried about finances too, although my partner keeps reassuring me it will be fine. I'm not the most maternal person in the world, and this is also something that worries me. I see women on social media who seem so carefree and relaxed during pregnancy and seem already so in love with their unborn. Maybe it's because I'm so early and recently found out, but I feel the opposite, I feel scared, very overwhelmed and alone. Is this abnormal? I don't feel ready to talk to my partner about this right now as he seems so excited and I don't want to dampen this.

I think I needed to vent and see if anyone else has had similar feelings. Also any reassurance that it will all be okay when baby arrives 🥺

Totally normal and I felt exactly the same! It's okay not to be excited, after all it is the most life changing thing that will ever happen to you.

I didn't have any bond with my daughter until I saw her and then it all changed. I'll tell you not to worry but then I know I didn't stop worrying until my daughter was here! (Both times)

Well, as with any big change there’s excitement and wonder as to what will happen, and sadness About the life you are losing..as you know there is change coming.. and birth and newborns are not a walk in the park.. I was like you.. and I didn’t get a gush when baby was born handed to me.. but I recovered from labour, and looked after her, and by 3-4 months loved her to bits.. it’s a big change.. I think you’re a realist, but in time your baby will bring you joy.. and don’t be afraid to get help if you need it..

I had a baby that was fully wanted and planned. But as a FTM when you have no idea what is going to be like I feel like it's only natural to not feel all soppy and cushy towards what is currently essentially a collection of cells! Even when baby is born you don't have a massive rush of feelings and love (for me anyways) but grows over time while you get to know this absolutely amazing human you have been lucky enough to create.

The fact that you have worries and concerns about how things will go show that you are already being maternal and caring to your unborn child, it's just it looks a little different to what the films portray. Some people are different and have that spark from the get go but from talking to other mums I personally don't feel it's the common way to feel.

Congratulations on your next new exciting step in in life. There's so much negativity on how hard being a parent is (which it is) but it is also one of the best things that can happen to you in life 🥰

You're so early in pregnancy, and honestly, a long way to go. I'd be stopping any talk of names etc, and make sure your partner is aware that being pregnant doesn't necessarily mean you'll have a baby. But what you're feeling is totally normal.

Important to remember your partners life hasn’t changed yet- it’s all dreamy to him. As a woman your life has unexpectedly changed, you don’t need to wait 9months for reality to hit you because you carry the child. You’re completely normal and I really wouldn’t worry.

Why would you be ‘in love with’ something that is a minuscule bundle of cells?

That aside, do you actually want to continue this pregnancy? That seems to me the key question here.

I could have written this- least maternal person in the world before I had my baby and was worried about being a terrible mum. When I had her though something just clicked and I would say that I'm so maternal and loving with her. You'll probably find you're the same when you have yours. Huge congratulations!

I never got the whole talking to bump thing, didn't have any feelings (beyond excitement / nerves - but not to the child themselves) until after birth.
Even when the baby was immediately born I didn't get that love at first sight thing people talk about. They are hard work at first, just eat, cry and sleep and it takes a while to bond. I didn't have PND and I love my kids to bits now (even more so as they grow up and have little personalities), so I think these are completely normal feelings. I remember the midwife insisting that I talk to my newborn but I had no idea what to say!

I think it’s normal and fine and it’s scary
and him being excited doesn’t mean anything, it’s not his body, he’s not facing the symptoms, the experience and child birth. Then once the baby is here it’s not his career and body that will change, he doesn’t have to consider breast feeding and statistically it’s not him that will be the primary carer. So him being excited, really just means he’s thinking about lots of lovely things and non of the difficulty - all of which is yours to face!
just to be clear I’m not saying it’s not hard for men, but realistically it’s no where near as difficult and many of them opt out of the more trying bits, something women have less or no choice in.

i think he should be being more considerate and checking on you and how you feel and aware that it’s not the same for you, it’s quite selfish of him if he’s not doing that

the next thing is just because he’s excited and just because you were going to have a baby in a year or two anyway, You don’t have to have this one now if you don’t want to, that’s a perfectly valid decision if you’re worried about.

finally if you are going to go ahead please don’t worry, you will love the baby once it’s a baby and it’s here. Even if you don’t get that rush of love instantly give it a few days weeks months and you will feel it. It’s ok not to be the most maternal and remember what you’re seeing on social media is the highlights, not the real feelings and every day experiences they’re going through