Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

Flip

Original poster

Need help MIL and Social media

21 replies

kwarr24 · 17/12/2023 09:57

Hi all!!

I am currently 39 weeks pregnant and me and my partner have kept the pregnancy private only telling family and close friends we have made the decision to keep everything off social media, I'm 26 he is 23 he doesn't have Facebook and uses instagram to watch reels but never posts and I haven't posted anything on social media since early last year.

I have chosen not to share my pregnancy publicly however my MIL keeps asking to post things on Facebook and wants to do an announcement post the minute he is born I really don't want this, am I selfish? I don't want him on social media and I defo don't want people to find out on Facebook via my mil before people actually know about his arrival, I have spoken to my partner he agrees with me however he said after a few weeks let her post him, I know once she's posted him once she will post him all the time. As harmless as this sounds she has been pretty toxic throughout the pregnancy and they didn't show interest until about 17 weeks - following that they caused a huge row when I was 6 months and I have only recently seen and spoken to them. His MIL is quite fake and a people pleaser I just don't want my son all over social media. How do I go about this and am I being unfair on her?

Anyone had this problem?

Thank you x

OP posts:

OopsieeDaisy · 17/12/2023 10:25

You’re not being unfair on her at all. It’s your decision that you want to keep your child off social media and she should respect that. Just explain to her that first of all, you don’t want people to find out via her posting on social media, and secondly you don’t feel comfortable with anything at all being posted for the time being and will let her know if you change your mind.

shininglight16 · 17/12/2023 10:43

I'm having this exact same issue. I have never liked posting photos on social media as I'm a very private person. MIL is a big show off, fake and people pleaser, she doesn't give a damn about my feelings. She and FIL both were so damn eager to announce my pregnancy and subsequently post photos of my newborn on WhatsApp groups, without seeking my permission. DH says why do they need to seek permission, she's their granddaughter too.

I'm at a loss, I really hate the in-laws discussing everything about my life with others.

Olika · 17/12/2023 10:45

You are not unfair at all. You need to make it clear from now what you want as the parents and your MIL needs to follow that. If you don't lay down the rules now, you will be having issues with her forever. You make the rules!

Original poster

kwarr24 · 17/12/2023 10:46

Thank you both! See I'm in the exact same position after this pregnancy it has completely changed my feelings towards them, his mum is the EXACT same! It's such a shame cause we really got on for the years before but since being pregnant she's very jealous and fake, it's caused such an uproar and subsequently kind of ruined my first pregnancy! I just don't feel like they will have the respect to respect my wishes. That's exactly the same as me! I like to be private and low key don't like a fuss and she is polar opposite and has a good way of making everything about her!

OP posts:

shininglight16 · 17/12/2023 10:55

Sorry OP, sounds like my MIL. Super fake and jealous. I never liked her right since the beginning. You need to set boundaries before it gets too late. DH needs to intervene, I'm having issues with mine as he won't stand up to this.

Original poster

kwarr24 · 17/12/2023 11:00

My DH has only recently started to see my points since around 6 months he has had my back but I'm worried he will end up feeling as for her she can be quite manipulative and pulls crocodile tears a lot I have already made my feelings clear and I got met with them saying to my DH it was strange me not wanting to post anything as if I was hiding something lol which I am not of course just don't want little man on socials it's really not that hard lol x

OP posts:

shininglight16 · 17/12/2023 11:47

OP, it looks like your MIL and mine are sisters. My MIL does the same thing, manipulate and shed crocodile tears. It always works with DH. She knows how to play games, I despise her to the core.

I wish I could help you, but I'm at a loss. These people from my experience never change. She will keep doing it and dismissing your boundaries and feelings just because a) she feels it is her right to post her grandchild's photo and who are we to object to that? b) these women live only to please others and show others how amazing their lives and kids lives are. My MIL has ZERO money as in, she lost her home to gambling and has no savings. Yet, she wants to show the world how well off she is, living in her kids homes, taking money from them to buy branded bags, shoes etc. She carries a MK bag and wears the same shoes to show the world, but in reality, she has nothing. She's an empty vessel.

It has become increasingly difficult for me to be around DH as he's always defending his family. I am sad and may end up breaking up my relationship as a lot of things have affected me in his family.

Please, please make sure DH understands you and puts an end to this nonsense. At worst, you will need to stop sharing your child's photos with her or anyone else.

Chewbecca · 17/12/2023 11:52

I feel a bit sorry for your MIL. She is probably excited to be a grandparent and social media is how she shares her life news with her friends. There is nothing inherently bad about that. Is there any compromise you would be willing to make? for example a post when baby is one week old with no pics?
She is likely to want to be 'on your side' as your child's GP, keeping good relationships in families is a good thing, driving a wedge between her and her son isn't likely to bring happiness to anyone in the situation.

MikeRafone · 17/12/2023 11:57

If you’re serious about not having photographs on SM then it’s a blanket ban on photographs for everyone.

Itll be the only way you can police it and fairly. Anyone could put a photograph they own on SM

so to stop that happening it’s a no photographs and then MIL doesn’t have the photo to put up

tbh I’d be upset by a blanket ban on photographs but it’s your choice how you handle this

HiCandles · 17/12/2023 11:59

I think in today's modern world it is perfectly reasonable to keep your child off social media. These photos will be around forever and the child is unable to consent to their image being shared until they reach, say, 14/16, just as in the medical world (which I work in) children can't give informed consent under this age because they just don't have the capacity to understand what they are agreeing to.
I had this plan when my eldest was born and although DH and I have relaxed it a little with a select few photos, we are extremely selective about who they are shared with.
We told family that it was a blanket no unless one of us parents had specifically ok'ed each and every picture and made it clear that in general it would be a no. Tbh they are not big ones for social media anyway so I do appreciate that it was much easier for us.
Had an issue with a friend thinking it was ok to just take and share pics of meetups on her FB page, I was horrified to see my baby pop on on my feed! Made it clear next time I saw her that we don't post pics of baby online and she had literally no clue why anyone would have a problem, just bewildering.

HiCandles · 17/12/2023 12:02

I agree with other posters though that she is probably very excited. Maybe you could compromise on her sharing his photo via WhatsApp groups and messages instead of Facebook? I know my mum loves to send pics of her grandchildren to her friends and I don't see WhatsApp as having the same public issues as FB/IG etc.

CrispsandCheeseSandwich · 17/12/2023 12:07

Are you objecting to her posting at all, or to her posting a picture?

I think a post (once everyone who you want to tell in person knows) would be fine.
I can totally understand why you don't want pictures, and I'd be saying that if she posts pictures, she just won't get sent anymore pictures.

MikeRafone · 17/12/2023 12:13

CrispsandCheeseSandwich · 17/12/2023 12:07

Are you objecting to her posting at all, or to her posting a picture?

You can’t control someone else’s posts on SM it’s free speech.

what you can control is images by not allowing them.

That said, it’d be pretty bad firm for someone else to be announcing the arrival of a baby the minute they were born - other than the parents

IWillBeWaxingAnOwl · 17/12/2023 14:18

There are many good reasons to not post images of your child / details about them on social media. This rule has to be for everyone if that's the way you want to go ahead.

We don't post any images of our little one online nor details etc name, DOB etc.

Original poster

kwarr24 · 17/12/2023 15:38

Just to clarify in no way do I disagree with it coming from a place of happiness and excitement, and I have no intentions of driving a wedge between myself and them or them and my partner however she attempted to post a private video of my belly that my partner had sent across of the baby kicking without asking my permission which was a little inappropriate considering I was in a maternity bra and I hadn't agreed to it, also another thing is her Facebook is public and not private I have attempted to compromise and have said she can post an announcement when all the appropriate people know and I have just asked if she posts a photo not to include his face unless she makes her account private as this means anyone can see him and I'm not comfortable with that - she doesn't see why this is an issue for me and still isn't willing to compromise so it's hard to feel sympathetic towards her when she won't meet me half way in what I wish for my child, my partner also feels the same about social media and would rather her profile be private. I have no issue with her sharing photos privately amongst her friends via WhatsApp I just don't want him on such a public platform x

OP posts:

Original poster

kwarr24 · 17/12/2023 15:42

Also just to add I have made this rule for everybody I haven't singled her out and my family and friends have been happy to accept my wishes, even with my baby shower I requested nothing was posted as I haven't publicly announced anything myself, it's also a safety concern as I have had issues in the past with a stalker which is a whole other story but I currently hold an active restraining order against this person and I worry for my safety my sons and my partners. This said stalker is just a man who I saw in Tesco car park one day I had never met of spoke to him in my life and it turned into a whole ordeal. She knows this too but still doesn't want to compromise and feels I'm being unfair x

OP posts:

GreatGateauxsby · 17/12/2023 15:58

In general terms - This just isn't a hill I'd die on and lots of people are way too precious about this.

I have a somewhat difficult MIL. She just wants to take pics and pose and isn't very hands on but it makes her happy to pretend she's grandmothe of the year so I let her crack on with this kind of crap.

Given your drip feed update about the stalker (I had issues with this in my 20s and understand entirely. Mine is thankfully now deceased.)
I think you or your partner should explain again in full the scenario and the importance and implications to your MIL (ie she is putting her GC at risk as well as you) and advise that for security reasons she cannot do this.

If she continues I would come down on this fairly harshly.
I would allow her to visit but confiscate her phone and would share no photos with her.*

*Others might think this is extreme.
my views are due to my experience of being stalked. I literally wet myself in a supermarket the last time I saw him. Then had a panic attack... Which was made worse when I left and saw he'd somehow managed to park his car OPPOSITE mine. 😱

elliejjtiny · 17/12/2023 15:58

Yanbu. I completely understand. My mil doesn't share photos but she will tell people inaccurate information which I find really annoying. Ds4 had to have a benign tumour removed so she told everyone who would listen that he had cancer. She told people that dn had something that sounds a bit like what she actually has but means something totally different (e.g. Psychosis instead of Psoriasis but not that)

shininglight16 · 17/12/2023 22:45

elliejjtiny · 17/12/2023 15:58

I know how it feels. My daughter had COVID plus a really bad skin infection which caused swelling. She was admitted in hospital for 10 days. We didn't tell her about COVID because we knew she'd tell the world and pass remarks such as 'my DIL is careless she must have caught it from her ' just to put me down. The skin infection, sadly, DH told her about since she would video call and saw that we were in hospital. She kept going on and on about it, asking how DD caught the infection and trying to dig all the details from me. She has criticized me since day 1 and will always blame me of anything goes wrong. She claims her son is perfect (he's no where close to it) but in her eyes he can do no wrong and I'm not the bad one.

MIL's like her should be put in their place.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 17/12/2023 23:24

Yanbu. But Yabu to expect her to like your boundary when she is such an over sharer. I think your compromise sounds great and I would keep repeating that

AllTheNaps · 18/12/2023 06:07

YANBU at all. She should respect your boundaries so just make yourself very clear.
My MIL very similar when we first had DD 6 years ago. She massively over shared everything anyway but decided to delete her Facebook as she apparently 'couldn't trust herself'. She has our kids photos as her profile photo on WhatsApp now but that's not an argument worth starting. She likes to make out she's a hands on grandparent when it's all to blow smoke up her own arse so we leave her to it

Flip