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Original poster

Help with telling an ex partner?

12 replies

Bethers94 · 16/12/2023 12:53

I'm 8 weeks pregnant, my partner has a 6 year old child from a previous relationship and they do not get on. All communication goes through me, she will not entertain a conversation with him atall. We have his daughter every weekend and during the holidays, we do all the travelling picking her up from school, dropping her off etc. It's easily 70 mile round trip (takes us 2 hours to pick her up from school and get home).
Any ideas on how we tell her? And how we ask to start sharing the responsibility of the travelling? We have tried previously and she spun into a rage about how we were just trying to control and manipulate the situation.
Also, does anyone anyone have any insight on how telling his little girl will go? We're worried she will start to feel left out as she lives with her mum but her mum doesn't spend much time with her, her mums parents seem to be raising her most of the time and we have lots of meltdowns about how she doesn't see mummy, mummy doesn't spend time with her etc. And we're both just so concerned she's going to feel pushed out 😩

OP posts:
Luxell934 · 16/12/2023 18:28

So do you mean you and your partner pick her up from school on the Friday and then drop her off on the Monday?

Blueuggboots · 16/12/2023 18:35

I would wait until you're more than 12 weeks before you say anything.

Why do you need to tell her mum? Certainly tell her but I wouldn't be announcing it to his ex.

Why does the communication go through you? I'd be more worried about having a baby with a man who cannot manage to co-parent!!!

BoohooWoohoo · 16/12/2023 18:42

Do you want to change how often you see her? If you’re keeping things the same then hopefully she will be reassured that things are stable (at least with her dad and you)

Has your partner considered getting a Child Arrangement Order and have it written down legally which journeys must be done by mum?

LizHoney · 16/12/2023 19:17

Blueuggboots · 16/12/2023 18:35

I would wait until you're more than 12 weeks before you say anything.

Why do you need to tell her mum? Certainly tell her but I wouldn't be announcing it to his ex.

Why does the communication go through you? I'd be more worried about having a baby with a man who cannot manage to co-parent!!!

I wouldn't be taking any advice from this PP if her idea of co-parenting is letting DD break huge news that will be such a change for everyone.

Of course you need to tell ex directly. I'd ring her once you've told DD and before she goes back to her mum so you can explain how you communicated it and ask that the same messaging be continued there.

Leave logistics a few months, it's clearly going to be problematic given past reaction, but let DD get excited about a new sibling before ructions start.

Blueuggboots · 16/12/2023 19:19

I didn’t say the little girl should tell her??

Original poster
Bethers94 · 16/12/2023 20:28

We pick her up from school on a Friday and take her home Sunday evening, it's over an hour journey in traffic and we don't think it's fair to get her up unnecessary early for school when her mum lives 5 minutes away from the school.

OP posts:
vanillaredbushtea · 16/12/2023 20:30

I would start the shared trips before you mention the baby

Original poster
Bethers94 · 16/12/2023 20:39

It's on her, rather than him. He's tried meditation and she refused to go. She says he's trying to control everything and refuses to talk to him, so we just left it that I do the communicating.
We don't want to change how often we see her, if we weren't so far away with school, we'd split the time equally but it just doesn't work. We discussed a child arrangement order with his ex and she outright refused the idea and just says I'll see you in court 🥴 communication is almost impossible unless it's benefiting her.
We're just so worried that once the excitement wears off of being a big sister, although she has consistency and stability with us she's going to feel left out or that her mum will be spiteful and try and poison her

OP posts:
TomatoSandwiches · 16/12/2023 20:44

Who moved away from whom?

PurpleBugz · 16/12/2023 21:06

Who moved away?

Your partner can still collfrom school on the Friday regardless of baby. And if it's an hour drive he could drop her to school Monday morning if mum won't accept a handover from him Sunday. Alternatively he could handover to a third party local to mum on the Sunday.

If child is at school and every weekend with you she has no qualities with her mum! Why do you have every weekend? Maybe speak to mum about what the little girl has said and move to every other weekend

Pumpkindoodles · 16/12/2023 21:30

Who moved away?
I do think it’s a shame his daughter isn’t seeing him or her mum through the week. if my child was crying about that I’m not sure I could just leave it.
If it’s less than an hour, I’d probably just get on with it, DH can do it you don’t both have to go.
but if you want to change the arrangement definitely do it before you tell her you’re pregnant.

Original poster
Bethers94 · 16/12/2023 21:42

Nobody moved, they met on a night out in a city between them both and dated for a few months before she got pregnant, split up shortly after she was born.
We have had several chats with her about doing alternate weekends, to which we get back she just needs to get used to the fact she spends weekends at yours / I'll make it up to her I feel so guilty.. and then there might be once a month we take her home at lunch time on a Sunday and she spends the afternoon with her.
I think we're just at a point where we've done it for thr past 3 years and feel like she should start meeting us in the middle and not expect us to do it all

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