Telling family and the holidays

[kat167]

Hello ☺️
I recently found out I'm pregnant, 5 weeks, and I'm a bit worried about the holidays and telling family.

At first, I wasn't too concerned but for some reason I've sort of gone down the rabbit hole lately about all the things that could go wrong. I have a dating scan scheduled for January 2nd, when I should be at 8 weeks. I would have loved to have been able to have the scan before family arriving, but I was worried that at 6 weeks it would still be too early and cause more stress if they can't see much.

DH's family are all coming to ours for Christmas, and there is no way we will be able to hide it with all the dietary restrictions and me not drinking. I'm a bad liar and not really keen on lying either, so we know we will need to tell his siblings and their partners.

I was just hoping for some reassurance from others, I suppose.

What dietary restrictions?

For the drinking - just pour lime and soda and say it has vodka in? Or say you are getting a jump on Dry Jan and wanted to challenge yourself more by including Christmas in it?

I just told anyone whenever it came up. Lots of people asked me at a wedding when I was 8 weeks why I wasn't drinking so I answered. Just caveated it saying it was early days so anything could happen.

Never made a big announcement, I just took the attitude of not bringing it up but not lying either to keep it low key.. Except with parents and siblings who I just told as soon as I knew anyway. But again, with the early days so it might not work out caveat.

As it happened my first did become a miscarriage but I kept the same attitude of not trying to make it a secret the next two times.

I'd only tell people I would also tell about a miscarriage or abortion due to abnormalities. Sorry to sound bleak about it, but that's the main reason why people keep news back. The riskiest time for pregnancies is the first trimester.

If people are at yours for Xmas, it's easy to avoid dietary restrictions. Unless your family tradition for Christmas dinner is unpasteurised cheese with slabs of shark meat. You can just avoid serving anything that's off the menu, xmas dinner is fine.

Re drinks, pour yours in the kitchen and have something that looks like a spritzer or vodka and tonic or something. You're overthinking it, no one will be that interested in what you're drinking or eating.

@SecondUsername4me My in laws are French, so holidays are tons of champagne. And a lot of unpasteurized cheeses and charcuterie.

We went over to my PILs the other day for lunch and the starter had day-old homemade mayo (raw egg) and the main dish was also supposed to have raw egg added right before serving but we told them the news so MIL didn't add the egg 😂

I didn't tell anyone until I was 19 weeks, and was not drinking and avoiding caffeine and unpasteurised cheese etc right through Christmas. No one noticed, despite me also being quite nauseated. I just tended to have a glass of wine in my hand at times when I would normally have had a glass of wine. I would just pour it into DH's or into the sink at intervals. It's really not difficult. I certainly wouldn't tell people just because of that.

But if they are coming to your house, then just make sure there is plenty in that you can eat.

Off topic, but if you're in the UK, raw egg is fine so long as it's got the lion stamp. 😀

@NoCloudsAllowed I would want to tell them if something bad happened, definitely. I think my fears are more about being scared to be happy because I don't want to be disappointed.

Which isn't really rational but the again fear rarely is

I told my close circle by 5 weeks. I would have wanted their support if things had gone wrong, so there was no reason to keep the news quiet. I even told my boss, since I was so unwell.

@DappledThings Thanks for you input, and sorry about your first!

I like your attitude. I think it's similar to how I saw things, which is that I didn't really want to lie or anything. I saw a friend the other night and was only planning to say something if it came up, but she didn't really notice anything off with me (to be fair, she's got a lot going on so I think she was a bit distracted!

We told both sets of parents already. I knew I wanted to be able to talk to my mom and I didn't want to muffle my joy because something could go wrong. It's just that lately the fear has started to set in, I guess.

@Pavane Thanks for your comment!

Yeah, for Christmas we are just going to be with DH's siblings and parents, so we were planning to let them know. But we are having a big get together with cousins, aunts, uncle, etc and don't plan on telling them yet. DH is very worried people will notice me not drinking, and I've tried reassuring him that they won't because they'll be so busy they won't be paying attention. And if somebody hands me a glass He's not convinced though.

Just carry a glass round with you and when dhs drink gets a bit low, swap glasses.

What dietary restrictions? Only the NHS advice to avoid a very few things, easy to do. I told quite a few family and friends early on, I hadn't had a scan. I then had a loss at 11 weeks. I am really pleased I did tell them - it actually make it much easier to tell them about the loss, and I appreciated them knowing. I personally think the not telling is very old fashioned and almost a form of misogyny, like no one wants to know about something devastating that happens to a woman.

It was utterly easy, and I had a few big family occasions (parents' 40th wedding anniversary, a wedding etc) in the first half of my pregnancy when I'd told no one (because it wasn't clear whether I would be able to continue the pregnancy), AND was feeling pretty nauseous. Just having a glass in your hand where the liquid level isn't obviously the same all evening, and/or having a tonic without the gin is very straightforward.

I never understand all the hysteria on here about being seen not to be drinking. Saying you're on antibiotics is like wearing a Tshirt that says 'I'm up the duff, everyone', but no one is actually going to follow you about monitoring you actually swallowing alcohol.

So you're spending Xmas with the in laws. You've already told the in laws, so just tell the siblings, caveated by it's very early days so we're trying to keep it on the down low and won't be announcing at the party, to make sure they don't tell.

What's your usual drink?

What about your parents and sibs? I wouldn't want to tell one without the other so again I'd tell them, but ask them not to tell anyone else.

If the worst happens, you'll want their support anyway

@SleepingStandingUp my parents know!

I've got a complicated relationship with my brother, so not yet sure when/how I'll tell him. I'm just gonna go by feeling. We don't live near one another so we don't see each other much.

I never understood not telling people for weeks in case of a miscarriage. In the event of a miscarriage I would want the support of my family and friends. I told everyone about my pregnancies on the day I found out. Doing otherwise just foments unnecessary drama.

@Daisies12

Not being able to unpasteurized cheeses, oysters, charcuterie, undercooked meat, anything with raw egg. From the UK but married a Frenchie and we ended up moving to France. I'm not sure if the suggestions here are different, but the midwife said I had to stay away from all of those and it's all the traditional Christmas foods here.

I agree with you about the hubbub about not telling people. It seems like it tries to push aside any inconvenient émotions from women, like don't ask don't tell. DH is the opposite though. He said he would have preferred until later to tell his siblings if it weren't for Christmas.

I'm sorry about your loss! Glad you were able to have support at that time ❤️

Having had 2 pregnancies and 2 losses at 10-11 weeks I was glad both times that people knew and I had a strong support network around me. The second more people actually knew. I didn't want to keep it a secret and being honest to me not telling anyone in the first 12 weeks is more for other people and making sure they don't feel awkward! Clearly you don't want to tell people you wouldn't want to then have a conversation with about a loss but I wouldn't be afraid of telling people in the first 12 weeks.

Like a previous poster, I caveated it with saying it was early days and anything could happen, and asking not for congratulations at that stage (on my second pregnancy) because I didn't feel it was appropriate.

I am in a similar boat and I am telling close people. The reason being, telling them won't mean you do/don't miscarry. Additionally, you would want the support of them if anything went wrong. I'd just do it however you think you'd like most - I am doing a little announcement at Xmas to my parents. I will be 7 weeks.

I didn't tell most people and miscarried, but then told people that so didn't really change anything.

Subsequent pregnancies I just told people when I saw them.

Pregnancy loss can be very lonely and something that helped me massively was a sudden upsurge in people I knew but didn't live near. talking about their own experiences online. It made me feel less alone and realise that I don't agree with the reasons for not talking about it. with regards to friends and family anyway.

I never did big social media posts or anything, many people were stunned to realise I had kids S I only told people I saw. but I didn't hide from people I was with.