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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

Original poster

Husband doesn't seem interested

27 replies

MrsTosh87 · 12/12/2023 20:02

28 wks ftm. My husband doesn't seem interested in the baby. He said he finds it weird to rub my stomach. He happily paid towards things for the baby, but didn't help with any purchases/ideas. He doesn't talk about the baby. Is this normal? It's really starting to get to me that he's taking no interest. He's also pointing out that I space out a lot and seems to get a bit resentful I can't play video games for long like I used to. I'm a little bit worried. He's backed off on initiating hugs and kisses. And prefers to sit away from me. I've asked him if he still wants our baby, and he says he does. I cant help but read into his behaviour as him not being as happy with this pregnancy as I am.

OP posts:
pictoosh · 12/12/2023 20:16

Well it could be something and it might be nothing.
I think men rubbing their pregnant wife's stomach is only something that happens on tv.
The only bit that concerns me is that he's resentful that you don't want to game. Your time is your own, pregnant or not.

Original poster
MrsTosh87 · 12/12/2023 20:23

@pictoosh yeah I have tried to say that I find it hard to concentrate and staying in one position for a long time is hard for me due to the baby. So he just stares at me and says he's bored now. I honestly don't know what to do about it. I have said he's fine to play games himself or whatever but I just get stared at, like im broken. I just want to nap and get comfy.

OP posts:
alwaysthinkingaboutfood31 · 12/12/2023 20:27

My DH was much the same.occasionally he would bring up the baby in conversation and he was very concerned for my health, but he admitted that he stopped seeing me sexually, so the physical intimacy took a nosedive. I desperately wanted him to take initiative in reading parenting books etc, but he just couldn’t get as excited as me. But as soon as the baby was here, he totally fell in love with her, and the physical intimacy has returned.

Pumpkindoodles · 12/12/2023 20:31

I do think it’s harder for men to ‘bond’ at that point. It’s just such an abstract concept. However the staring at you and communicating weird and complaining about gaming is super off and screams immaturity and a lack of care for you. I’d be worried about that.

Original poster
MrsTosh87 · 12/12/2023 20:44

Thanks everyone for your replies. I know I've not been on top form lately, but maybe once I'm back to being able to help out more/be present more things will get better.

OP posts:
pictoosh · 12/12/2023 20:53

I don't mean to be flippant here but YOU will be needing help as well as being LESS present as your pregnancy progresses and your baby arrives. He's as well to get used to pitching in and giving you a break now...as good dads and partners do.

Whataretheodds · 12/12/2023 20:55

Are you doing any antenatal classes together?

Original poster
MrsTosh87 · 12/12/2023 20:59

@Whataretheodds no, he wasn't interested. Says he will youtube what he doesn't know. I have some prior experience having looked after my niece for the first year of her life, plus my mum says she will support me any way I need.

OP posts:
Olika · 12/12/2023 21:01

I think it's more difficult for men to get the pregnancy as they are not the ones physically carrying the baby, it's less concrete to them. I could see my DH didn't find talking about it as interesting as I did. However he was always supportive and treated me with respect which I am not getting from your post. Could you maybe have a chat with him and share how he is making you feel? You two are a team so both of you should be going through this journey together.

Leafysuburb · 12/12/2023 21:05

It's hard for men to get interested before baby is here because it's not their reality every moment of the day like it is when the baby is growing inside you.

BUT he needs to start realising that there won't be any gaming soon, it could well be pacing the living room every night for 6 months with a screaming baby, having to clean and wash clothes because you've been breastfeeding all day, taking the baby so you can have a shower in peace etc. He hasn't got long to start to shift his thinking.

On the plus side I would decide the names on my own and he doesn't get a say if he can't be bothered.

Whataretheodds · 12/12/2023 21:07

I'm sorry he's been so disengaged. I don't know what is the best approach. He needs a wake-up call. Ideally from someone other than you. Does he have any siblings or friends with kids who might give him a kick up the arse. I agree with @pictoosh this is NOT on you: he was grown up enough to make the baby.

Original poster
MrsTosh87 · 12/12/2023 21:08

@Olika I try however he gets very defensive when I try and say how I'm feeling. "No matter what I do its still not good enough". He asked me a few days ago if I was going to leave him after trying to engage him in a conversation about how I felt. I said no, he asked if I had thought about it. I said no. Then he dropped the conversation and silence descended. Didnt have the emotional fortitude to ask him if he wanted to leave/thought about leaving.

OP posts:
Foxblue · 12/12/2023 21:10

How old are you OP, how long have you been together, was the baby planned?

Original poster
MrsTosh87 · 12/12/2023 21:15

@Whataretheodds yeah but it's not that kind of friendship where I can approach his friend. His other friend has just found out his gf is expecting and his reaction to that was poor guy she's going to ruin him. 😔 it's been a while since he's been attentive and want to put effort in. I dont want to give up on him, I just want him to understand that I need a bit more, especially when the baby comes. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared about my recovery afterwards and not getting the help from him I require. Even asking him now to do chores, ends up in a standoff. Until I go to do it myself and then he takes over and goes off for a smoke.

OP posts:
LaurieStrode · 12/12/2023 21:16

MrsTosh87 · 12/12/2023 21:08

@Olika I try however he gets very defensive when I try and say how I'm feeling. "No matter what I do its still not good enough". He asked me a few days ago if I was going to leave him after trying to engage him in a conversation about how I felt. I said no, he asked if I had thought about it. I said no. Then he dropped the conversation and silence descended. Didnt have the emotional fortitude to ask him if he wanted to leave/thought about leaving.

This is concerning. Gaming, etc., he sounds super immature.

Olika · 12/12/2023 21:17

How about you try to tell him how being pregnant is influencing you and how he can support you? It sounds like he is taking it personally and thinks you are withdrawing from him (and leaving him) but in reality it's just about being pregnant and how it changes so many things for us women.

Original poster
MrsTosh87 · 12/12/2023 21:17

@Foxblue I'm 29, my husband is 31. We've been together since school on and off. Then solidly for 7 years in out adulthood. About 13 years in total. The baby was planned. I wanted one sooner but he set the stipulation of waiting till he's 30.

OP posts:
TeenagersAngst · 12/12/2023 21:19

Unless he does a complete 360 when the baby is born, this unfortunately sounds like a guy who will be totally hands off and leave you to do all the work.

Whataretheodds · 12/12/2023 21:19

OK in that case you need a Come to Jesus chat with him.

If he carries on like this he'll be worse than no help when the baby arrives - he'll be a millstone round your neck, moaning, not cleaning up after himself and generally causing emotional stress when you will need all your energy and focus on the baby, then you.

  1. do you have any relatives or friends you can lean on for practical and emotional support from now, through birth and the first few months?
  2. I would suggest going to an antenatal class yourself even if he's not interested. You'll gain a network
  3. give him an ultimatum: shape up or ship out.
Original poster
MrsTosh87 · 12/12/2023 21:21

@Olika I will try again. X

OP posts:
Original poster
MrsTosh87 · 12/12/2023 21:26

@Whataretheodds I have my mum who is more than happy to help out and has said so countless times. So if things don't work out I know I can count on her. I will look at seeing if there's any antenatal classes near me to go to. I dont like giving ultimatums, perhaps foolishly I'm hoping that once the baby is born there will be a big epiphany. However, if there is not then perhaps the ultimatum would be given then. My baby is desperately wanted by myself, if I feel like he won't be helpful or create a positive environment for the baby then the baby comes first and ill be making my decisions based on that.

OP posts:
happeemom · 12/12/2023 21:28

My partner acted similar to your dh when i was pregnant, it made me feel so sad. When baby kicked I used to get so excited and say look look he would fake smile for a second and then look away , I definitely questioned a lot of things , he always said it just didn't feel real yet .

Baby is now 5 months , my partner loves and adores the bones of our baby! And everything I worried about during pregnancy regarding partner doesn't exist now thankfully!

Original poster
MrsTosh87 · 12/12/2023 21:29

@happhappeemom oh that's so lovely to hear! I'm hoping for such an outcome. Just hard at the moment as you've said, it hurts at the moment. But I guess it's just a foreign concept to husband until the baby is here.

OP posts:
Pumpkindoodles · 12/12/2023 21:30

If he’s rude to you now, sulky and not contributing, then it’s only going to get worse when you have less attention to give him, when you’re more tired and when you’re more stressed (and resentful)
clearly he won’t be helping with the baby or round the house or doing much for you, but he’ll still be one more mouth to feed, one more person to clean up after and he’ll be bringing a bad atmosphere on top of that.
figure out what he is contributing, if it’s equal to what you do / will do, and if he’s worth having around. He’s clearly not offering any emotional or physical support.
dh definitely doesn’t care about my pregnancy as much as I do, how could he, he’s not experiencing it, but he’s understanding, let’s me talk, asks how he can help and is doing more around the house than me because I’m so tired, as well as things like making sure I’m drinking enough water and that I’ve eaten something. Not being quite as invested in the baby is not an excuse for being unsupportive. Your dh sounds incredibly selfish and immature.

pictoosh · 12/12/2023 21:37

MrsTosh87 · 12/12/2023 21:08

@Olika I try however he gets very defensive when I try and say how I'm feeling. "No matter what I do its still not good enough". He asked me a few days ago if I was going to leave him after trying to engage him in a conversation about how I felt. I said no, he asked if I had thought about it. I said no. Then he dropped the conversation and silence descended. Didnt have the emotional fortitude to ask him if he wanted to leave/thought about leaving.

You see, you think he's worried that you'll leave him. He's not, he's just confirming that you won't, even though you're unhappy. You agreed.

Now that you're tied to him, he can stop making an effort.

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