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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

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Original poster

Friend made no effort with my pregnancy/baby and is now pregnant

16 replies

Babybabybaby3 · 08/12/2023 14:56

As soon as any friends are pregnant or have a newborn I am always the first to show such an interest, send them texts asking how they are, buy a lovely gift etc. However I had my little one 6 months ago and while I was pregnant my friend didn’t send me a single text asking how I was from the moment I told her I was pregnant. When my baby was born she didn’t ask either and didn’t come to visit us. I was fine with this and just put it down to lack of interest in baby stuff.

I met up with her (and another two friends) for a coffee last weekend for the first time in a while. She announced that she’s expecting and is due next summer. Obviously I’m delighted for her and immediately started asking how she’d been feeling etc. I would naturally keep checking in with her while she’s pregnant, make lots of effort when the baby is born and get her something nice but I now feel a bit conflicted because she’s literally never seen my baby and couldn’t have made less effort for me 😕 Would you treat her the same way she did to me (and potentially be petty) or make an effort and put it down to maybe there being a reason she behaved in that way? I kind of feel like even if there was she could have made some sort of slight effort by now

OP posts:

glasspaw · 08/12/2023 15:16

I think in your shoes I’d maybe speak with them to try and get a sense of whether they want to have a parent friendship or keep thing separate? Either their treatment towards your pregnancy/child is indicative of a boundary that they are wanting to set, or it might have been that they were struggling to conceive and that was the reason for the distance?

Pooheadbumbum · 08/12/2023 15:20

I experienced this too OP, I do know there were fertility issues at play, but I too felt conflicted when there was zero communication, my friend didn’t meet my DC until I had 2 of them and the eldest was 3! But suddenly it was all ok once she had her baby.

I hadn’t had an easy road to children either so I did feel a bit isolated and let down.

Bellesjp · 08/12/2023 15:29

Are you sure she wasn't having fertility problems/baby loss? I have been in the friends position and it's upsetting, if not then you're not being unreasonable not making a fuss of her!

DappledThings · 08/12/2023 15:33

Maybe she doesn't want any fuss. I'd have been really uncomfortable with anyone buying me a gift because I was pregnant as you say you do and irritated by being asked how I was. I wanted to just crack on with it and was quite happy that it wasn't anything unusual or special to anyone else.

Original poster

Babybabybaby3 · 08/12/2023 15:33

@Bellesjp that was what I first assumed but I’m pretty sure it’s not the case due to something she said when she told us. It just feels very awkward and I would feel so rude not to get her anything or visit the baby

OP posts:

MissBuffyAnneSummers · 08/12/2023 15:37

I had no interest in babies before I had my own.

To be honest I have no interest in other people's babies even now.

It's great that you do but it sounds like it's not been an interest of your friend.

Maybe that will change now that you both have this in common.

ChildOfTheMoon · 08/12/2023 15:43

I think its a difficult situation. I mean the only thing you can do if you want resolution is to ask but be prepared it might leave your friendship that bit more awkward , depending in how much of a close and open relationship you have.
To be honest I really hate the whole pressure to buy people baby gifts. I dont feel anyone should feel pressure to buy and nobody should expect a gift. Its just wrong . I wouldn't expect anyone to gift me.
But then again I didn't gift my friend when she had a baby , simply because i couldn't afford to. We were struggling majorly in private trying to save for ivf. Every penny after living costs went to savings. I also didn't rush to see her baby, again we'd struggled to conceive this little one and being around friends with baby's was the last thing I could handle.

MrsJ6921 · 08/12/2023 15:51

I think fertility could come into play here regardless of any comments she’s made. I know from personal experience it’s a lot easier acting like we had a magical time conceiving our baby when in reality I was depressed at every month that went by when I wasn’t pregnant and hated hearing about other people being pregnant. Even now I’m 36 weeks and my friend recently announced her second pregnancy and I still feel some form of jealousy towards the fact she’s had an easy time not only have 1 but also 2 babies.

Daisies12 · 08/12/2023 15:54

It seems likely there were fertility issues. Or she, like a lot of people, just isn't interested in others people's babies. Honestly, you sound a bit overbearing, I would hate a friend to keep asking how I'm feeling, how the pregnancy is, etc. Maybe it's your wording but it makes it sound like you're only interested in your friends when they are pregnant...

MissKH84 · 08/12/2023 16:08

I think you should let it go . If she's not interested in other people's babies that's her choice. She dosent have to gift you, it's unfair to expect someone to and well just don't gift to her baby. I don't think you should judge someone . You've no idea the reason, fertility issues may have been at play. 1 in 6 couples struggle with fertility. Myself being one. I couldnt be around friends baby's and didn't want to hear about them when I was struggling for years. Took many rounds ivf for me. Being pregnant dosent mean you should expect other people to faff over you asking how you are all the time.
If this is the worst thing you can complain about in life

Beautiful3 · 13/06/2024 22:33

I would treat her the same way she treated me.

Seed90 · 13/06/2024 22:45

Bellesjp · 08/12/2023 15:29

Are you sure she wasn't having fertility problems/baby loss? I have been in the friends position and it's upsetting, if not then you're not being unreasonable not making a fuss of her!

Even if that was the case it doesn’t excuse the way her friend treated her

Amonthinthecountry · 13/06/2024 22:53

I had a similar thing happen. I was fine with it at first as I thought maybe she didn’t know what to say or how to react. It’s increasingly annoying me now as she sends baby photos etc to me and never ever asks how my child is getting on.

rlar · 13/06/2024 23:00

I think some of these replies are a little harsh! I don’t think you sound overbearing OP, you sound like a good, normal friend.

For all those saying your friend ‘probably isn’t interested in babies’ - even if that was the case, just message about something else?! To not message a friend for (I’m presuming) 9+ months about anything at all is poor form. Is this a good friend of yours? You can not give one hoot about children but still want to chat with a friend who has a child surely, it’s not like your conversations have to be purely about babies.

Do you have any mutual friends with children that she’s also acted like this with?

TaraRhu · 13/06/2024 23:04

I didn't 'get babies' until til I was pregnant myself. Giver the benifit of the doubt.

minipie · 13/06/2024 23:09

Did she ignore you while you were pregnant, or keep in contact as usual but just not make extra effort due to pregnancy?

I think not making extra effort is fine and tbh I think your approach sounds a little OTT. I don’t make extra fuss of my friends just because they are pregnant (except if they are having a difficult time and might value support). If your friend kept in touch as usual then I don’t think she did anything wrong. By all means treat her as she did you but she’ll probably think that’s normal.

If she totally ignored you (ie stopped usual level of contact) while you were pregnant then that’s odd and perhaps says she had some sort of personal issue with it.

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