Happy planned pregnancy but I’m really starting to regret it.

[Olivia1987]

I never thought I’d be typing something like this.

I’ve got a 5 year old son with a previous partner. He is my everything. It’s pretty much been just us two the first 3 years of his life until I met my current partner who is everything we both could have ever asked for. Now I’m pregnant again and it was planned and we both wanted it. My son is happy about it but the last week or so I’ve started to think really awful
thoughts.

I don’t want this baby anymore. I regret ever getting pregnant. I’m finding it really hard to come to terms with having to share myself with son now who I enjoy spending my time with. I feel like it’s just getting easier and we have proper time to create memories together. Something I won’t have when this new baby is here and it makes me so sad thinking about that.

I’ve also started to remember how hard I found it last time. The tiredness and working patterns. I can’t see myself being able to cope with a baby. I hate myself for thinking all this but I wish so badly that I had just stopped with my son. It’s so awful I can’t tell anyone. What kind of mother thinks like that. I’m so scared I’ll miss my son so much. I’m scared he’ll not be happy. He won’t have me all to himself or his step dad who he utterly adores. We are such a solid team at the moment and it’s going to be ruined.

why is this happening to me!!! Now!

I think it’s normal to be worried about creating change in your life for existing children and yourself. Hopefully these feelings will pass.

No advice at all but I could have wrote feelings wise exactly as you have. Have struggled since 10ish weeks pregnant and am 29 weeks along. It doesn’t seem to be fading and has made this pregnancy hell for me. My son will only be 26 months when my little girl is here but the guilt just consumes my whole thought process. Even when I get glimmers of hope that things will be fine I immediately resort back to despair that this is happening. Very much a planned pregnancy also. I think it’s the absolute fear of change and the hormones don’t help. Hope you are okay as I know it’s hell and very hard to speak about as anyone I speak to says how beautiful it is for my son to have a sibling which is what I thought aswell whereas now it’s just dread at the upheaval and change and the overwhelming guilt that hurts my chest day in and day out . Hoping when I see her everything will be lifted ☹️☹️ Xx

That is reassuring. It’s not just me that feels so bad. I just look at my son and times we have now. The cuddle after school, the cuddles in the morning. The time I have to have conversations with him. I know I’ll still get time with him. I’ll make sure I do. I also get scared that I’ll just want time with him and kind of resent the baby for taking me away from him. It’s an utter mind field! I hope you start to feel better about it all soon. Thank you for your comment. X

We're at the point where we're considering another baby and I have those thoughts too because I love my ds and the life we've created together with him. I know it'll be very different with two and I won't be able to parent ds in the same way that I have been up to now and a dc2 won't get the same experience ds has had.

I think recognising that is probably a good thing because it's you mentally preparing yourself for the changes to come and worries about how you'll cope etc are very normal.

I think it's just a sign you're not going in to this naieve that it'll be easy or that things will stay the same and a little bit of you is grieving the life you have right now, but you will be bringing lots more joy into it as well.

Hi OP, it sounds like you have antenatal depression. Please see your health visitor/ midwife / GP and get referred to the mental health team.

There is a lot of stuff on Mumsnet etc at the moment about why one child is best. Basically finances are dictating zero or one child at the moment so people are justifying it for other reasons. However this is extremely odd situation historically.

Lots of fun family times with two ( or more) I've found and more support in difficult times too

13 years between oldest and my next 3 toddlers and wouldn't change a thing the fun,laughs,madness and they all adore each other

Thank you for all the support. I’m a bit confused though. Most people say it’s totally normal and another says I’ve got depression.

You sound like you either have, or are at risk for, antenatal depression OP. Please talk to your partner and a trusted friend or your family about this in RL. Speak to your GP if you feel you can't confide in anyone.

Pregnancy Choices is the abortion forum on mumsnet. It is full of women who have been in your position, with a planned pregnancy that they aborted because depression and/or anxiety hit them like a truck and they didn't know what was happening to get support put in place. Antenatal depression is very common and your feelings are not unusual at all, but that doesn't mean you have to put up with feeling this way.

If you wanted your baby before you were hit by the hormones, sickness and exhaustion of first trimester, I think it's quite likely you made the right decision. It just doesn't always feel like this when you're poorly 💐There is also PANDAs the perinatal depression group who have a helpline if you need to chat.

It is normal to feel anxious about your life changing with a second child. If your feelings are stronger than this, your anxiety is impacting your enjoyment of your pregnancy or your thoughts are getting darker, then it's worth speaking to a professional. Both groups are right.

I think this is really normal. virtually every second time parent i've spoken to has had similar type of feelings - worried about ruining their other child's life, worrying about balancing things and they all say those fears were unfounded. your son will love their new sibling and it is the best gift you could ever give him.

However, if you think these feelings are all consuming, if they're making you overly anxious, you cant sleep etc then please seek medical advice as prenatal depression is also a thing.

Whilst these feelings are normal its the intensity of them that defines whether you can cope with them

I was in a similar situation. I fell pregnant with my new partner when DC was 6. I experienced ALL the thoughts that you’ve been having. I too worried about him having to share me with a baby. And how life had got much easier, he is more independent now etc, so why would I change all that? Was I mad? My thoughts also progressed to worrying how I could ever love the baby as much as my eldest, surely that couldn’t be possible?

I’m not sure how far along you are in your pregnancy OP. I worried about all this very early on, my age didn’t help (40). I was terrified something would go wrong. I found having the scan helped, I felt more bonded to baby and in time those worries I had faded away.

Baby is nearly 1 now. DS now 7 is honestly the best big brother I could have ever asked for. He absolutely adores the baby. He wouldn’t change our life back to what it was, and nor would I. It’s exactly as it was meant to be. You’ll see. None of my worries manifested into real life, and you will cope.

And I promise you'll still get time with your eldest, one on one. I take mine out sometimes of an evening to help me run errands (parcel drops) or we'll go out for a hot chocolate. He feels very grown up and I feel, well, just lovely sharing those moments.

Oh just to let you know a little perk that I didn't have with my first DC. I found maternity leave with my first quite lonely, looooong days waiting for partner to get home. This time around, me and baby have company from 3:30pm when we collect DS. I've found that to be a really lovely change having my second.

I would say this is totally normal, and not depression. As PP said this is text book for expecting baby number 2. I certainly wasn’t depressed, before or after. These are genuine worries as you love your DC so much and feel guilt that their life is going to change.

Good luck with your pregnancy OP.

I think it really is normal to spend pregnancy #2 full of worry about the impact on DC1. We love them so much and worry about disrupting their lives. Nothing will ever be the same again.

But... DC2 comes and to our shock, over time we realise we passionately love them too! Just as much as DC1!

The worries are totally normal. How serious they are, may not be - you will know this better than anyone else. It sounds like you're maybe regretting a much wanted pregnancy and really wishing you weren't pregnant. Personally I think if it's tipping into a feeling like this has ruined your life, or you aren't taking any pleasure in your life, or like you're tipping into crisis, please do get in touch with your GP.

But in the meantime, I would say talk about it more, with women (and men!) who will have experienced the same worries. It might reassure you.

I think it's normal to feel a wobble about something so big, but just go back to the rationale why you had decided to have the baby in the first place, it will help you feel more grounded. You say your son is happy about the baby, so it sounds like quite a bit of your anxiety is in your head. Hormones could also be clouding your judgement to be honest. And yes, it is hard looking after a newborn but you've already done it once and survived, you'll be fine xx

I think op, it depends on how serious it is for you and how much its affecting you. If its having a big impact on your emotional wellbeing then it could be antenatal depression, but if it's just a worry about how you'll manage and navigating the changes to come and it's temporary and you're still able to connect with your baby, then I think it's just normal anxiety about jumping from one to two. If you're really getting worried about yourself then speak to your midwives, but I wouldn't automatically jump to antenatal depression from your post. If it continues or gets worse then might be worth mentioning though.

I just want to say as a mother of 2 and ttc no3 - your love grows with each baby and you find time. There are always opportunities for 1:1 time - your partner could take the little one so you and your son could spend 1:1 time and vice versa. I know hormones are a THING - but us mommas know how to balance - it may take some time, but having a sibling is beautiful to see. AND your son can help you - that's a bonding experience for all three (and four) of you.

I think most people that go from 1 to 2 worry about not being able to spend the same amount of their time with their first, them being pushed out or upset, or you not having enough time for the new baby etc. especially after a larger gap when you’ve had lots of quality time together and you’re out of the baby / toddler phase. However, another way to look at it is how much will be gained, your first child will experience the excitement, love and fun of sharing their life with their sibling. Yes of course, there will have ups and downs (and possibly some jealousy at the start and then arguments as they get older!) and it’s never easy juggling 2 in the early days but for me it’s such a huge joy having 2 and seeing the fun they have together makes all the hard work 100% worth it.

Did you have a partner before? If not, and you have a loving partner now, it will be so so different

Also I think think less about the next year ahead and more
About in 5 or ten or 20 years who you want around your
Christmas table x

Ps your situation now is my absolute goal! Xxx

Hi @Olivia1987.. I could of written your post, except I'm expecting no. 3 and although planned I'm utterly terrifies and think like you. How are you now? I'm praying as pregnancy progresses my hormones will settle and I'll start to feel better again x

I think yours are totally legitimate concerns, but that your strength of feeling about them - eg wishing you never got pregnant etc - is maybe quite extreme? That's where I would say to watch out for depression, because it sounds very absolutist. Not saying you will definitely have perinatal/ppd but this is worth speaking to your midwife or GP about.

I do understand, though, especially when it's been you and your little boy as a unit for the first part of his life. I also have a 5-year-old and am pregnant again (after a lot of losses so no certainty) and there is a huge part of me saying "what have I done?!". I know things might change a lot for my child. I know I'll lose a lot of newfound freedom. But, I also know that she will adore a baby sibling. I remember how much her birth brought the family together, and how it showed me a new side of my partner as he became a dad. I want that again. There's a lot to look forward to!

I think you are currently only seeing the negatives of the situation when actually it will probably be an amazing time. You'll get to see your son as a big brother, your partner as dad to a newborn. And there will be so much joy and love. Please don't lose sight of that.

Most of my female friends have experienced this over their second child. There's been a sort of mourning for when it's "just the two of us" and a real fear/anxiety mixed in with guilt.

Without exception in my social circle, having a sibling/s has been fantastic for their first children. With one very difficult toddler whose mum felt terrible guilt as they hated most other kids and was a velcro kid, it's been the absolute making of them and a delight to see. They've come on leaps and bounds through having a little sibling. Years later we're all still in shock!

So your feelings are quite normal. It does get better and support is available if you think you'd benefit from it.