I’m really hoping for some support as I have no one to talk to. Please no telling me I’m being ridiculous as I already believe I am being ridiculous!!
Background: I have two kids (girls) aged 5 and 2. I have had 4 miscarriages in almost 8 years, the last two being this year. I am now pregnant again.
I just feel like I cannot keep straight what I want. I’ve always struggled with my kids’ age gap (3.5 years) as it was bigger than I wanted it to be. I’ve felt like an abnormal freak (irrational I know) since everyone seems to have 2 year gaps, and also had strong feelings of feeling like there was a missing middle child, and desperately wishing I had 3 kids close in age. Each time I’ve got pregnant since my youngest, I’ve had feelings of fear that this is a bad idea, and then devastation and depression when a miscarriage has been confirmed. With my current pregnancy, it was measuring more than a week behind initially, so I was feeling sad and then preparing myself for a miscarriage. Second scan showed a week’s growth and a good heartbeat but instead of feeling happy I feel totally freaked out, thinking I’ve made a terrible decision, and thinking that my current family is perfect and why would I want to mess with it (what is WRONG with me, I’ve been fixating on what I thought was ideal for nearly a year now - and now I feel like what was actually perfect was right in front of me the whole time). I can’t really keep up with my constantly changing feelings which go in opposite directions. I also think a major factor of this is my age - I am 36 and will be a few weeks away from 37 at the time of delivery and for some reason this feels HUGE to me. I didn’t see myself being 40 with a 3 year old. I am not sure anymore if I’ve lost perspective on this. I also worry that all my friends are leaving the baby/toddler phase and I’m going to be left alone and my mental health will decline further.
I worry that instead of fixating on the ideal number of kids and spacing, I should have tried harder to sort out my mental health outside of this issue instead of trying to fix it with “completing my family” or whatever it was my brain thought it was looking for.
Anyway, looking to see if there is anyone out there who has felt anything similar at all. This whole having babies phase of life has messed with my head in a big way!!