Personal topic but help needed please

[polly1333]

Bit of a personal/sensitive topic however just wanted some reassurance from anyone that can help please… I had an abortion when I was 18 and in a DV relationship, I am now 32 and long term relationship with my new partner however he does not know about my previous abortion and I am worried it may come up at first midwife appointment? Does the midwife ask you if you have previously had an abortion or if it’s on your medical notes do they bring it up? Just don’t want my partner knowing and worried they have to ask. Thank you x

Be honest with your partner about your past and ask him before hand will he judge you or not?

Much love,

JVD

I vaguely remembered they asked me x

I think they ask if you have had previous pregnancies but there's no reason your partner needs to be there for it and/or should have access to your notes.

The midwife will ask if you have ever been pregnant before. It is up to you whether you disclose this or not. If it was without complication it is very unlikely to affect your current pregnancy so you could wait until an appointment your partner is not there and tell her you don't want him to know and that would be fine.

Yes they do ask if this is first pregnancy.

It’s really up to you if you wish to tell your partner, he isn’t “entitled” to know your whole life story. That said, I was in your exact shoes and I ended up telling my partner and he was very nice about it all and it made no difference.

However it is your choice, there is nothing stopping you simply saying yes it is my first child. You can tell the midwife at a further appointment (partners absolutely do not go to each appointment) or usually they ask partners to leave the room at one point, so you could disclose it then. Or you don’t have to tell them at all.

Having a termination 15 years ago will have very little baring on your pregnancy now.

I know it’s worrying but it’s very common situation, you’re not the first nor will be the last woman to have this exact issue

You do not have to disclose it to your midwife if you choose not to.

I also had a termination at 18, fast forward to 35 and I’m now pregnant with a planned pregnancy. I had told my partner already about it and he’d actually also gone through it with a previous partner in early 20s.

I did tell my midwife when she asked if I had been pregnant before and she asked if I would like it recorded in my notes or not. She said that having a termination does not impact a pregnancy.

Your partner will probably be at the booking in appointment with you but you will have another appointment not long after where you could tell your midwife then on your own if you really don’t want to tell your partner. I can understand why you may wish to keep it private.

Thank you so much everyone for your replies! You’ve all made me feel a lot better with your replies, I think I will just take it as it comes depending on appointments etc. Would it be on my medical records though that the midwife could access if i decided not to disclose it? Or where it was so long ago would it not be on there? Thanks again x

Worry about this pregnancy that you are lucky to be having and less about keeping secrets from your partner.

Most people don't take their partner to their midwife appointments, just to scans. Nonetheless hopefully if you told him he'd be supportive?

It is totally your business and you have not need to disclose.
Congratulations OP. x

'no need'

Records vary but I'm a midwife and a lot of the time I'd be able to see that on record. I'm very discreet though and would still ask if there are any other pregnancies, despite knowing the answer. If you said no I'd leave it but potentially ask once alone (just to make sure there were no complications such as haemorrhage etc). Congratulations!

Thank you for your positive response ❤️ shame that can’t be said for others on this thread! That’s reassuring to know. Thank you ❤️ xx

Unfortunately that's mumsnet for you. There are some vile people out there. I've seen some shocking comments over the years x

I know I am very lucky and not at any point have I said I’m not so your response was really not needed when I was simply asking for advice. You do not know me, or my history. It is not keeping ‘secrets’ from my partner as I know he would be supportive. It is simply a case of me not wanting to re-live and go back through and speak about a very dark and traumatic time of my life which would bring it all back. Thank you to everyone else on this thread for your kind and helpful responses ❤️

Why be a dick?!

Congratulations OP! 🩵

And that was to @janey125N

Extremely dramatic people on here. I would hardly consider a comment reminding someone to focus on how lucky they are and not on a secret from so many years ago vile 🤣 Whatever way ye are reading into this is beyond me 🙄