How do you deal with the unsolicited advice?!

[CCrowe]

How did you deal with unwelcome / unsolicited advice around pregnancy / childbirth / baby care?

I know I generally find unsolicited advice maddening but I'm finding I'm getting really angry about it in pregnancy.

I tend to research things inside out and ultimately decisions around children are so personal because they're based on your knowledge of your own family, your own wellbeing and your own sanity. While it's great if I can ask a question of another parent, I never find someone wading in with their own views unasked helpful and I find it taps into the fear of being judged and having to put energy into defending your decisions.

My family are great but friends and acquaintances can be challenging. When it's someone you actually like and you don't want to hurt their feelings or embarrass them, did you find tactful ways of asking them to reign it in?

Just smile and nod then carry on with your day whilst silently thinking ‘nope, I’ll do it my way’.
Every woman who’s had a baby will inadvertently give advice at some point, even you!

Smile with mouth closed, raise eyebrows slightly, say "Mmmm". Not actually rude.

People just like banging on about their own experiences.

Thanks, yeah I'm sure I'll end up giving tips too!

I don't mind the "here's what worked for me..." it's more the "here's why you should..."

For a little context, I just had a friend of my partners giving the 'breast is best' lecture - every single fact she mentioned I already know inside out, I am hoping to breast feed but there's also personal reasons why it might not work out. It's that feeling of "oh great here's another person who will judge me / voice that will be in my head if I don't continue with breastfeeding...."

I said, 'If I ever find I need advice, I will know where to turn', and changed the subject very firmly.

Well, the breast is best mafia are a unique challenge in themselves.

I personally had very little time for people telling me what to do, particularly if it was unsolicited. eg in the breast is best example above, my response would have been, "I'm going to try to breast feed, but if I can't, I'm not stressed", then I would have wandered off if they didn't stop.

I was at an event once. It was a torturous thing that I was attending to support DH. Everyone else was drinking, obviously I was not. I was about 12 weeks, tired, cranky and bored (because many of the attendees were speaking a language I don't speak). I ordered a coke and some man "friend" of DH's said to me, "oh, I don't think you should have that - it's got caffeine in it." I snapped back, "yes, that's wh I'm drinking it!"

“That’s interesting.” Is kind of neutral reply. I grew so sick of unsolicited advice with mine that I just glazed over and never ever started any topic of conversation that could invite unsolicited advice from plonkers who like to hurl it at you. It’s a mental burden to deal with other people’s opinions of what you should do.

A quick and curt change of the topic can be good way to signal to someone that a topic is not up for discussion if you don’t want to blatantly tell them that you don’t need their advice.

I have found that trying to defend my parenting decisions is pointless and often leaves me with some pointless questions (about my decisions) as I often can’t accurately articulate my thoughts around a topic when I’m defending my very personal decisions.

So I try to avoid stating my position and just leave them floundering with their opinions wafting in the air. It feels good when I remember to do this. It still happens and mine are not young.

IME the people who constantly give out advice and think they invented parenting are the ones who have terribly behaved DC. So for me, I smile and nod and internally think to myself ‘I’m not listening to you because I don’t want my DC turning out like yours’. I know that’s not the best advice because it makes me no better than them really (although it’s in my head and never leaves my lips), but it stops me resenting it.

Thanks everyone, I appreciate the (solicited!!) advice very much! 😁

It's also cathartic just to share and realise every new mother gets annoyed by it.

We went through fertility issues and I'm having to make sure I bite back my advice now when friends who are going through it!

"Gosh, isn't it fascinating how quickly advice changes! That's quite an outdated idea." Particularly useful for winding up the older generation.

"That was what worked for you? It's funny how different people's experiences can be. My friend Lucy had this to say on the matter ten minute lecture about Lucy's views"

It's difficult because so many parents struggle, then find something that works for their particular child and wonder why nobody told them that in the first place. Well... all kids are different. What is best for some will not be for others.

I do think some people just like talking about what they know though. Baby-rearing is an intense process and you learn so much that there's an urge to process it all by packaging it up as useful information. Try to nod politely while thinking of Gerard Butler in swimming trunks/ whatever gets you through.

1. smile, nod and say “hmm yeah that’s interesting, I’ll have to read up on that.

2. smile, say “oh I’m all babied out today, tell me what you’re doing at the weekend”

3. don’t talk to them about baby related things if you don’t want opinions

4. remember that YOU will be the person giving advice to people somewhere down the line. You may think “oh never!” But you will. It’s almost impossible not to, because kids are all consuming and so you have opinions and thoughts on everything.

let it slide as long as it’s not offensive, if it’s offensive then speak up and shut the conversation down.

Smile and nod.

It continues once baby arrives. My eldest is now a teen and I still get given unsolicited advice.

Ugh. I'm also dealing with this.

I also HATE the "you just wait... insert negative thing here" comments. Especially rude from people who haven't been pregnant themselves so have no effing clue as to how difficult the day to day can be, especially if your pregnancy isn't the easiest ride... and hearing such obvious statements about not getting much sleep or "never having a life again" or whatever is so mentally hurtful. Like, WE KNOW, but Jesus, you just asked how I am and I slipped that I'm tired, say something supportive instead of grinding down what little mental energy I've got left!! Ugh. Anyway! I ignored despite wanting to slap that bish...

I've found my tolerance levels in pregnancy are borderline zero!!

I've ignored most comments about advice, most of it is outdated anyway and the only people who have given great advice that I've taken on, have given it in such a way where it didn't feel like it was forced upon me, so I was much more receptive. Stuff like, "oh the Heartburn... I remember, I used to take xyz, it really helped, if you're still steuggling give it a go" And left it at that.

Usually recent mums have been the best, because they get it, they also have been super helpful and yes, while they say it's hard, they've focused on the lovely parts to motherhood way more than the less nice parts, which I've really appreciated.

I've come to realise that there's always going to be those people who want to thrust their two cents onto you, but like many people say, ignore.

My brothers x wife cornered me the other week, I usually avoid her. She's had two kids, both 18+now. She said to me, in a condescending way "oh, I DO hope you don't get postnatal depression because it's SO HARD and it'll only get harder" said in this relly bitchy tone like she wanted me to suffer. (She's not the nicest person)
I rolled my eyes so hard they almost popped out. She's quite narcissistic so rather than engage I just walked off!!

Hard, because I want to say something, but I found I'd rather save my energy than waste it engaging/responding.
Sorry about my rant.... obviously it was bothering me more than I realised and i let it all out!!!

I'm sorry you're dealing with it too.

When it comes from general acquaintances it’s fairly easy to nod along and change the subject and not let it get to you. When it’s your MIL it’s much harder! It seems I do the opposite of everything she’s ever done. It’s tough and on days when I’m feeling down it’s her voice I hear in my head telling me what she’d have done differently.

I had the breast is best from many people after I had my youngest. I tried breast feeding but due to losing a lot of blood, needing transfusions etc my health visitor actual told me to stop as it was gonna put me back in hospital.
so my response to breast is best was …. Fed is best. And didn’t respond to arguments. I also didn’t feel the need to explain my reasons. Conversations ended pretty quick after that! lol!

Thanks everyone!

@daisybe do feel free to rant, your sister in law sounds very challenging!