Feeling overwhelmed by my mum in pregnancy

[thecoffeerun]

Hi everyone,

Just looking for a bit of advice, sorry in advance for the long post.

A bit of background, I never really had a close relationship with my parents, they weren't terrible but they certainly weren't great parents when we were growing up and there are a lot of things they did that I have a lot of resentment over, especially things my mum did during my teenage years.

I'm in my 30s now and I've had a lot of therapy to get myself into a place in life where I'm happy, and over the last 10ish years have built and OK realtionship with my parents as an adult - still not particularly close but we rub along fine and I've resolved a lot of my childhood issues in therapy and have no inclination or desire to discuss these issues with my parents - they seem to believe they were wonderful parents and I really don't see any benefit in telling them otherwise.

Since I told my parents I was pregnant I've been feeling so overwhelmed by my mum and I can't really put my finger on why. Before getting pregnant I had pretty positive feelings towards her generally, we have a group chat with her and my two brothers and it was always me making sure she got a reply to any message she sent as I didn't want her to feel ignored.

Since I told her I was pregnant, they way she speaks to me in messages (we never speak on the phone) has completely changed, she's overly sentimental and emotional. She keeps bringing up the way she felt in pregnancy, e.g. if she felt the baby move and is really emotional about it, saying things like there is no more magical feeling in the world, and she assumes I'm feeling the same way. I think part of why this makes me so uncomfortable me is we were told our whole lives that we were accidents and we ruined their lives (often in those precise words) so it's difficult for me to imagine her feeling that way when she was pregnant. I'm also really not a "heart on my sleeve" type of person and I never have been, I don't find talking about my feelings very easy and I feel like people who are actually close to me understand this and don't push or pry, so to suddenly have all this emotion from someone I have never had that type of relationship with makes we really uncomfortable.

I really don't want to be mean, I really think my mum is genuinely excited and wants to be really involved in my baby's life, and I do want my parents involved of course, but given some of my memories of my childhood I really don't feel comfortable with the thought of my parents being alone with my child for any length of time, they certainly wouldn't be anywhere the top of my list of babysitters. My mum keeps saying how her and my dad with babysit and I just don't want that.

I've dealt with this the only way I really know how, by just ignoring most of my mum's messages which probably sounds horrible - everytime I saw her name pop up I just immediately felt really uncomfortable and would often swipe the message away without even reading it. However I saw her at the weekend and she gave me a book, and tucked inside the book was a long letter basically painting a picture of this wonderful childhood we had with her and all the wonderful memories she has of our childhood and how excited she is for a grandchild, I don't know why but this has made me so so uncomfortable and I haven't been able to stop thinking about it. I haven't acknowledged the letter, it was tucked into the pages of the book so I could easily have not seen it, I don't know what to do because I feel like if I say "thank you for the letter" that's just completely dishonest of me, I want to just never acknowledge and pretend it doesn't exist.

I just don't know why I'm feeling this way, my reaction to her atm is so strong and overwhelming and she's actually only being nice! I feel awful in a way as I have friends whose mums have passed away and I know there is nothing they would want more than a letter from their mum but I can't shake the horrible icky uncomfortable feeling I have and I'm not sure what to do. 😔

Oh I don’t really have anything useful to add, but I do understand you and sorry it’s so emotionally draining
shes rewriting history and erasing a lot of things that caused you pain.
perhaps it feels like this is a bit self serving of her too.
hopefully this will bump for someone with something more helpful to say

@Marshmallowtoastie thank you, I think rewriting of history is definitely how it feels and I'm sure she has no idea she's doing it, I just hope once the baby has been here for a while she calms down and goes back to normal.

I think as a child we remember things differently to how parents they do, not sticking up for them but when they had the weigh of the world on their shoulders a few flippant comments wouldn't have seemed like much or would have quickly been forgotten in the busy of adult life but they stick with us for our developing years and alot of it shapes our decisions, until we realise it doesn't have to and then seek support in changing our way of thinking.

Also I know for myself when looking to become a parent it was much easier to think about all the things I would do differently to what my parents did Vs finding the positives and thinking how it would be more to continue that. I'm doing this solo and found during my IVF treatment I have an overwhelmingly amount of resent for my Dad (my mum passed away 7 years ago) for alot of the things that I feel in my childhood lead me struggle with relationship's and have spoken about some stuff but not shared my full feelings as he can't change them and I don't wanna break him. Luckily his not playing the excitable grandad, not that I think he doesn't care, more that his looking out for me right now which makes it easier.

I think now is the time to maybe sit your mum down and say to her that you appreciate her gestures but they don't sit well with you and why, I know it may be a very challenging conversation and not one you will want at any point in your pregnancy but easier done now than when she's trying to take baby out of your arms and sending you off for the day so she can play best granny role for the world to see.

I do think for some parents that when they have grandchild they see it as a chance to maybe do all the things they didn't with their own children, be that give financial stability, calmer happier time or nice fun things yet they need to understand that cannot change your experience of them as a parent and therefore what level of involvement you let them have in your child's life .

I had a similar experience in my pregnancy, my mum has a very different view of my childhood and often ignores things that cause her upset.

During pregnancy I was clear I didn't want her to arrive unannounced after the birth, and agreed with DH I never wanted her to babysit. My DD is now 2 and honestly our relationship is better than it ever has been. She is still annoyed she didn't see me until a while after the birth, is still is in denial about a lot of things and I see no reason to hurt her, but she does babysit when we need her to (while my dad is there, who I have no issues with).

Motherhood is a very hard, crazy journey and it sounds like she may have struggled a lot and sadly let it affect you. I'd say take what learnings you can from the situation, and keep her at arms length with some clear boundaries if that's why helps you. Maybe say how you want to find your own feet along the way, or are finding a lot of information overwhelming generally, so are just trying to be practical and focus just on what you need to (I.e. please don't overwhelm me more, this isn't me opening up to you).

Just be aware you may feel differently (or may not!) later so I'd try not to burn bridges.

I completely understand your feelings. They're entirely valid. I also get the total ick when anyone is sentimental about my pregnancy or tries to decide my feelings for me.