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Positive stories please about your relationship with DD..I am a boy mum and I'm terrified of having girl...

15 replies

mum2boys1504 · 20/11/2023 09:47

Thankyou everyone for taking the time to read this . I am currently 10 weeks pregnant, I do not know the sex of my baby yet. I am already mummy to 2 amazing boys, and they are my absolute world..
I feel like this 3rd pregnancy is very different from the other 2 and I feel I may be having a girl..the thing is I'm secretly scared and hoping it's another boy.
I see in gender disappointment threads that alot of mums are opposite to me , as in they hope for girl and disappointed we they have a boy.. but for me I am terrified of having a girl. My mother was evil to me. Its a very long story and would be here all day writing about it. But she was awful , jealous , bitter, horrible to me and still is now. And she says this is because i was a girl. She adored my brother and when she was pregnant with me she used to poke her tummy and pray I wasn't a girl. I have no idea how a mother and daughter relationship should work. I am a great mum to my boys. I fear that I will get this envious gene that my mum has towards me. I fear that a girl will be much harder work , as everywhere I go people say I'm lucky to have boys. Yes the boys are wild but everyone says their girls are much harder work. Ims cared she be all about her dad and she won't like me. I know I'm probaly being silly but honestly...please tell me your experiences if having a daughter vs having a son..are they really that different ..that much harder work...any replies appreciated. Of course I want just a healthy baby but these are some real concerns I have. Thank you

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Backinthedress · 20/11/2023 09:59

My DD is generally much easier in terms of behaviour. She's more likely to sit and do an activity, or be helpful despite being the younger. However I definitely find my relationship with her more complex than the one with my son as she gets older and heads towards puberty.

As a baby and toddler it was very easy, but it can be hard seeing yourself reflected back at you. I would strongly urge you to get some counselling and therapy to resolve your own issues with your mum so you can come to this relationship fresh and open.

You don't even know if you're actually having a girl, but you have plenty of time to prepare and manage those emotions which will benefit you no matter what the aex of your third baby.
Do it for you.

TerfTalking · 20/11/2023 10:00

I would suggest your talk about your concerns with a therapist to avoid repeating the circle.

Sadly I have two friends who had poor relationships with their mothers, who favoured their brothers over them, one only has boys and shows no empathy for young women at all, it is bizarre how young men are always the victims in her head. The other has both sexes and I can see she treats her boys different to the girl. Difficult to explain, but there is some intolerance to her daughter's relationship with her father, and a lot of acceptance of poor behaviour from the boys.

I have one of each, both different, loved equally, I could not be without a daughter in my life, she is good, kind, caring, fun and filled the hole that not having a sister had. I also could not be without my lovely son. IMO my DD was far, far, far easier than my son. They are two individual people with different personalities irrespective of their sex, brought up as equals.

CatonmyKeyboard · 20/11/2023 10:01

Oh goodness. I'm so sorry that you never experienced a good, loving mother/daughter relationship.

My daughter is the joy of my life.

CatonmyKeyboard · 20/11/2023 10:02

And I'm quite fond of her brother too!

PinkRoses1245 · 20/11/2023 10:04

As PP said, please consider some counselling so you don't let this impact on your relationship with your child. and remember - they are children and people first, and how they grow up and live in terms of their gender is a blank slate.

FinallyFinalGirl · 20/11/2023 10:07

I have two of each, OP and it is not true at all that girls are harder work. If anything, they were a dream. It was my eldest son who had me pulling my hair out. I love my daughters, and sons, more than anything in this world and even though my relationship with my mother was challenging and left scars, my daughters are brand new people with no baggage, and that is how I treat them. As they grow up, I can see the wonderful young women they are becoming, and I couldn't be prouder.

MsAnnFrope · 20/11/2023 10:08

Im so sorry that you experienced that and agree with PP that talking about your experience with a therapist would help break the cycle.
I had quite a complex relationship with DM and was much closer to my dad and I worried about having a daughter.
DD is 10 and a delight. She’s not me she’s her own wonderful self and I’m not my mum. We have a close happy relationship full of shared jokes and it’s been wonderful watching who she is becoming.
As puberty starts to kick in I can feel her becoming more independent and challenging but instead of being threatened by this I’m glad she can be herself.
we aren’t our mothers. We can do it differently. Therapy helped.

mushforbrain · 20/11/2023 10:10

I have a DD9, goodness she has definitely been an emotional little soul over the years which has been very testing at times, but she wears her heart on her sleeve and is so emotionally aware and articulate.
She is creative and funny and silly and has massive empathy towards all animals, even flying ants 🤔
My DS6 has definitely been ‘easier’ on the whole but my relationship with my DD means just as much, I adore her.
I would urge you to seek some therapy, it sounds like regardless of whether you end up having another boy, you need to feel better about your relationship with your mother.

Bisko · 20/11/2023 10:39

I have to respond to your post because, 16 years ago, I was where you are now.

I had an awful relationship with my mother, who prefers boys. (She is still a horrible person now and I hardly ever see her.)

I had my son first and loved him very much. Then when I was pregnant with my second child, we had a scan and found out she was a girl. This absolutely horrified me. I wasn't expecting to have this reaction at all - obviously anyone knows that it's a 50/50 chance!! - but somehow, knowing that she was a girl just made me so sad and scared and worried. I thought of daughters as manipulative and competitive, not like sons who love their mothers. Obviously this is stupid, but all these feelings kept coming up from my own childhood and my own mother's attitudes. The baby was healthy but I didn't want to have her at all, I was frightened that I would be a bad mother to a girl and that she would resent me.

I went to my GP and told her I was really having problems. I made a big fuss about it because I knew I needed help. She referred me to a psychiatrist and I had therapy. (I had already had therapy for depression when I was younger, but somehow this pregnancy and expecting a girl had brought up lots of problems.)

Eventually I got to feel that it wasn't the baby's fault that it was a girl. (I know this isn't exactly a good way of thinking about it, but it was a bit of an improvement.) I felt that the baby was tiny and vulnerable and would depend on me, and I could take good care of her just like I took care of her older brother.

When my daughter was born, I felt like she was more self-sufficient than her brother had been (her brother was a very high needs baby). In the early days and months, I took good care of her, although looking back I don't think I felt as close with her as I did with her brother. I was still getting used to things, but I worked very hard to be a good mother to her and cuddle her and play with her.

But as she got to be a toddler and a little kid then she became the light of my life. Honestly, she was a joy, so funny and cute and kind. She looked up to me as the wonderful mummy who cared for her and could do anything. She wanted to please me and make me happy. Even now, as a teenager, she is a complete joy (and you can't say that about many teenagers!). There is no feeling of competition or envy between us. I am so proud that she is clever and talented, and so beautiful. I want to build her confidence and give her opportunities. She will do great things and I want her to have a wonderful life.

Now I realise that my own mother is a very bitter and weird woman with her own big set of problems. Her way of thinking was twisted and this is not what mother/daughter relationships are like.

So this is my story. I honestly think it will be yours as well, if you have a daughter. I can understand that you feel unhappy and scared now, but this is because of your own upbringing with someone who didn't value you the way that you value your own children. Please go to your GP and ask for help with these feelings. Make a big fuss if you have to. Talking to a therapist will be helpful. You are a good mother to your children and you will be a good mother to this one as well.

mum2boys1504 · 20/11/2023 12:31

Thankyou. The truth is if I'm already worrying that I'll ruin her life, or that I'll be like my mum I guess atleast that means I'm scared..I'd love to break the curse of the hateful mother daughter relationship.. I'm just scared I'll be like my mum...I'd love to have the same relationship with dd as my ds but I just worry I'll be the same as her. But your right maybe some counselling would help thank you

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mum2boys1504 · 20/11/2023 12:33

This is my hope. I would never ever wisht o repeat history km scared having a girl would activate the jealous cow in me lol. Truth is I'm very sweet and kind and have broke alot of generational curses already. I'm just a silly hormonal lady right now ...atleast I care which is more than my mother did ..May e it would be beautiful..

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mum2boys1504 · 20/11/2023 12:35

That's beautiful and I'm crying..I just want to adore her she might not even be a girl lol I'm just so scared.. I alsosuffeewd child SA and that's another reason I'm scared..feel I'd be way to paranoid to ever leave her alone with anyone.. I am pregnant so maybe this is all worries and hormones x

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mum2boys1504 · 20/11/2023 12:36

Thankyou that'd beautiful. Your children are lucky to have u . 💖

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mum2boys1504 · 20/11/2023 12:42

OK now I'm crying 😢. Thank you for your reply. I too do not speak to my mother. She even lied about my dad's funeral and wouldn't tell me where he was cremated, then I found out that he was actually buried and she has sworn to me to never ever visit his grave. She's pure evil. I am the complete opposite to her . I'm just so scared ill become like her and ruin my daughters life. Its really nice to know that you don't feel resentment or envy towards your daughter.. and maybe having a dd would be healing for me . I guess atleast I care ..that shows I am already better than out mothers.
Thank you for taking the time to reply .. its silly as I don't even know if I'm having a girl.. thank you.

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mum2boys1504 · 20/11/2023 12:45

Thankyou to be fair my eldest lad is running rings around me at the moment lol x

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