What would make you more than 2 children?

[Happinessischocolate123]

I have 2 girls who are 3 and 4.
My husband and I work full time and live a very comfortable life. We are expats, and have a nanny, cleaner and can afford to go away every holiday.
I am getting really broody and want another child. I would love to have a little 'gang' of children who always have each other.
My husband isn't so keen on the idea and has said how life has started to get a lot easier now the girls are more independent and we shouldn't change that... saying that, he isn't 100% sure.
If you had more than two l, why?
If you want to stick with two, why?

This is exactly my situation as well. Three just seems like SO many children! But if you're up for it and willing to do more of the hands- on stuff than your husband then I'm sure you can talk him into it.

I've got four, always wanted a big family, I'm one of five. Anyone that sees all mine together always comments on what a lovely bond they all have. Anything past two really doesn't change anything. The hardest jump is one to two. IME two to three and three to four were easy

Anything past two really doesn't change anything.

Ah come on that's bullshit. Of course it changes things: you need more money, more food, more space, bigger car. I really value 1:1 time with each of my kids, that would inevitably reduce divided by 4. No right or wrong generally speaking, we are all different parents, but to say it doesn't change anything is ridiculous!

I stuck with 2 because I had to have a hysterectomy when delivering dd.

Had that not happened, I would have had another two quickly after dd

I’ve had 5 and loved it, although did find going from 2-3 a big jump and again 3-4 as the older ones were teenagers at the time. The older 3 are adult DC now so 4-5 was a lot easier and now just back to 2 dependant children which is a very neat and easy number. Each child comes with their own set of challenges but amazing in their own way too

I have 3. It was a tough call as we found 1 to 2 very very challenging and we have limited space both in the car and the house. It also felt very important to do right by our children including having enough time and attention for each of them.

However what swung it for us was we were still fairly young (30 when No 2 was born), could keep the gap between eldest to youngest under 5 years, and also that we had v good careers with high likelihood of income improving consistently within next 10 years. I felt I could picture myself at 40 with the money and resources for a 3rd child but having left it too late / a larger gap than I was happy with.

I have a wonderful relationship with my only sibling but they are also disabled and so all the sorting of both my parents and them is going to fall on me to an extent and it can feel a bit lonely as the only independent adult child. I've felt a bit beholden to my own parents / sibling (ironically less so since having my children who obviously have become priority 1) but felt that having 3 children instead of 2 in a way gives them more freedom to lead their own lives and do their own thing when they are adults.

Along similar lines, someone I knew growing up lost their only sibling to cancer and that's always played on my mind how difficult that was for them. So I sort of thought, "what if one of them dies?" - obviously losing any of my children would be the worst experience of my life no matter what. But putting my experience aside, I think it would be so much worse for a sole surviving sibling than for 2 surviving siblings. But I appreciate that's rather paranoid!!!

Lastly there are no cousins in the innings for my children and so I felt thinking ahead to the sense of balance and liveliness in the wider family I wanted to have slightly more than 2 children! I also adore children and I've found parenting (whilst yes very tiring and challenging at times) to be a real pleasure and something I've very definitely always wanted and felt drawn to (I also work with children). Not just babies and cute little children but I also really enjoy the company of older children and teenagers too.

Thanks for your reply. I am 32 so feel like now would be a good time to start trying if we do decide to go for it.
I completely understand what you mean in case anything happens... I know it is awful to think about but you are right.
Also, my mum passed away when I was 14 and it was made so much 'easier' that I had siblings. I don't know how I would have coped if there wasn't a few of us around, and there was always someone to talk to. So maybe that goes towards me longing for a bigger family.

@Happinessischocolate123

So sorry to hear your mum died, that must have been terrible at 14.

We're still in the early days with our 3 (only 1 in school) and things are v full on, but the big two have coped brilliantly and still have their close bond. They love the littlest very much and we haven't really had any jealousy or regression, which was a pleasant surprise. My doubts have disappeared and I know we will manage. It's gone easier 2 > 3 than 1 > 2, at least so far (that said, I'm sure there will be new and different pressures when they are all school age, let alone teenagers!).

*I do still have pangs for this being my last child and a lingering desire for more(!). We absolutely will not have a 4th child because it would cross our personal limits (financially, emotionally, our relationship etc). I do wish the third had completely resolved that "just one more" feeling but it's got me most of the way there(!) and there's a relief in just knowing "we have 3 children and we're done" not the endless questioning "should we have a third?". I sort of anticipate once the youngest gets to school I will not have any desire to go backwards to the nappies stage.

It's possible if our children had (a) cousin(s) we were close to I would have poured some of my maternal instincts into the aunt/nephew/niece relationship and nurtured my children's relationship with their cousin(s), instead of having a third. As is, I really enjoy meeting up with all the charming little infant school friends of my eldest, so that's going to be nice when the little two are also at school.

When thinking about "my last baby, wah" I try also to think about all the things that will be great about having no pre-school age children such as sleeping, everyone in the household being continent, my body recovering and possibly becoming fit, being able to do active/fun/adventurous things with all my children together and getting more intimacy with husband again. All of those things could have applied sooner obviously if we'd only had 2 children.

Now, I also feel like I shouldn't push my luck and roll the dice with a 4th pregnancy/child. The same reasoning could apply to a third. I felt (irrationally?) anxious during my 3rd pregnancy I might get unlucky and ruin what we had eg what if I had a stillbirth, what if I died etc - paranoid stuff but clearly I'm a bit of a "what if" type thinker.

3 children is also an even more crazy-big commitment to your partner. If we split up, or I lost my husband and had 2 children I'd find it easier to cope as a single parent/ coparent, I'd find it easier to meet someone new, I'd be able to take on someone new who had their own 1-2 children, and I might consider having another child with someone new. However, with 3 children, I would really struggle as a single parent, would be much less able to take on any step children and wouldn't want to have any more children of my own. So my options are narrowed considerably - it's just as well my husband and I get along 😳

I don't think there's a right number. We just never wanted to go again after 2. We feel complete. If you want more though I get it, it's a personal thing. You should have a 3rd if you want another. Be prepared for twins though!

I am one of 4.
My youngest sibling has disabilities and as a child spent months on end in hospital. Which meant my mum was always there too and so didn't work.
Money was always tight, I remember being aware of it as a young child. And we very rarely had 1:1 time with parents. Those were the main two reasons I chose to stop at 2.
I have great relationships with my siblings as adults but I think for me, being able to give my kids time and also have the money to live reasonably comfortably through their childhood felt more important for me!

Absolutely nothing 🤣

I have 3…..but only because no.3 was a surprise! The eldest and youngest have the most incredible bond, but I def see the middle one (who is the “easiest” being probably the only one without SEN) getting left out, and I feel so guilty that his life has not really been enhanced by another sibling.
If I’m 100% honest, going 2-3 has stretched finances to a very uncomfortable level, we can’t really afford holidays etc and have basically no savings after the third set of nursery fees. And although they do get 1:1 time, it’s bloody hard. They are not “easy” kids, and life is more stressful than joyful at the moment. I can’t bring myself to wish we hadn’t gone through with the third, as I love her dearly, but life would certainly be easier if we’d not had a drunken whoops.

I have 4 and have certainly not ‘actively sacrificed…strong parental time’. They each have far more time with me now than my oldest two did when they were younger. The difference is that I now don’t work.

I want loads but I didnt met OH until mid 30's and we are expecring Baby No.2 now i will be 37. If it is in my cards I will carry on.
Finances not an issue as we live quiet simple and minimalist. But OH has a great Job so I am a SAHM.
Ideally we would love 4.
We both want big fanilies and both on the same page.
But we will be happy with what we have. 2 - 6 😂

Mine get a hell of a lot more time with me now there’s four of them because I’m no longer working- that was what made the biggest difference

Agree @Moglet4 those of us with more children tend to adapt our lives to enable us to have the time we need, I have a career working only 2 days a week. As for siblings not making up for parental time I totally disagree, what myself and my children get from siblings is very precious in its own way and not something that can be replicated by a parent

I wanted mine to have family around them if they chose and we both have small families so had a third to make that big family ourselves. I love it but did find it hard, nowhere near as hard as 1-2 though!

I just had absolutely zero hormonal urge to have a third, even holding beautiful newborns when friends had babies didn't trigger any longing at all. Before my first two I was incredibly broody and incredibly set on having babies but that completely ended and seemed like my body and brain sending me a sign that two was the right number for me.

I was one of 2 children, we got on well (still do) and I always wished I had more siblings.

I have 4 children and agree with PP that it isn't a big adjustment past 2. In fact, for me, having 1 child was the big adjustment. And whilst yes of course it costs more to have more children, how much more it costs depends on your lifestyle - how much you travel, how much material stuff you consider essential, how you plan to educate etc - obviously you need to figure out what you can do with the resources you have.

I had a hormonal 'maybe I want another?' phase after having DC2, but I'm so glad we stuck at two. DC2 has some SEN and needs a lot of support and input and now that both are secondary age the expense and all the to-ing and fro-ing with friends, parties, sports, etc is a lot. We could've afforded a third, but the amount of time and money we'd had for each DC would've been reduced and tbh it's just exhausting and expensive. We like to travel and the additional costs and hassle of a family of five vs. a family of four would've been really annoying and inconvenient. Tables are set up for four, not five.

@Moglet4 I don't see how not working has such a profound effect when kids are school age anyway. If kids are in school until 3pm you've got a limited number of hours in the day to spend quality time with each child.

I think parents of bigger families are just in denial thinking they can give a similar level of attention to more children tbh. If you think a sibling is more valuable that's fine, but most life choices have pros and cons, and more siblings means less time with parents. For me that's not acceptable. But we're all different, etc etc.

Nothing. i've only just got around my environment guilt to have one.

Wow. You’re really quite clueless it would seem. When I was working, my kids had to be dropped off with a childminder at 7am then were rarely picked up before 6. That was both when they were babies and at school age. There was then a massive rush for hw, dinner, getting to Rainbows or whatever, bath and bed routine so there was literally no quality time during the week. My job also required a lot of extra work from home at the weekend. The only quality time we got was in the holidays. When I stopped working, I was able to enjoy my younger two fully from being babies and was able to drop the older ones st school, pick them up, have proper time with them in the evenings and whole weekends with them. My youngest currently goes part time to nursery so the older ones get focussed attention then too. In addition, two of the older ones will play while I have 1:1 with the third of the bigger ones. They get LOADS of one on one attention now yet I was not able to give it when the two oldest were younger because I was working. So you see, you’re wrong. You’re making assumptions about people when everyone’s circumstances are different.