Sibling Jealousy over baby - Help please

[Vsah22]

Since we shared the news of our pregnancy with our immediate family my sibling has started behaving quite weirdly. We are both competitive in nature but nothing too bad. My sibling has been married for 5 years and I’m older by a couple of years so I think whilst I was “behind” in life milestones they were not so competitive and felt no pressure. Since marrying my husband my sibling is competitive about virtually everything, they don’t live locally so demand my parents time and assume my parents are spending lots of time with us and do things for us. We do see my parents most weeks but they’ve not been doing anything for us, we’ve been doing up our house ourselves.

I wrongly expected my sibling to be excited about their first niece or nephew. They’ve always been great with children and babies so it seemed a given. Within 24 hours of telling them they said to me comments like “well if it doesn’t work out then don’t worry”, “it’s still early days, there’s a long way to go”, “who would want to go through that, I wouldn’t” all of which took me quite aback because of the negativity. My sibling always intimated they wanted children however all of a sudden it was a case of what a financial pressure they are (that’s not really an area of concern for them right now) along with other reasons not to have children. Their partner isn’t sure of their priorities and if and when they want children which is fine but I felt like in order to protect their position my sibling was putting a downer on the fact that we were having a baby.

Since then it’s got worse. Phone calls owing to distance lack any warmth or care. The most I get is how’s the pregnancy, not how’s my niece or nephew, just very cold and clinical before moving to other topics.

My parents felt like sibling’s behaviour was owing to them wanting children but not sure if they will owing to their partner. I understand that but then the behaviours I’ve seen are making me feel like my sibling doesn’t care and worse than that that this baby is an inconvenience for them. My sibling is already thinking about how they will impact future Christmases in terms of who is hosting, how often my parents can visit them etc as this is my parents first grandchild and they are obviously excited. I’m due around Christmas and my parents are staying at home this year so they can take me to the hospital and provide any support my husband and I need, we also didn’t see them last Christmas Day as we alternate each year so last year my parents spent Christmas with my sibling whilst we were with my husbands family so my sibling had been told this year regardless of the baby news that my parents would be seeing us Christmas Day. My sibling was of course invited but has decided not to come, they aren’t seeing anyone else. I found this quite odd as they didn’t say a reason why, it felt very much like they just didn’t want to be around. I did say to my sibling it was a shame as they could have met their niece or nephew but they didn’t think it mattered and when I said about how it would be nice for them to spend time together my sibling said they doubted that would happen owing to distance.

Since then we’ve heard weird comments via my parents like that my sibling felt we hadn’t involved them much in the baby. We only told our parents the gender of the baby as they’ve been helping us out and we see them so regularly but wanted to keep it private other than that. I’m not sure how we could have involved them more given they live hours away, have hardly been this way and I was quite ill with sickness all through the first trimester when we didn’t tell anyone so we didn’t go anywhere and then it continued into the beginning of the second so we’ve not really gone anywhere other than one holiday as a babymoon.

I’ve been careful to not go on too much about the baby but to also try to share little things like the nursery etc as I don’t want them feeling not involved.

We are having a small baby shower for immediate family only in the coming weeks so I deliberately picked a weekend when I knew my sibling wasn’t away as I wanted to see them before the baby comes and pre Christmas. They’ve now responded with a very short answer saying they won’t be coming. No reason why or note to say they’ll try to see us before the baby, just a no. For me this was quite a make or break issue as to me it shows they don’t care. My sibling knows I’m planning to christen our baby and already put themselves and their partner as obvious candidates and I’ve had my sibling down as a godparent without telling them yet but now I’m rethinking everything as how can I possibly have a godparent who sees our baby as competition for attention, doesn’t plan to see them much and has made zero effort in seeing us or even asking how we are.

I wasn’t expecting anyone to be as excited as we are, all I wanted and expected to see was some warmth, care and love and I’ve seen none of that in 6 months and it feels like it’s only going to get worse.

I’m at a loss what to do. If I react it fuels my sibling and they twist things to attack us and so they appear a victim. If I say nothing or just go along with it my sibling thinks this behaviour is acceptable. We had similar issues around our wedding even though they had a role. It’s all really childish, my parents get taken in by this victim act and always expect me to make things better or give way and we have no drama in our lives apart from with them, it’s exhausting and the last thing I need right now.

I want our child to have a good relationship with them, to be loved and to have lovely family occasions. I don’t want to feel like our baby is an inconvenience to others and I’m not sure how to move forward. I’ve never heard of this happening to anyone else, people I know who don’t have children love being an aunt or uncle so I know it’s not that.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

There is obviously more to it than attention seeking. Maybe your sibling has been secretly TT and struggling, or desperately wants a child and their partner doesn't. Instead of being hurt by this, try to find why they're acting so odd. Speak to them one to one, ask if they're okay and how they feel about your child.

I’ll certainly try that, thank you @TravellingT ! I’d rather do it face to face if possible as over the phone just isn’t working well. My sibling is quite closed off, they only share personal info on a need to know basis and even then it’s drip fed so if they think you won’t like something they’ll keep it quiet until the last moment when you have no choice. I can talk to them for an hour, have asked about them, their partner, their house renovations, holidays and work and I get very little out of them and yet I feel like I’ve shared a lot to keep the conversation going. It’s not just me they are like this with, it’s with my parents too. My sibling has had some relationships issues previously around priorities and dreams where they haven’t aligned but right now they appear in a good place and if anything it looks like they are just trying to protect themselves and their partner from the child conversation which I completely understand. No one in our family has ever asked them about children or put pressure on them although most of their friends now have children. My sibling’s partner actually asked if my parents thought we would have a baby soon and that was before we announced so they were clearly curious although you never know why and one of their first reactions was it meant they wouldn’t get to host Christmas which again was really strange.

My immediate thought when I read this (and she was saying "don't worry if it doesn't work out" ) is that she has been trying to conceive and has had miscarriages, or hasn't been able to get pregnant.

Like you say above please try talking to her.

Hi OP, many congratulations on your pregnancy! You said your sister acted similarly during your wedding, has she behaved like this all your life? It is sad that that the responsibility is placed on you to “fix” whatever the problem is and your parents encouragement of this is part of the problem. I think people think that just because you are siblings, you have to tolerate and maintain unhealthy relationships. I think you have invited her in plenty of times and I think you should put a stop to it now. She clearly is not interested (for whatever reason) so, I don’t think there is any point in pushing it. You will undoubtedly receive some pressure from your parents to involve her but, I would stand firm.

My sister was quite toxic and my parents would make lots of excuses for her. When a positive moment happened in my life or any of my other siblings, she will start acting weird- making it about her. Obviously, there were many other things so, I stopped contact with her. My life has been so peaceful ever since. Initially, my parents tried to pressure me into a relationship with her but I refused. My other siblings also cut contact.

I would say put yourself first. It is such a mind f* when someone gives you the silent treatment, cold shoulder etc for no apparent reason.

Wishing you all the best with your pregnancy 💐

Could they feel a bit excluded that you’ve shared the sex with your parents but not her? Maybe that’s why they’re talking about the baby in a detached way ‘the pregnancy’. I wonder if it is their TTC and been unsuccessful or she’s struggling with her emotions if their partner is unsure if they want kids.

Honestly. It's their problem not yours.

If they are trying for a baby and it hasn't happened or their other half doesn't want one that's not your fault, your responsibility or for you to make up for.

She, and she alone has to deal with her own feelings.

This isn't as uncommon as you think.

The reality is, if they have an unresolved issue, it probably won't make any difference what you do. It will never be enough. It might be viewed as insensitive or rubbing her nose in it. Or stealing your parents time. Or whatever. You may not be able to do right for doing wrong because the issue is your children aren't her children.

They can't be a replacement nor will they be as interesting as hers. They will be a reminder of the ones she hasn't got.

If she does have children don't be surprised if the whole issue resolves itself over night because this is about that - her children not yours. Or she'll expect you to go totally over the top with her kids (and will be disappointed when you don't because you are busy being a parent)

I think in this context, you might be wise to readjust your own expectations. You want her to be perhaps more involved and excited about your baby than is ever going to happen. It's not personal against you or your child. It's all about them.

Enjoy it. Let your parents enjoy it. Just eyeroll at her drama and attention seeking and just carry on. Mainly cos you can't do an awful lot else - you represent her problem in a way that means you can't support her or be the one she confides in either. Don't let her ruin things for you.

Thank you all for the comments. I’ve been wracking my brains to think of anything that I could have handled better. My sibling is actually male so apologies that wasn’t clear, but his wife is thinking she wants to travel and see the world so it all just feels very complicated, she has mentioned children so it’s not off the table but owing to mental health they’ve also mentioned adoption in the future. Everyone has different dreams, feelings and things going on so I try to just listen when my sibling does share as they aren’t really sharing things for advice and there’s always a danger if you offer an opinion it will be used against you so I avoid saying anything.

I did wonder if us not sharing the sex of the baby was an issue but they were still like that the 6 weeks before we found out and hadn’t shown any signs of wanting to know and any warmth at all so it felt uncomfortable to me sharing something so personal with someone who was being so cold.

It has felt pretty toxic to me as you said @Aveen1 . I love my sibling, we only have each other, there are no other siblings on my side and I find it really upsetting as I know how my mum’s relationships went with one of her siblings and I can feel this going the same way. When I was going through a really bad breakup my sibling got engaged. I was always happy on the outside for them, on the inside too even though you inevitably have the self reflection of being really behind in life especially in comparison with a younger sibling. My husband thinks I should ignore all of it. My sibling likes to make jokes that no one else finds funny and push boundaries and between our wedding and baby news a pattern is emerging. I wouldn’t mind but I hate being the centre of attention, and I feel the few occasions where it is he can’t handle it. He was like this as a child too, on my birthdays he had to have his own cake or would have a meltdown and try to spoil it. I really thought we had moved past that!

We have always been a close family so I’ve found this all really upsetting and I’m sure that coupled with hormones and anxiety about labour is just making it all feel much worse. my husband says I should just ignore it all and act normal as if it doesn’t matter which is probably true but it’s hard not to be hurt by the behaviours.

I don't think it makes a difference if they are male or female.

Its the response of a big baby.

If anything he has more options and no ticking clock if he REALLY wants a baby that much.

Being adults does not necessarily stop sibling jealously or rivalry or pettiness.

Just don't bite. Just let them be a dick. Its their problem not yours to resolve. Remember they are looking for the reaction, which is why they do it in the first place.

@RedToothBrush Thank you! I think you’re probably spot on. We are clearly at different points in our lives and have different priorities which is absolutely okay and I clearly had a view of how the family dynamic would be only for this to happen and it appear very different. I can only hope it changes as who knows if we will be lucky enough to have a second child and perhaps I’ve been putting some pressure on ourselves to create a perfect little bubble when some of that isn’t in our control.

When our little one is here I’m going to do my best to shut out all the outside noise as it’s not doing me any good and I really want to focus on our little baby and take in every second and enjoy it all.

Also thank you for saying this isn’t as uncommon as I thought. Whilst it’s sad that’s the case I’m slightly relieved as I’ve never heard anyone else have this issue and my husband’s sibling and their partner are so excited for us that I couldn’t help but compare the two reactions.

Think about why people don't talk about it though.

From your point of view, you are almost viewing it as a 'failure' on your part to be able to communicate with them and speak as if its your problem to 'fix'.

People post the perfect image on social media about their lives. They say things like 'amazing uncle' etc etc. They don't want to advertise strained relationships or how their sister is an utter nightmare if they feel some kind of responsibility or guilt over it. Its only when someone frees themselves from that they might be honest. But it again when and where they do this might be less in your face - for example to close friends but not in polite conversation.

And we get all these representations on tv about how close siblings are and how involved they are in each others lives. I guess the fact you've not spoken to your sibling for years or just don't have much to say to them because you've little in common doesn't make much entertainment or take up many lines unless its for a big plot twist or soap style drama.

The exception to this, is MN at Christmas. The number of people who post about how difficult family gatherings are is fascinating. Siblings often don't progress from childhood to adulthood if their relationship as children wasn't great / healthy.

I also don't think a lot of people realise that their sibling relationship is toxic because they have no other reference point. They just think their relationship is 'normal' because its all they've known. They don't reassess this until they marry / have children and become part of someone else's family / form their own. Equally, siblings might see their own life choices as not keeping up with their siblings / or be jealous of siblings when they all start to settle down.

I think its a real point in life of huge readjustment. You assume its just about you and your new baby, but there is a ripple effect. Its a point where other relationships change as priorities change - your sibling is certainly feeling that acutely and its making them question their life choices. Its not about you and yours.

You are firmly moving on from childhood, he's almost not ready to do that yet.