Accidental pregnancy, partner doesn't want it.

[Oopsnumber2]

We have a 6 month old baby. I found out this week I'm pregnant again. We had one night of unprotected sex 6 days before I ovulated (suspected ovulation anyway).

I'm about 4w4d.
Honestly my very first thought was a bunch of swear words and "I need to terminate". But, as the week went on, I absolutely don't want to terminate.

My partner is adamant about it. He's worried about finances, which I fully understand l, but I honestly believe we can make it work.

I know it's going to be super hard with a new born and a 1 year old. I do have PPD from my first, however he is CMPI and no one would listen when I said something was wrong until he was 8 weeks and then it was another 6 or so weeks of finding the right formula. He's such a happy chap now and having them so close together could be a good thing.

I don't know how to resolve this issue. He won't go to counselling because he's deadset on termination.

I feel this won't end well op. If you want the baby and he doesn't one of you will end up resenting the other.

Would you still want to keep the baby if you knew you it would mean being a single parent? I can see both your point of views, tricky situation op. Good luck ❤️

Lots of questions really:
How secure is your relationship?
What's your housing situation?
What kind of work do you do? For example I was in a minimum wage job and only got SMP before first pregnancy 1 so I had my mat leave and went back and so it didn't matter if I left after mat leave 2, but other more generous maternity benefits usually come with the provision that you will come back for a certain time.
I was 'lucky' enough to be so skint when I had DC2 that we got tax credits to help with childcare costs after I went back to work. If you don't then childcare costs for two will be brutal. Although the government is making some changes I believe.
My story is slightly different, I had mine 17 months apart. It was chaos, mentally draining, fun, awful and tiring all together. I think I had a kind of postpartum mania. I used to do things like book a weekend in London and take my Phil and teds buggy on the national express, with a 1 and 2 year old. I didn't drive but I got all around the country with those babies!
My DC's were super easy babies (less easy as children now!) and I had it relatively easy with sleep. I was 27 when I had my first and 29 when I had my second so I guess I was full of beans too!
Finances were not on my side. There were so many times I couldn't buy milk for my coffee. People just used to bring their own when they came over! I don't recognise that maternity leave full of coffee and lunch dates. I did a few really good free courses at our local childrens centre and story time and rhyme time at the library.
My two are best friends now. My relationship with their dad didn't last but often they don't. Do I think that how busy we were with two babies made a difference? Absolutely, but I've seen other relationships last despite these circumstances.
Would your other half come round?
Would you ever get over a termination?

This is a tough one, when did you tell him? Could he perhaps need time to think about it?

He can’t make your terminate if you don’t want to but if he really doesn’t want another child just now then It impacts your relationship.

I think you could spend time working out finances to reassure him but he’s most likely exhausted from your 6 month old and worried about what will happen the second time around with your PPD and the little ones CMPI.
All you can do is reassure him, point out you won’t need fo buy too much stuff as you will already have most of it . Say you also recognise the signs of ppd a lot better this time but will reach out for support when needed.
You can’t predict the future, you don’t know how you will feel after a second baby and you don’t know how the baby will be. it will be hard work, you will be exhausted and it will push your relationship but it’s something many people go through and make it through together.

This is so tricky. My husband and his next youngest brother are born a year and 2 days apart so slightly closer gap that yours would be. They have a great relationship as adults and I'm sure the close gap would have contributed to that somewhat. Although he also had a great relationship with youngest brother who is around 8 years younger than him.

I personally couldn't imagine such a small gap and mine are almost 4 years apart, so I completely understand your partne's perspective.

Having said all that, it's a hugely personal decision. No one in here can tell you what to do and it really has to be the right thing for you and your family. Do you think your partner would be supportive if you kept the baby? If he walked away you'd be raising 2 very young kids with minimal support from him presumably, that's something you might need to consider.

He's being open and honest about how he feels about it, whether it's fair or not is irrelevant really. Of course he was reckless if he was so set on not having another child to have unprotected sex, but it's happened now. Of course the only person who gets to decide what to do is you, if you don't want a termination then absolutely do not have one; but listen to what he's saying and prepare for the fact he might walk away and be unsupportive so you can make an informed decision. Its very intense with such a small age gap and its reasonable to worry about finances- nursery or childcare will be ludicrously expensive. That said of course you will make it work I'm sure if you really want to, even if it's alone.

We’re you planning on having more children in the future OP? If you were, but in a few years time, I would try and convince him by saying our plans have just been fast forwarded by a few years, which in the early days are going to be hard hard work, but as the years go by, the smaller age gap will not be an issue. But if you weren’t ever having any more babies then it’s a more difficult chat.

We're both 30. He wants another baby, but not yet.

Our relationship is very stable. We've been through a fair bit. And for the most part, our relationship is the same. He's not moody or short with or anything, just sort of ignores the fact that I'm having another baby 😅

I told him as soon as the test was positive, I don't want to hide anything from him. Honestly, I think we need counselling together around the whole situation but when I mentioned it he said "I'm good on termination but if you need counselling to come to terms with it then that's okay".
We've got 4 weeks, I'm not terminating if it has to be a surgical termination.

Yes we're very tired with our little guy. I keep thinking "what of we can't get pregnant again?" Because then i would definitely have resentment and regrets.

Thanks everyone for the replies. I know no one can make this decision for us, but this situation is so hard and I don't really have anyone to talk to about it.

It's obviously entirely your choice. And he obviously has to support his child whatever you decide. But you have to be prepared for him to be physically not present. Are you ready for that?

If you wanted another child at some point I would never terminate an accidental pregnancy.

It's not like walking into a store buy something. Pregnancy can happen before you are ready Or take much longer than you'd like Or not happen at all.

Honestly, I’d look at how this might impact on your 6 month old. Both financially and emotionally. The financial aspect of having another child is big - will you even qualify for OMP? Will you be able to afford more time off work? Will you be able to afford childcare to enable you to return to work? Everything is so much more expensive now - energy prices, mortgage rates, rents, food costs and so on.
This impact on your finances will have a direct impact on your baby.

And fortunately we live in a country where women don’t just have to put up with an unwanted pregnancy.

@Oopsnumber2, I've never had an abortion personally so not speaking from experience, but I've heard surgical terminations are better than medical ones as the recovery is quicker. Is there a reason you won't consider this?

I completely understand the need to talk through something like this, where you're ultimately making a life-changing decision. I think the thing that you need to remember is that you'll have lots of opinions either way; some people will tell you a small age gap is great, while others will say you should be mindful of continuing the pregnancy and you'll have opinions of everything in between. Personally I think this can sometimes cloud your own judgement, which is why I said it's completely up to you. I think you should really take some time to consider what you want vs what's best for your family without letting too many outside opinions get into your head. At the end of the day, it's easy for a stranger to say 'keep the baby, it'll all work out in the end' or 'terminate if it's not the right time' etc. but you'll be the one living with the consequences of those decisions.

I really do feel for you OP, and it seems like an impossible situation. Good luck! And I hope whatever you decide, your partner supports and stands by you.

I can’t get my head around a grown man having unprotected sex and then being miffed when it results in pregnancy.

You want the baby. You’re of childbearing age and already in the thick of it. Have the baby. Either he’ll get his head straight and support you, or show himself to be a complete bastard if not. In which case, better to find that out sooner rather than later.

"Pregnancy can happen before you are ready"
And fortunately we still live in a country where women have a choice about it.

sorry you’re in this situation Op.

Regarding finances, is it really realistic that you’ll ‘make it work’? What is the situation/plan for childcare for example? Having to pay 2 lots of childminder/nursery without funding would price me out of work for example. I wouldn’t have been able to cope with that age gap either because of how exhausted I already was with the first baby.

I totally agree with his response about counselling though. If someone had suggested to me I should have counselling because they didn’t agree with a decision i’ve made as an adult with logic reasonsings, I’d find that insulting.

I'm good on termination but if you need counselling to come to terms with it then that's okay".
well how kind of him to allow you time to come round to the decision that he’s made on your behalf. I’d be so annoyed. He had unprotected sex around ovulation with a very fertile woman, now he’s expecting you to deal with it, and ignoring it and making you feel bad and being unsupportive in the process. He is aware of how babies are made, it’s incredibly stupid to now act surprised. For me the relationship would likely be over regardless. But it’s up to you, if you want to go ahead you need to be prepared that he may not be around. If you choose to terminate and you feel at all pushed into it, you may resent him after. Counselling seems like it would be good regardless to give you a chance to be clear on what you want.

Sorry you're going through this. Of course you can make it work. Your husband might come round. Give him time x

Sorry, I should have mentioned we live in Australia, childcare is heavily subsidised and paid parental leave is at our minimum wage (which honestly I don't earn much above anyway).

Our mortgage keeps going up and everything is more expensive. I can really see where he's coming from and there is so much pointing to termination being the better option, mentally physically, financially. It just hurts.

He was an idiot to have unprotected sex with a fertile woman.

I wonder if you were hoping that would be the outcome, though?

He's perfectly entitled to not want another child.

You're perfectly entitled to want it.

I can't imagine what it would be like to not be wanted by your father.

You decide what you do with your body.

It may come down to deciding what you want most - a life with him happy with one child after you terminate your second and dealing with any consequences that might have for you, a life with him unhappy that there are two, a separate life co-parenting one and having him ignoring the second ...

All the various combinations need to be considered but most importantly what are you going to do now?

He'd love the child and we'd stay together. We had another talk tonight and he said he's worried that if we kept the baby and if we ran into financial trouble, he'd resent me.and possibly the baby - which is something he doesn't want to do.

I said if I terminated and then we couldn't have another baby when we wanted one, I'd resent him for that too. I see where he's coming from, he sees where I'm coming from.

I think we are really going to have to talk to a counsellor about it. Because whatever decision is made, has to be made together. We are not splitting up, this won't split us up. We both have valid points. It's my body, but it's also his life. We both need to come to a decision where we can live with the consequences.

He has said he wants to talk to a counsellor (not just about this), and I said I want to talk to a financial counsellor. We both have Wednesday off work so I think we should sit down and really talk about it. I want us to talk to the FC to see where we're at and if a second child is doable. And if it's not, I will agree to a termination.

What @CadillacCataract said makes a lot of sense. If you don’t want to abort please don’t.
It’s natural to worry when something unexpected happens. However try to both have courage and face the future with optimism.
If finances are really tight an organization like this may be able to help you both https://lifechoice.org.au/pregnant/
It is pro life. So against abortion. They do offer practical help and support if you don’t want an abortion.
Good luck.

he's worried that if we kept the baby and if we ran into financial trouble, he'd resent me. I see where he's coming from
did you impregnate yourself? Because otherwise I can’t see where he’s coming from in resenting you for being pregnant and having a baby. It’s much easier to vote for abortion if you are not actually the one who has to make the decision or the one to go through it.

at least you’re working through it together, but it feels like his attitude is very ‘oh no this happened to us, you need to fix it’ and not ‘these are the very predictable consequences of my actions’

My sister was 3 months old when my mum got pregnant with me.

She and my dad were terrified but they decided to continue with the pregnancy.

There is one year and 3 weeks between me and my sister and it’s amazing.

We were so close growing up, our entire childhoods are wrapped up in each other and we did everything together. All the life stages and milestones we shared at the same time (puberty, GCSE’s, first boyfriends, sex, driving lessons etc etc), we shared the same friends and we were never apart. She was my best friend, we had the same thoughts, liked the same things, liked the same activities, liked the same people and we were always finishing each others sentences and everyone said we lived inside our own little world. We were pretty much inseparable until I moved away for Uni at 21 but we are still incredibly close now (aged 40 and 41).

We can spend hours and hours and hours reminiscing over our childhood, youth and teenage years together and we will be crying with laughter half the time. Nobody will ever know her as well as I do and vice versa.

I’m so glad my parents continued with the pregnancy and although it was very tough for a few years, the small gap between me and my sister led to an absolutely amazing relationship between us. I cannot believe how lucky I am to have someone so close in age to have shared all my upbringing with.

I really, really wanted to have two children with a really small age gap based on my own experience of being so close in age with my sister, but sadly mother nature had her own ideas.

Think very carefully about what you want and do not be swayed into doing something you do not want and may come to regret.

I already had 3 kids when my youngest was 7 months…I had been in hospital with him for a major operation bless him. The night we got home my DH was rampant and forgot to jump off at Haymarket. His expression, not mine. I knew I would be pregnant straight away because for once I wasn’t broody! My 4th son was born 9 months later and yes it was hard, but I could not imagine a world without him in it. He is the only child who has had children, my beautiful granddaughters and another baby on he way. He has a good job, a fantastic personality and I am so proud of him. I call him the best accident I ever had 😊 We didn’t even discuss termination, it wasn’t something I could do because I knew it would cause me negative mental health. If you want the baby stick to your guns. It’s your body, your life and you have the right to choose. If my DH had tried to make me have an abortion I would have got rid of him rather than the baby.

Sorry, @MrsSlocombesCat but I'm laughing so much at 'forgot to jump off at Haymarket'!