Smbc - getting negative feedback from close friends

[Traveller23]

Hi all I’ve been reading for a while and found the forums very helpful as I navigated through my fertility journey etc and finally decided to join and post my first thread. Apologies in advance if I’m doing it wrong etc please bear me me and let me know so I can act accordingly.

I’m currently 12 weeks pregnant after 1 round of ivf with donor sperm. My journey started when I 35yrs and decided to freeze my eggs as I knew I wanted to have kids one day but was very aware of my age and the fact that I had not found the right person yet. However I quickly discovered whilst trying to freeze my eggs that I have DOR with Amh of 0.2 and high FSH/LH. I was given a less than 6% chance with ivf and told I wouldn’t get many egg to freeze and advised to either freeze embryos (not best option as told) or go ahead and try Ivf as I was already 36 so waiting longer would reduce my chances even further.

I took time out to really think about this got all the information I needed, changed my lifestyle, worked on my mental health etc. when ready I started to discussed it with some trusted friends and family and found most were supportive or at least empathetic of my situation. I finally got round to telling a very close friend who initially seem ok with it all but as the process progressed and I was getting closer to starting ivf she explained her views and mentioned she did not agree with my decision and therefore could not be involved however she mentioned that if I did go ahead and had a baby she would be supportive and love the child. i understand people have have their own opinions and not everyone will agree or be supportive of my decisions. But I guess it hurts a lot coming from such a close friend.

Anyway since then I did not bring up the topic again and went along to have ivf which miraculously resulted in a BFP. I have not told her and the one time she tried to bring it up and ask about my journey (not knowing if I had gone ahead or not) I dismissed it and said I would rather not talk about it as I know where she stands on the matter. Our families are close so she is not the sort of person I can easily remove from my life due to this and other factors. But I am really struggling with how/what our friendship will look like for example I don’t know if I feel comfortable to tell her about my pregnancy, if I had a baby shower should I/will I invite her? How does all that look like now? Although she mentions she feel the two things are separate( that she can disagree with the process, but still support and love the child, I don’t know how comfortable I feel about having someone who had those views being around my child. I know she love me and has no malicious thoughts towards me but was just being honest and voicing her concerns.

has anyone been in this situation before? If so how did you manage it ?

sorry for the complete essay!

The process is done and you now have a beautiful baby on the way (congratulations!!!).

Let her know you're pregnant. No need to talk about how you got pregnant if that's something you want to stay away from. As far as everyone is concerned, that's your private medical business and doesn't matter.

I think you might be overthinking this slightly if I'm honest. Don't let her potential reaction tarnish your excitement. If it makes you feel better you can tell her via text and then she will have a chance to sit with it for a while without you having to see her reaction in real time.

Advocate for yourself though. Don't let her make you feel like you've done something wrong.

Sorry for long reply - Im 7 weeks and 4 days today via IVF as a SMBC. I went through 3 rounds of IUI, a fresh IVF and then a frozen which is the one that worked. During the IUI I told all my friends and they were great and supportive but honestly it's hard work emotionally telling all so didn't tell many for IVF. Yet had any of them reacted like your friend had I don't feel I would be okay with it.

I would want to know why she disagrees, which I'm guessing she's told you but it can't be a good enough reason if you still feel this way. Medical assistant and a sperm donor isn't a taboo thing anymore, it's very much needed even by couple who struggle to conceive naturally. It's not like you went out every weekend having sex with strangers or having an affair with a married person to fall on, that would be irresponsible. You could have been in a relationship, got pregnant and the person left and you would be a solo mum- things play out in different ways, you've just chosen to control your destiny, yet I genuinely don't think people outside of the Fertility treatment process understand that really goes into it.

It's great that you got a BFP first time and hopefully it wasn't too stressful of a ride but would this so called friend be there for you if you had had a fail? or 3 fails? would they be able to be supportive or would they leave you to the hard times, as trust me the hard times of Fertility treatment were the darkest of my life. It can also be incredibly lonely and that's when your friends and it's clear you couldn't turn to her. Those are the times that matter when you are a SMBC.

Also I feel proud of doing this journey on my own and I don't intend to hide it, my future child will know details of it, given at an age appropriate time and format but just spoken about like it's such a normal part of their life and my concern would be that that friend would somehow make that feel taboo to my child. I dont at this point feel that the process and the child are separate as to me the child would not be here had the process not happened and actually there's a bloody lot of thanks needed to be given to this process.

My Dad who is 69 yo found it's alot of information at times and odd to start with and worried for me but he supports me regardless because those are his views for him to sort out and he knows and understands my stance on telling a child.

Her friendship to your should have took a stand over the process and it didn't, why should she get to roll with the good times when the baby is here or the pregnancy joy things you want to do.

Congratulations, OP!

I am not an SMBC but I have a close relative who is. She was very open about it and I know a couple of people had their doubts about it.

However, when baby was on its way everybody rallied round. And yes, he is loved and fussed over by everyone even the doubters, and still is 9 years later.

I personally would appreciate my friend telling me her opinion straight. Disagreeing on some things is fine and honesty is very important to me. Plus, remember that people can and do change their minds. Especially when confronted with the reality of a happy mother and a happy child.

FWIW, I do believe your fiend when she says she may disagree with the concept but she'll be there for you, and your baby, when the time comes.

Congrats OP, how wonderful for you.

I'm a bit mixed as as first I though it depends a bit on what her reasons are for not supporting your decision.

However, whatever her belief system is she has prioritised that over you which she has every right to do. But I would struggle to sustain a close friendship because of that, and being there for baby when they arrive is a bit hypocritical to pick and choose. Will she ditch the child too if they do something she disagrees with?

Is it feasible she could change her beliefs? Not sure.

Your health and happiness and that of your child is your priority now and she has made it clear she can't support you, so I would disconnect other than what you must do for family relations.

Thank you for your reply. I think you’re right about advocating for myself. I think her reaction really hurt and put into question a lot about our friendship. Her reasoning seemed like they were not coming from a place of understanding or empathy. I think that was the hardest part.

@ttcsolomumtobe congratulations! such great news after a long journey I’m really pleased for you.

I am in am infertility support group and went to various webnairs etc and as a result really got to understand the struggles, emotional, physical and mental toll it can all have and you’re right it really can be hard for those who are not going through the process to understand and remain sensitive to others situation.

i was hoping she would be one to support me through the whole ivf process as I had only told a handful of people and was aware of how hard the whole process could be. In the end I did it without her and it’s caused a bit of a rift in our friendship as I just feel like I can’t count on her or even open up to her again which is sad as I still have a lot of care and love for her ( been friends since age of 11).

I totally agree with you regarding being open and that’s what I wanted to do starting with my closest. what you said here resonates with me and just says everything I’m thinking:

“I don't intend to hide it, my future child will know details of it, given at an age appropriate time and format but just spoken about like it's such a normal part of their life and my concern would be that that friend would somehow make that feel taboo to my child”

I know I will come across some negative views so want to ensure those closed to me and my child are 100 % supportive, ok and confident in my decision so that is what my child grows up with /around. I think this is why it had brought up so much for me, you might be supportive when they are here but I don’t want there to be ever a time when my child feels any bad energy and is ever made to feel unsure by anyone close to them.

@stickygotstuck thanks for your reply. I really appreciate it. Your response is literally the conflicting thoughts I have. I’m still friends with her and want to try and figure this out because ultimately I do care for her and really appreciate her honesty and willingness to have the communication. I thanked her for being honest with me and actually the conversation was needed because it was the first negative response I had received so it allowed me to really think about how I will navigate such response in the future.

i think my main issue is her reasoning and the the whole conversation felt like she wasn’t coming from a place of empathy or understanding of my situation. She mentioned things like “I know women empowerment and all but I do think a child needs a dad” which to me suggested I was embarking on the journey because of some kind of hate for men. She also mentioned some ill-founded religious reasons etc.

overall I think I would expect those views from someone who did not know me or my fertility situation but coming from her I feel like she complete disregarded that and was saying “ youre choosing to do this” when the alternative is not having a child for which she knows I really desire

@YoBeaches thank you and thanks for replying. This is literally my initial thought process. I think I’m reality I’m just struggling to just cut it all off knowing how much we have gone through and how close we were but ultimately you’re right my health, happiness and that of my child is my priority now. I know she has no ill intent but I just can’t get my head around how one can just change every thought once the baby is here

thanks everyone for your replies. Has given me a lot to think about. Also good to see that I wasn’t completely overreacting or overthinking

I think she’s entitled to her own opinion and beliefs and you can’t control that. I don’t really thing it’s fair to conflate that with how she will treat your child either. For example I don’t necessarily agree with surrogacy, so if my friends did it I wouldn’t want to chat with them much about it because I wouldn’t want to have to lie, or pretend I agree, nor would I want to be negative about their journey. Once the child was born, i would love them as much as any child of my friends, because why wouldn’t I? The love for the child has nothing to do with how they were conceived.
if that doesn’t work for you though that’s fine, you don’t have to be close to her anymore, you can just withdraw quietly from the friendship.

I had mixed reactions mid infertility journey and I have forgiven both the people involved. We are really close again. They didn’t have the knowledge or personal experience at the time they stated their opinions and the comments came from a place of ignorance.

Congratulations! I hope your pregnancy is going well.

I don’t think I could remain friends with someone who didn’t “approve” of how I’d had my child. He was born nearly 2 1/2 years ago (IVF with donor sperm, and I’m now in 2WW to see if he’s getting a sibling) and because I had treatment during lockdowns I didn’t tell many people until I was quite far along in my pregnancy. Luckily nobody said anything that made me want to cut them off, but I would’ve done if they were arsey!

Children don't need fathers, they need stable homes with loving, attentive, emotionally present parents. It’s very 1950s to insist that a child needs to have a father.

Join DCN if you haven’t already and make friends with others who have also chosen this route to parenthood. There are loads of us and it’s easy to ensure your child knows others in the same position if you join groups.

Just to add I agree with children don't need Fathers, just like child dont always need mother's, it's just the more common thing of females going it alone. Child's need role models of all genders, ages and backgrounds and more importantly people who care about their wellbeing.

I think your friend saying about she thinks a child needs a daddy but will then support you when a child is here is also a bit backwards as she's enabling you to do what she doesn't agree with.
Had you been with a partner and they left you when pregnant would she be showering you with pity and support but as you've made this decision from a good place and well researched she can't support it. I think before cutting the friendship it would be important to understand how she would communicate with you future child about how they came to be, whether she would treat them or you any differently when if you were to call on her for help, last thing you will need is sly comments about "if there had been a dad they could have done this..."

As SMBC we already grapple enough with those thoughts and feelings and what could we be depriving our child of by not having a daddy so by the time we have made the decision we just want support from others. Seriously, there's no family norms anymore yet I do think it's good to find people in a similar situation who have that understanding and experience aswell as your child seeing that there are others with just a mummy or just a daddy.

Here if you ever need to chat, hope all goes well

@soscarlet thank you. So encouraging to hear your story. 2ww was not a fun time! Hope you’re doing ok. Sending you lots of love and positivity. Hoping for that BFP! Thanks for letting me know about DCN I will definitely join.

@Wonderously this is a fair point to make. Im glad you managed to sort this out. I was hoping this was the case with my friend regarding knowledge and personal experience but so far she is only seeing it from her point of view. But like @Marshmallowtoastie says she is entitled to her own beliefs and opinions.

You know what, whilst a father figure is important in a child’s life, there are so many other things that are important.

It’s probably miles better to have one competent parent who has their stuff figured out and is prepared than two who aren’t.

Honestly, good for you, and massive congratulations. I hope your pregnancy goes really well.

@ttcsolomumtobe thank you so much for your advise. I think those are really good and practical things to ask that will help me ascertain how she may or may not fit in me and my child’s life moving forward I’m going to ask.

im going to join the DCN as I really need to find more people in my situation and also see if I can find people in my area as I think it will be so important to have people in similar situations Around me both for the understanding and experience as you say and also so my child can have some similarity around them.